Anger
I have been rapid cycling between anger, the extreme ragelike variety, and Deep despair. I can't seem to cool off, the more I try the worse I get. I can't seem to relax. I'm currently incomunicato... I need to be. I don't want to offend anyone by this, but I can't cool off. Up and Down, no in between lately... I'm calm and cool on the exterior, but the anger rises quickly, Life is just plain unfair. It dosent make sense. I want to die, but not by my own hand... Everyday is an insurmountable mountain of pain and agony. Everyday my failures as a human being, man, and slave to society ache. Everyone goes through this, but things just keep mounting up... someone told me that it was karma biting me in the ass... but in all reality, I've done some bad things, but foresight led me to do them... and the good I have and am outweighs the bad ten fold... twenty fold... That leads me to believe that Karma is BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT!!!!! There is no "Just World", nothing is linked... There is no "Larger Plan" for us, I still believe everything happens for a reason... a reason that you decide in your mind to help you cope. That's about it. Life is full of shit, and the good in it is worthless. I may be jaded right now, but I really want to run away forever and not worry about anything. I need to devise a way to erase myself. I need to devise a way to disappear and go lead another life somewhere else. Maybe I'll become a hitman, a cold unfeeling hitman. No guilt, no anger, no despair, just ruthlessness.