tuesday pathetique
today was pathetic, but overall important. i'm so distraught and bombarded by thoughts, i need a week of vacation, time spent with family and more importantly friends. i can't focus on anything, school is going to suffer. it's as if someone hit the 'off' button on caring and i'm roaming the halls of the library and music center with no idea of where to go. everything around me insists a memory. i drove by the blockbuster on mission which is being torn down and suddenly every blockbuster we had ever been to came into play. every time we went to rent a movie that they absolutely never had.. as if having bad luck was something special. i slammed my fingers on the keyboard, grabbed my books and walked out. spent some time over at geoff's tonight with dana and watched the daily show and colbert. my god, TV is amazing. i haven't sat down and watched veg-out television in a month and it helps a little.
i'm looking forward to the weekend, sort of.. i'm looking forward to an attempt at catching up on life and sleeping in, but i know that i'll be somewhere apart from jo, though she'll be so close. i learned a lot today, but wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. "i wasn't inlove with you but rather the idea of you" i think that could've been saved for a few months down the road. but ultimately i think that makes sense and confirms what i thought all along, that it wasn't me she was after, it was what she wanted me to be. i was just naive enough to believe i was what she lusted after. the part of today i found most intriguing/puzzling, is when i learned about how many people say so much about me. i really had no idea that i affected so many opinions. good or bad it's actually slightly flattering in hindsight, but flattery is short lived. i felt like the decision we made, and i say 'we' because at this point she seems to recognize she's better off, was pretty self-less. apparently there's talk of my behavior being a 'cop-out,' like i'm making excuses. people talk, and sometimes it's just talk. i don't know where they get these ideas or the impression that they have the right to speak on someone else's behalf. there's a beautiful schubert lied, the first song of his Winterreise called Gute Nacht (Goodnight). In the song, the narrator leaves his lover in the middle of the night b/c he knows she has fallen for another man. he trudges through the moonlit snow leaving a message on the door saying "goodnight." although he loves her deeply, he doesn't want to stand in the way of her happiness with her new love. forget dashboard, franz did it first. unfortunately there is much music i will be abandoning for a while as well. it doesn't help that my lab assignment for tomorrow is the chopin prelude in e min.
god, i was such a baby today, a florescent practice room and a drivers seat are my only escape from the rest of the world. no one can see me there. i'd really like to go to la for halloween. alex can get me backstage at the thrice show and jarred knows of some crazy party afterwards. maybe that's what i need, but i can't afford it.
i ran into geoff at the bookstore today, it's a bit relieving to hear someone else is having troubles of the female agenda, but we didn't speak long, i had to go to musicianship lab which i owned, and sight-read everything. as long as the other students are having trouble singing intervals downwards i'll be ok - just sing up and invert!!!
i talked to kelsie for a little over an hour today, it helps talking to someone new, but all remediable qualities barely outlast a cough drop. she'll be up north this weekend and it'd be nice to see her, but i don't know if it'll happen.
it's so cold here. every inch of this town is stained.
In the wonderful month of May,
When all the buds were bursting open,
My love burst forth from my heart.
In the wonderful month of May,
When all the birds were singing,
I confessed to her my yearning and my longing.
i'm looking forward to the weekend, sort of.. i'm looking forward to an attempt at catching up on life and sleeping in, but i know that i'll be somewhere apart from jo, though she'll be so close. i learned a lot today, but wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. "i wasn't inlove with you but rather the idea of you" i think that could've been saved for a few months down the road. but ultimately i think that makes sense and confirms what i thought all along, that it wasn't me she was after, it was what she wanted me to be. i was just naive enough to believe i was what she lusted after. the part of today i found most intriguing/puzzling, is when i learned about how many people say so much about me. i really had no idea that i affected so many opinions. good or bad it's actually slightly flattering in hindsight, but flattery is short lived. i felt like the decision we made, and i say 'we' because at this point she seems to recognize she's better off, was pretty self-less. apparently there's talk of my behavior being a 'cop-out,' like i'm making excuses. people talk, and sometimes it's just talk. i don't know where they get these ideas or the impression that they have the right to speak on someone else's behalf. there's a beautiful schubert lied, the first song of his Winterreise called Gute Nacht (Goodnight). In the song, the narrator leaves his lover in the middle of the night b/c he knows she has fallen for another man. he trudges through the moonlit snow leaving a message on the door saying "goodnight." although he loves her deeply, he doesn't want to stand in the way of her happiness with her new love. forget dashboard, franz did it first. unfortunately there is much music i will be abandoning for a while as well. it doesn't help that my lab assignment for tomorrow is the chopin prelude in e min.
god, i was such a baby today, a florescent practice room and a drivers seat are my only escape from the rest of the world. no one can see me there. i'd really like to go to la for halloween. alex can get me backstage at the thrice show and jarred knows of some crazy party afterwards. maybe that's what i need, but i can't afford it.
i ran into geoff at the bookstore today, it's a bit relieving to hear someone else is having troubles of the female agenda, but we didn't speak long, i had to go to musicianship lab which i owned, and sight-read everything. as long as the other students are having trouble singing intervals downwards i'll be ok - just sing up and invert!!!
i talked to kelsie for a little over an hour today, it helps talking to someone new, but all remediable qualities barely outlast a cough drop. she'll be up north this weekend and it'd be nice to see her, but i don't know if it'll happen.
it's so cold here. every inch of this town is stained.
In the wonderful month of May,
When all the buds were bursting open,
My love burst forth from my heart.
In the wonderful month of May,
When all the birds were singing,
I confessed to her my yearning and my longing.