(no subject)
Sometimes I think I might be better off as a gay man. Some of the people I relate to most strongly are gay men, and I have to wonder what this says about me since I can relate to them on a level that is usually impossible for me to relate to most everyone else. It's not that I want to be a man, I love my femininity and everything that comes with it. But I can't help but feel that I will never attain the same worth to a man as another man can, as a woman. I'm seen as superfluous, a plaything, a simple mystery. Not that this doesn't have its own eroticism, but I want to be more. I don't want to be a man, I love being a woman. I just want a man's deepest respect.
The way I relate to them... I guess it has to do with an inner conflict between feminine and masculine roles, predefined traits that belong to each gender and the subsequent rejection of them that comes with homosexuality or even bisexuality. Even though I am 100% woman physically, I can't ignore certain personality traits of mine that are very masculine. An attitude I have towards love, sex, people, power... My fear of commitment is very masculine. My lust is masculine. My ambition is masculine. But with that I have a romantic, emotional, beautifully irrational feminine filter on all of it. I imagine it is the same for some gay men who make this music I relate to so strongly. In general, I am not continually attracted to gay men. And the few times I have been, they have not been overtly homosexual at all, and acted essentially masculine. But what the few of them DO have in common is a sense of... existential intelligence, an absolute spiritual and political independence- all borne out of their own inner conflict. A silent strength, an irrational passion even though they realize the meaninglessness of life. They allow themselves to feel everything. Probably because in this society little else is chastised more than male homosexuality. And if a man chooses NOT to suppress these impulses and not fear them, then they have no reason to suppress anything else really.
Male homosexuality is infinitely more interesting than female homosexuality also. Just think for a moment about your stereotypical gay man (rich, handsome, educated, sexually adventurous, curious about the world) and now think about your average butch lesbian. Hm. Not exactly a fair trade off. There's also a much stronger sense of culture among gay men that I find very fascinating but can never fully belong to since I am a woman. Overall, I feel like life is a lot more adventurous for men. Like they have more freedom, more respect, more independence. I guess one of the things I also find frustrating about being a woman is that I'm constantly seen as playing a supporting role, holding up the pillar that is "my man" or whatever, thus fulfilling my feminine objective in life. Something I find totally unfulfilling and unattractive.... I don't want to be a means to an end. To aid some poor schmuck who is his own end, helping him get somewhere. Fuck that. I have no interest in being someone's fan, someone's soccer mom. And I don't want that from anyone else, ever. I don't respect that.
With love, I want to be two people on a path that sometimes intersect. With zero fear in regard to diverging from that intersection. I want everything to flow absolutely freely and naturally but instead we are all left explaining ourselves and everything we do, how we feel... something which is very unnatural. (We question our understanding of each other, in trying to relate to them. To assure ourselves that we can relate to each other as human beings, we are already human beings...) i don't know what we're checking for in understanding. can you love? can you love me? is there one shred of humanity hiding under that clinical mask you show to the world? show me your nakedness, your weakness, how human you are. i want to undress you. i want to peel away absolutely everything- inhibitions and clothing and make love forever. give me something eternal, an eternal beauty. show me who you are, but don't get too close because it is totally meaningless. ... walk with me into darkness, don't fear the unknown. don't give too much thought about when the tunnel ends, or to hitting the bottom of the abyss. who will be fearless with me?
The way I relate to them... I guess it has to do with an inner conflict between feminine and masculine roles, predefined traits that belong to each gender and the subsequent rejection of them that comes with homosexuality or even bisexuality. Even though I am 100% woman physically, I can't ignore certain personality traits of mine that are very masculine. An attitude I have towards love, sex, people, power... My fear of commitment is very masculine. My lust is masculine. My ambition is masculine. But with that I have a romantic, emotional, beautifully irrational feminine filter on all of it. I imagine it is the same for some gay men who make this music I relate to so strongly. In general, I am not continually attracted to gay men. And the few times I have been, they have not been overtly homosexual at all, and acted essentially masculine. But what the few of them DO have in common is a sense of... existential intelligence, an absolute spiritual and political independence- all borne out of their own inner conflict. A silent strength, an irrational passion even though they realize the meaninglessness of life. They allow themselves to feel everything. Probably because in this society little else is chastised more than male homosexuality. And if a man chooses NOT to suppress these impulses and not fear them, then they have no reason to suppress anything else really.
Male homosexuality is infinitely more interesting than female homosexuality also. Just think for a moment about your stereotypical gay man (rich, handsome, educated, sexually adventurous, curious about the world) and now think about your average butch lesbian. Hm. Not exactly a fair trade off. There's also a much stronger sense of culture among gay men that I find very fascinating but can never fully belong to since I am a woman. Overall, I feel like life is a lot more adventurous for men. Like they have more freedom, more respect, more independence. I guess one of the things I also find frustrating about being a woman is that I'm constantly seen as playing a supporting role, holding up the pillar that is "my man" or whatever, thus fulfilling my feminine objective in life. Something I find totally unfulfilling and unattractive.... I don't want to be a means to an end. To aid some poor schmuck who is his own end, helping him get somewhere. Fuck that. I have no interest in being someone's fan, someone's soccer mom. And I don't want that from anyone else, ever. I don't respect that.
With love, I want to be two people on a path that sometimes intersect. With zero fear in regard to diverging from that intersection. I want everything to flow absolutely freely and naturally but instead we are all left explaining ourselves and everything we do, how we feel... something which is very unnatural. (We question our understanding of each other, in trying to relate to them. To assure ourselves that we can relate to each other as human beings, we are already human beings...) i don't know what we're checking for in understanding. can you love? can you love me? is there one shred of humanity hiding under that clinical mask you show to the world? show me your nakedness, your weakness, how human you are. i want to undress you. i want to peel away absolutely everything- inhibitions and clothing and make love forever. give me something eternal, an eternal beauty. show me who you are, but don't get too close because it is totally meaningless. ... walk with me into darkness, don't fear the unknown. don't give too much thought about when the tunnel ends, or to hitting the bottom of the abyss. who will be fearless with me?