(no subject)

[til_leie]

If there's one thing I can say completely uninhibitedly about myself is that while I have rather severe trust issues, once I trust someone, I am a fiercely loyal friend. I have a bad habit of trusting too easily and therefore being hurt repeatedly and it's come to the point where it's hard for me to trust anyone anymore. I've had too many friends backstab me, leave me, hurt me to allow me to take my friendships lightly. I've never had that enormous familial connection so throughout my life, I've depended on my friends to be my family and my confidantes. I've lost and cried too much in my life to take being told that a good friend is moving to California as a joke. When I'm told that a friend is leaving by multiple people who I consider good friends, I take it seriously. I've finally suppressed my trust issues enough to allow them into my life and this all turns out to be a joke. The good news: no, Chris isn't leaving. My question is this: Why put unnecessary doubt into my mind about our friendships? Why make me question my decision to finally fucking let down my wall, if only a little bit, for something so ridiculously dumb as this? Why make me apprehensive to trust all of you?

I honestly just do not see the point. Practical jokes are one thing. Being lied to for days on end, being told that you'll probably never see a good friend again is another.

I don't want to seem like a melodramatic bitch about this, but here's the raw truth: My trust, once lost, truly is lost forever. I can't help it- I hold grudges. I can forgive but I can't forget and my friendships that have gotten to this point have never recovered.

I just need them to be aware of that.