(no subject)
13 July 2007
Went to a bar tonight with a girl friend from the program. It was a lot of fun being out with her to relax and kick back after a long week. As the evening wore on, it started raining cats and dogs, and after roughly an hour of hard rain, the bar actually started to flood through the kitchen window. The bartender announced, "If you don't want to be swimming soon, i suggest you get out of here. If you'd like to have a swim though, by all means!" lol. Flooding seems to be a major problem here, and in general, St. Petersburg seems to be a city that was built (and exists) in utter defiance of nature. Peter the Great was hell bent on having a port, so he chose some swampland that's almost in the arctic circle... genius, really! As a result, countless people died trying to fulfill that dream. As they say, "St. Petersburg was built on bones." And to some extent, you can't escape that knowledge once you learn about the city's history. It's incredibly beautiful here, but there's something behind that beauty that doesn't quite lend itself to words. For example, in any other city, pale yellow buildings would be a cheerful, sunny sight, but here, yellow has been persistently associated with insanity. There's something institutional about them, not anything that I could ever describe as "charming."
Switching gears from weather and architecture to people.... If things are really getting better, if the economy is getting stronger, and people's lifestyles are improving, why are an increasing number of Russians looking for a scapegoat, and why is xenophobia on the rise? Really, i'm at a loss. It might be related to the search Russians and Russia are going to through to find out, "Who are we?" It's a question that Russians are far more preoccupied with than Americans. After all, we all know we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and beyond that, we don't need much else. But after the Soviet Union, a drunk embarrassment of a president, and economic disaster, it seems like Russians are now trying to decide what it means to be Russian and how they want to relate to those who aren't part of the dominant nationality.
I haven't seen a single skinhead here and don't expect to run into one, but i don't have to look very far to find kissing-cousin sentiments. Last night in a bar, some guy came up to my friend and me offering to buy us a drink. Of course we refused, but he kept talking to us and decided that the sexiest topic of conversation would be discussing how much he hates all the illegal Tajiks in St. P. "Look there in the kitchen... you see those people? They aren't Russian, and they're here without registration." I wanted to ask him if he would actually want to do the kind of work they are doing. Then he wanted to get us going on the Mexicans in the US. Of course illegal immigrants are a strain on the government and economy of any country, but on the human level, I think most Americans understand that we're all people, and we all want to do what's best for our families. So there's no reason to hate illegal immigrants on the basis of race/nationality. Naturally, that was a foreign concept to our conversation partner. Getting more gutsy, i kindly pointed out to this young man that he didn't look the least bit Russian, so how could he have such a hatred for these non-Russians. Contrary to expectations, he didn't beat me up, but he did insist that he was 100% Russian and that he was "educated and well-off", as if I needed to know. It was obviously important to him though because he repeatedly pointed out with great disgust that these illegals live 20 people to a single room apartment. Obviously he's forgotten about the terrible conditions that that "pure" ethnic Russians lived in at several points during Russian history... and outside of the big cities, they continue to live in abject poverty.
Actually, forgetting history seems to be a huge part of the problem. Russia has always encompassed a huge variety of ethnic groups; furthermore, Russia was ruled by the Mongols for quite a significant chunk of time and I seriously doubt you could find a "purebred" Russian anywhere. Face it, we're all mongrels. But none of that matters. What matters is that one person doesn't look like another or doesn't talk like another and can be conveniently blamed.
There's one part of the Russian psyche that is very fatalistic, but there's another part of it that always wants to know who is to blame. If you don't believe me, comb through Russian history for the phrase "Kto vinovat?"; your head will swim. It's not that individual leaders can't be blamed for terrible things that have happened, but Russians don't seem able to accept the idea that "Sh*t happens." Unfortunately, that one phrase explains a lot of the world's problems... either because so many people are to blame, or because there's no way that a culprit can be pinned down. But not being able to accept that bad things sometimes happen for no reason, people start looking for someone to blame that is weakly related to the actual problem, be it the Jews, the West, or Tajiks.
In the late-1990s there was a phone survey of Peterburgites asking if they would personally participate in a pogrom against ethnic minorities, and a majority said they would. Imagine that! Minorities only make up ~10% of the population, but it's still a bit chilling. Judging from more recent statistics I've read but can't quote offhand, it's pretty safe to say that not much has changed.
Ok, now you probably think i hate Russia! Not true at all. It's just that Russia and Russian people baffle me completely sometimes. Everything connected to Russia is like a great work of literature with lots of layers to peel away, appreciate, and try to understand. If nothing else, Russia makes me think, and that's exactly why I love her so much.
15 July 2007
Today's the fifteenth:-((( This should be a day to celebrate, but on the whole, it's been a rough day for me. Something tells me i'm depressed and just don't want to admit it to myself. There was basically no food in the house (with the exception of meat dumplings that had been sitting out all night) so i pretty much starved all morning. This afternoon, i finally got hungry and grouchy enough to go to the store. Spent 700 roubles, and then the checker yelled at me for not giving her the right amount of kopeks. She wanted to know if i had 20 kopeks... i had one 10 kopek coin and one 50 kopek coin, so i said no. Then she fussed at me and grabbed the 50 kopek coin from my hand. They are basically worthless, but it still irritated me and made me feel really stupid. So i cried my way home and then yelled at a box of teabags about how i'll never learn Russian. There's no reason to be ashamed of having trouble in a foreign language, but some days i just don't feel like opening my mouth anymore and embarrassing myself further. I didn't come to Russia with any illusions about my ability to communicate in Russian, but it's still rough being constantly aware of being a foreigner, having people asking you to repeat stuff cause they couldn't understand through your American accent, or being yelled at by a store clerk because you didn't understand how worthless kopeks are. So, in short, today was the kind of day that makes me want to найти бутылку водочки and fly home. Add to that worrying about the 25th... and you can picture my state of mind right now.
16 July 2007
Got food poisoning to some degree from eating pelmeni (meat dumplings) last night that had been sitting out for too long. Something about refrigeration seems to be lost on my family; either that or they have stomachs make of iron. So let's just say that politeness and desperation are going to be the death of my digestive system.
Spent the first good chunk of last night failing to fall asleep and crying instead. This must be the mid-trip bundle of emotions and stress... so in the interest of physical and emotional health, I came home early from classes today and slept for three hours straight. Let's just hope that tomorrow will be different, better, happier.
Things'll get better, i'm sure of it. For now, sorry to end on such a depressing note. There's a degree of honesty I never seem to reach in spoken communication that comes flooding out in my writing. So apologies to those of you who talked with me over the weekend and thought i sounded upbeat, lol. You can blame ballet for my inability to be honest.
17 June 2007
Continuing my rant from a few days ago.... The front page of the newspaper today had a story about a Tartar young man being attacked and killed by a gang of 17 people here in St. P. In typical form, prosecutors are refusing to classify the murder as ethnically motivated. As usual, everyone knows there's a problem, but nobody wants to call a spade and spade, and then nothing ever changes. Eh.
Went to a bar tonight with a girl friend from the program. It was a lot of fun being out with her to relax and kick back after a long week. As the evening wore on, it started raining cats and dogs, and after roughly an hour of hard rain, the bar actually started to flood through the kitchen window. The bartender announced, "If you don't want to be swimming soon, i suggest you get out of here. If you'd like to have a swim though, by all means!" lol. Flooding seems to be a major problem here, and in general, St. Petersburg seems to be a city that was built (and exists) in utter defiance of nature. Peter the Great was hell bent on having a port, so he chose some swampland that's almost in the arctic circle... genius, really! As a result, countless people died trying to fulfill that dream. As they say, "St. Petersburg was built on bones." And to some extent, you can't escape that knowledge once you learn about the city's history. It's incredibly beautiful here, but there's something behind that beauty that doesn't quite lend itself to words. For example, in any other city, pale yellow buildings would be a cheerful, sunny sight, but here, yellow has been persistently associated with insanity. There's something institutional about them, not anything that I could ever describe as "charming."
Switching gears from weather and architecture to people.... If things are really getting better, if the economy is getting stronger, and people's lifestyles are improving, why are an increasing number of Russians looking for a scapegoat, and why is xenophobia on the rise? Really, i'm at a loss. It might be related to the search Russians and Russia are going to through to find out, "Who are we?" It's a question that Russians are far more preoccupied with than Americans. After all, we all know we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and beyond that, we don't need much else. But after the Soviet Union, a drunk embarrassment of a president, and economic disaster, it seems like Russians are now trying to decide what it means to be Russian and how they want to relate to those who aren't part of the dominant nationality.
I haven't seen a single skinhead here and don't expect to run into one, but i don't have to look very far to find kissing-cousin sentiments. Last night in a bar, some guy came up to my friend and me offering to buy us a drink. Of course we refused, but he kept talking to us and decided that the sexiest topic of conversation would be discussing how much he hates all the illegal Tajiks in St. P. "Look there in the kitchen... you see those people? They aren't Russian, and they're here without registration." I wanted to ask him if he would actually want to do the kind of work they are doing. Then he wanted to get us going on the Mexicans in the US. Of course illegal immigrants are a strain on the government and economy of any country, but on the human level, I think most Americans understand that we're all people, and we all want to do what's best for our families. So there's no reason to hate illegal immigrants on the basis of race/nationality. Naturally, that was a foreign concept to our conversation partner. Getting more gutsy, i kindly pointed out to this young man that he didn't look the least bit Russian, so how could he have such a hatred for these non-Russians. Contrary to expectations, he didn't beat me up, but he did insist that he was 100% Russian and that he was "educated and well-off", as if I needed to know. It was obviously important to him though because he repeatedly pointed out with great disgust that these illegals live 20 people to a single room apartment. Obviously he's forgotten about the terrible conditions that that "pure" ethnic Russians lived in at several points during Russian history... and outside of the big cities, they continue to live in abject poverty.
Actually, forgetting history seems to be a huge part of the problem. Russia has always encompassed a huge variety of ethnic groups; furthermore, Russia was ruled by the Mongols for quite a significant chunk of time and I seriously doubt you could find a "purebred" Russian anywhere. Face it, we're all mongrels. But none of that matters. What matters is that one person doesn't look like another or doesn't talk like another and can be conveniently blamed.
There's one part of the Russian psyche that is very fatalistic, but there's another part of it that always wants to know who is to blame. If you don't believe me, comb through Russian history for the phrase "Kto vinovat?"; your head will swim. It's not that individual leaders can't be blamed for terrible things that have happened, but Russians don't seem able to accept the idea that "Sh*t happens." Unfortunately, that one phrase explains a lot of the world's problems... either because so many people are to blame, or because there's no way that a culprit can be pinned down. But not being able to accept that bad things sometimes happen for no reason, people start looking for someone to blame that is weakly related to the actual problem, be it the Jews, the West, or Tajiks.
In the late-1990s there was a phone survey of Peterburgites asking if they would personally participate in a pogrom against ethnic minorities, and a majority said they would. Imagine that! Minorities only make up ~10% of the population, but it's still a bit chilling. Judging from more recent statistics I've read but can't quote offhand, it's pretty safe to say that not much has changed.
Ok, now you probably think i hate Russia! Not true at all. It's just that Russia and Russian people baffle me completely sometimes. Everything connected to Russia is like a great work of literature with lots of layers to peel away, appreciate, and try to understand. If nothing else, Russia makes me think, and that's exactly why I love her so much.
15 July 2007
Today's the fifteenth:-((( This should be a day to celebrate, but on the whole, it's been a rough day for me. Something tells me i'm depressed and just don't want to admit it to myself. There was basically no food in the house (with the exception of meat dumplings that had been sitting out all night) so i pretty much starved all morning. This afternoon, i finally got hungry and grouchy enough to go to the store. Spent 700 roubles, and then the checker yelled at me for not giving her the right amount of kopeks. She wanted to know if i had 20 kopeks... i had one 10 kopek coin and one 50 kopek coin, so i said no. Then she fussed at me and grabbed the 50 kopek coin from my hand. They are basically worthless, but it still irritated me and made me feel really stupid. So i cried my way home and then yelled at a box of teabags about how i'll never learn Russian. There's no reason to be ashamed of having trouble in a foreign language, but some days i just don't feel like opening my mouth anymore and embarrassing myself further. I didn't come to Russia with any illusions about my ability to communicate in Russian, but it's still rough being constantly aware of being a foreigner, having people asking you to repeat stuff cause they couldn't understand through your American accent, or being yelled at by a store clerk because you didn't understand how worthless kopeks are. So, in short, today was the kind of day that makes me want to найти бутылку водочки and fly home. Add to that worrying about the 25th... and you can picture my state of mind right now.
16 July 2007
Got food poisoning to some degree from eating pelmeni (meat dumplings) last night that had been sitting out for too long. Something about refrigeration seems to be lost on my family; either that or they have stomachs make of iron. So let's just say that politeness and desperation are going to be the death of my digestive system.
Spent the first good chunk of last night failing to fall asleep and crying instead. This must be the mid-trip bundle of emotions and stress... so in the interest of physical and emotional health, I came home early from classes today and slept for three hours straight. Let's just hope that tomorrow will be different, better, happier.
Things'll get better, i'm sure of it. For now, sorry to end on such a depressing note. There's a degree of honesty I never seem to reach in spoken communication that comes flooding out in my writing. So apologies to those of you who talked with me over the weekend and thought i sounded upbeat, lol. You can blame ballet for my inability to be honest.
17 June 2007
Continuing my rant from a few days ago.... The front page of the newspaper today had a story about a Tartar young man being attacked and killed by a gang of 17 people here in St. P. In typical form, prosecutors are refusing to classify the murder as ethnically motivated. As usual, everyone knows there's a problem, but nobody wants to call a spade and spade, and then nothing ever changes. Eh.