Da Quest Doods (Mythklok Interstitial)
Title: Da Quest Doods (Mythklok Interstitial)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A tale Raziel told Toki while he was really trying to work on his dragon ship model kit.
Warnings: Slash, het, AU, F-words, OCs, smoking, Hobbit abuse
Notes: Notes after the jump
This is set in the Mythklok AU, and takes place during the story Fellowship, which is a bit long and dreary. This is a fairy tale Raziel told Toki while she was in the Mordhaus’ hospital wing recovering from using up all her magic. Toki was trying to work on his Viking dragon ship model kit and sort of half listening, so he may have gotten some parts wrong. Also, I kind of think Raziel may have stolen bits of this from someone else’s story. She's been known to do that.
Da Quest Doods (Mythklok Interstitial)
One late winter evening Frodo the Hobbit was assembling model kits with his best buddy, Gandalf the Wizard dude. Gandalf was totally old and wise and stuff, which you could tell because he had a beard.
“So, Gandalf da Wizard Dudes, my weird uncles ams given me dis cursed guitar pick!”
“Why do ye think it’s cursed, m’boy?” asked Gandalf the Wizard Dude, thoughtfully scratching his reddish beard.
“Cause dis ams a fairy tale, and dat’s what ams happens,” explained Frodo the Hobbit.
“OK, well, let’s try throwing it in the fire, shall we?”
“Will dat ams reveal da curse?”
“No, but it might create some splendid psychedelic colors that we could groove on!”
And so Frodo the Hobbit tossed the cursed guitar pick into his fireplace. It did indeed shoot out some really awesome colors, and then some ancient writing appeared on it! Gandalf picked up some tongs and carefully extracted the guitar pick from the fire.
“What does dat ancient writings say?” Frodo asked.
“DO NOT THROW THIS CURSED GUITAR PICK INTO THE FIRE.”
“What ams you t’inks, Gandalf? You ams wise an’ stuffs ‘cause you gots da beard.”
“Well, Frodo, you know what I think? I think I wanna work on that dragon boat model kit some more. Because it’s really cool. And then you should probably go on a quest!”
“WOWEE!”
“Unfortunately, I cannot go with you, as I have, er, important wizard business to attend to. But why don’t you take along your friend, loyal and true Samwise Gamgee?”
“Pffft,” said loyal and true Samwise, who had been standing in the corner the whole time, sneering and practicing his Gibson.
“Samwise, you should accompany Frodo, due to your being so loyal and true,” announced Galdalf.
“Ja. Ech,” sneered loyal and true Samwise.
The next day dawned bright and early, so the two Hobbits packed their guitars, and started off on a quest!
“La la la, we’re off ons da quests!” said Frodo, skipping through the fields.
“Will you ams quits humming Underwaters Friends, Frodo? You ams giving me da aches in da Hobbits hole.”
Suddenly, Frodo and Loyal Samwise came upon their Hobbit cousins, Merry and Pippin, who were out together. In the field. Together. Alone. For some reason.
“Hi Hobbit cousinses Merry and Pippin.”
“Er, hi Frodo and Scham,” said Merry. “We’re, er, out in the middle of this field, uh, picking berriesch together.”
“But, Merry, Dis ams a corn fields!” said Frodo.
“Uh, yeah, Frodo baby, we were picking corn!” remembered Pippin. “That’s totally what we were doing, yeah!”
“Would you ams like to joins da quests alongs wit’ me an’ loyal Samwise?” asked Frodo.
“Pfffft,” said loyal Samwise.
“Uh, I dunno, where are you headed exschactly?” asked Merry.
“We ams headed to da elven village to see Elrond da wise!” Frodo told them.
“Ooo, hot elf chicksch? Thisch could be good. OK, we’re in.”
The Hobbits soon reached the rendezvous point, a dodgy looking pub called the Inn of the Thundering Thunderhorse. Inside, a mysterious stranger with long silver hair sat moodily smoking and drinking a beer.
“Goddammit, why did she give me long hair in this story! I look like a fucking douche bag!” the moody stranger bitched.
“Hellos, moody beer-drinkings stranger,” said Frodo the Hobbit. “Will you ams helps us on our quests?”
“What fucking quest? I just want people to fucking leave me alone so I can finish my beer!”
But just then, a couple of douche bags wearing what looked like costumes from the Scream movies stormed into the bar and started wrestling Frodo the Hobbit for his cursed guitar pick. Which he had sort of taken off the chain and was using to strum his guitar. Because Frodo wasn’t the sharpest tool in the Hobbit shed.
Aragorn sighed, whacked the first douche bag over the head with his beer glass, and stabbed the second douche bag in the eye with his cigarette. They both emitted pretty embarrassing girlie screams and fled the bar.
Of course, then Aragorn and the Hobbits were expelled too for starting a fight.
“Goddammit, the Thundering Thunderhorse is the only bar in town that still allows smoking!” snarled Aragorn, who was in a bad mood, due to losing both his beer and his cigarette.
“Why don’t you ams joins us on da quests, mysterious long-haired stranger?” queried Frodo.
So, as Gandalf the Wizard seemed to have been called away again on important wizard business, Aragorn reluctantly agreed to escort Frodo and his friends on their quest, provided they shut the fuck up about his fucking hair.
And all of a sudden, they came upon a lonely house in the middle of the woods. Aragorn opened the door.
“Ka-ka-ka-ka-“ said the proprietor.
“Ya know what?” said Aragorn, slamming the door. “I never liked this fucking chapter anyway. Let’s go on to the elf city or whatever the fuck is next.”
They soon arrived at the lovely matte painting of the Elf City.
“DOODS!” the red-headed elf dude told them. “Welcome to da Council o’ Elrond. I’m like, an elf! And I got like magical powers and shit. It’s so totally bitchin’!”
Gandalf appeared along with a small, dark-haired girl. Both of them looking slightly disheveled. She reached up and tried to wipe a lipstick smear off Gandalf’s face with her thumb.
“Gandalf,” said Frodo, “Why ams you not meets us at da Thundering Thunderhorse?”
“Oh, I, uh, had some important wizard business to attend to. Very important wizard business.”
“It’s meeeeee, Aragorn sweetie!” said the small, dark-haired girl. “Your enchanting and beautiful elven girlfriend, Arwen! Did you miss me because I’m so ethereal?”
“God dammit, Arwen, why did you give me long hair?” growled Aragorn. “You know how much I fucking hate it!”
“Aw, but it looks so pretty when you let it grow.”
“GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY HAIR!” said Aragorn. “I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING TASER YOU!”
“Hey, Arwen, are you one of the hot elf chicksch?” asked Merry.
“Touch my tits and my hot-tempered boyfriend Aragorn will run you through!” warned Arwen.
“Eh. Whatever,” said Aragorn.
“Doods!” announced Elrond. “Da doods are her for da Council o’ Elrond. Oh, hey, dat’s me! I’m totally an elf!”
“Hi,” said Legolas the elf, who sort of looked more like a hot Indian guy than an elf. “I’m Legolas. The elf. And I’m really dreamy.” And he whipped his long hair.
“D’awwwwww!” reasoned Aragorn.
“Hey, why doesch that guy look more like an Indian dude than an elf?” asked Merry suspiciously.
“You ams sort of fats for a Hobbitses, dudes,” snarled Loyal Samwise, strumming his Gibson.
“I’m Boromir,” said Boromir, a big dude with lots of long dark hair and a really growly voice. “I totally don’t trust you, Aragorn, because you just seem kinda squirrely and I heard you turned down the crown of Gondor because they made the throne room nonsmoking and really with your hair long like that you look sort of like a douche, dude.”
“Three words, Boromir.” said Aragorn. “Big fucking sword. Up your ass.”
“Hey, dude, don’t get offended, and besides, that’s more than three words, geez, don’t be an asshole.”
“Hey, Arwen,” said Gandalf the Wizard Dude. “Uh. Wanna see my model kit?”
“Oooo,” said ethereal Arwen the beautiful elf, and she went skipping off with Gandalf the Wizard Dude to do important wizard business.
So the next day, everyone met at the Council of Elrond.
“Hey, doods!” Elrond told them. “I’m like, a wizard dude!”
“Uh, no,” said Galdalf, pushing Arwen off his lap, “I think you’re an elf, Elrond.”
“Oh, yeah! Dat’s so awesome.” And so they sat around the table in silence for a time.
“Uh,” said Aragorn, blowing smoke. “Aren’t we gonna figure out what to do with the fucking guitar pick? So I can fucking go out and get more beer?”
“Oh, yeah doods!” agreed Elrond. “What should we doo wit’ da fuckin’ guitar pick?”
“Arwen,” said Aragorn, “GET OFF MY FUCKING LAP BEFORE I TASER YOU!”
“Awww,” said ethereal Arwen, jumping expertly out of tasering range.
“Well,” said Boromir, “You know what I heard? I heard there was some dude and he was like a evil and stuff and he forged the cursed guitar pick so he could control every guitar in the world only then he was fucking around and electrocuted himself on his own amp and then some dwarfs took it only they only listened to progressive rock so the guitar pick tried to commit suicide by jumping into a river only then it was picked up by a couple of Norwegian dudes who ended up killing each other over whether black metal is really a subgenre of death metal and then it ended up with a bunch of gay Hobbits. Anyway, that’s what I heard.”
“Cool,” said Elrond. “I’m an elf dood!”
“Well, I think we should go on a quest to destroy the cursed guitar pick!” opined Legolas, swinging his long hair.
“Uhhhhhh,” said Aragorn. “I think we should do what Legolas says.”
“I’m dreamy,” said Legolas.
“If I ams goes on da quests, den loyal and true Samwise ams goes with me!” said Frodo.
“Ech,” said loyal and true Samwise, finger his guitar.
“Aren’t there any more hot elf chicksch than this one?” grumble Merry. “Scheriously, sche’s kinda annoying.”
So the next day, they all assembled to start on their quest.
“So,” said Elrond, “Yoo doods are all assembled to, like, do somethin’. Or, uh, somethin’.”
“DESTROY THE GUITAR PICK!” fumed Aragorn.
“Oh, Yea. Hey, I’m totally a guitar pick! I mean, an elf!”
Gandalf and Arwen suddenly arrived, looking suspiciously disheveled. Arwen reached up to wipe a lipstick smear off the Wizard Dude’s cheek.
“Bye, Aragorn, now is the time to bid farewell to your ethereal elf girlfriend!” sang Arwen.
“Feh,” said Aragorn, lighting a cigarette. “So, where exactly were you last night, Gandalf,” asked Aragorn.
“Uh, wizard business. Yeah. Important wizard business,” he said, giving Arwen a very wizardly pat on the rump.
“So are we finally gonna get the fuck out of here so I can get my beer?”
“WAIT!” said Gandalf.
“What?” grumbled Aragorn.
“We forgot a dwarf. We need a dwarf for our quest! Oh, Arwen!”
“But Arwen’s not a fucking dwarf!”
“I’m a big, gay unicorn!” volunteered Elrond.
“Wait a minute sweetie! I mean, Gandalf!” called Arwen the ethereal elf. “I just have to pack a few changes of clothes.”
And so, just a few mere months later, after Arwen had loaded her steamer trunk with some very cute little questing outfits, they started off on their journey.
“But, Raziel, it ams beens months, and they ain’ts even ons da quests yet!”
“Well, yeah, you need to plan your quests well, Toki! You must make certain you don’t run out of cute little hats!”
“But dis story ams boring! Dey ams havin’ meetings, and dat Arwens chicks ams making out wit’ da wizards!”
“Really? Do you think so? But I thought Arwen was Aragorn’s ethereal girlfriend.”
“Nah, she ams totally cheatsing on hims.”
“Oh, poor Aragorn!”
“But, dats ams OK, because I t’inks he ams into dat Legolas dudes.”
“Ooo, you think so? Do you suppose they’ll make out?”
“Ja, maybes, ins da next chapters!”
“Hrm. I think I like your story better!”
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A tale Raziel told Toki while he was really trying to work on his dragon ship model kit.
Warnings: Slash, het, AU, F-words, OCs, smoking, Hobbit abuse
Notes: Notes after the jump
This is set in the Mythklok AU, and takes place during the story Fellowship, which is a bit long and dreary. This is a fairy tale Raziel told Toki while she was in the Mordhaus’ hospital wing recovering from using up all her magic. Toki was trying to work on his Viking dragon ship model kit and sort of half listening, so he may have gotten some parts wrong. Also, I kind of think Raziel may have stolen bits of this from someone else’s story. She's been known to do that.
Da Quest Doods (Mythklok Interstitial)
One late winter evening Frodo the Hobbit was assembling model kits with his best buddy, Gandalf the Wizard dude. Gandalf was totally old and wise and stuff, which you could tell because he had a beard.
“So, Gandalf da Wizard Dudes, my weird uncles ams given me dis cursed guitar pick!”
“Why do ye think it’s cursed, m’boy?” asked Gandalf the Wizard Dude, thoughtfully scratching his reddish beard.
“Cause dis ams a fairy tale, and dat’s what ams happens,” explained Frodo the Hobbit.
“OK, well, let’s try throwing it in the fire, shall we?”
“Will dat ams reveal da curse?”
“No, but it might create some splendid psychedelic colors that we could groove on!”
And so Frodo the Hobbit tossed the cursed guitar pick into his fireplace. It did indeed shoot out some really awesome colors, and then some ancient writing appeared on it! Gandalf picked up some tongs and carefully extracted the guitar pick from the fire.
“What does dat ancient writings say?” Frodo asked.
“DO NOT THROW THIS CURSED GUITAR PICK INTO THE FIRE.”
“What ams you t’inks, Gandalf? You ams wise an’ stuffs ‘cause you gots da beard.”
“Well, Frodo, you know what I think? I think I wanna work on that dragon boat model kit some more. Because it’s really cool. And then you should probably go on a quest!”
“WOWEE!”
“Unfortunately, I cannot go with you, as I have, er, important wizard business to attend to. But why don’t you take along your friend, loyal and true Samwise Gamgee?”
“Pffft,” said loyal and true Samwise, who had been standing in the corner the whole time, sneering and practicing his Gibson.
“Samwise, you should accompany Frodo, due to your being so loyal and true,” announced Galdalf.
“Ja. Ech,” sneered loyal and true Samwise.
The next day dawned bright and early, so the two Hobbits packed their guitars, and started off on a quest!
“La la la, we’re off ons da quests!” said Frodo, skipping through the fields.
“Will you ams quits humming Underwaters Friends, Frodo? You ams giving me da aches in da Hobbits hole.”
Suddenly, Frodo and Loyal Samwise came upon their Hobbit cousins, Merry and Pippin, who were out together. In the field. Together. Alone. For some reason.
“Hi Hobbit cousinses Merry and Pippin.”
“Er, hi Frodo and Scham,” said Merry. “We’re, er, out in the middle of this field, uh, picking berriesch together.”
“But, Merry, Dis ams a corn fields!” said Frodo.
“Uh, yeah, Frodo baby, we were picking corn!” remembered Pippin. “That’s totally what we were doing, yeah!”
“Would you ams like to joins da quests alongs wit’ me an’ loyal Samwise?” asked Frodo.
“Pfffft,” said loyal Samwise.
“Uh, I dunno, where are you headed exschactly?” asked Merry.
“We ams headed to da elven village to see Elrond da wise!” Frodo told them.
“Ooo, hot elf chicksch? Thisch could be good. OK, we’re in.”
The Hobbits soon reached the rendezvous point, a dodgy looking pub called the Inn of the Thundering Thunderhorse. Inside, a mysterious stranger with long silver hair sat moodily smoking and drinking a beer.
“Goddammit, why did she give me long hair in this story! I look like a fucking douche bag!” the moody stranger bitched.
“Hellos, moody beer-drinkings stranger,” said Frodo the Hobbit. “Will you ams helps us on our quests?”
“What fucking quest? I just want people to fucking leave me alone so I can finish my beer!”
But just then, a couple of douche bags wearing what looked like costumes from the Scream movies stormed into the bar and started wrestling Frodo the Hobbit for his cursed guitar pick. Which he had sort of taken off the chain and was using to strum his guitar. Because Frodo wasn’t the sharpest tool in the Hobbit shed.
Aragorn sighed, whacked the first douche bag over the head with his beer glass, and stabbed the second douche bag in the eye with his cigarette. They both emitted pretty embarrassing girlie screams and fled the bar.
Of course, then Aragorn and the Hobbits were expelled too for starting a fight.
“Goddammit, the Thundering Thunderhorse is the only bar in town that still allows smoking!” snarled Aragorn, who was in a bad mood, due to losing both his beer and his cigarette.
“Why don’t you ams joins us on da quests, mysterious long-haired stranger?” queried Frodo.
So, as Gandalf the Wizard seemed to have been called away again on important wizard business, Aragorn reluctantly agreed to escort Frodo and his friends on their quest, provided they shut the fuck up about his fucking hair.
And all of a sudden, they came upon a lonely house in the middle of the woods. Aragorn opened the door.
“Ka-ka-ka-ka-“ said the proprietor.
“Ya know what?” said Aragorn, slamming the door. “I never liked this fucking chapter anyway. Let’s go on to the elf city or whatever the fuck is next.”
They soon arrived at the lovely matte painting of the Elf City.
“DOODS!” the red-headed elf dude told them. “Welcome to da Council o’ Elrond. I’m like, an elf! And I got like magical powers and shit. It’s so totally bitchin’!”
Gandalf appeared along with a small, dark-haired girl. Both of them looking slightly disheveled. She reached up and tried to wipe a lipstick smear off Gandalf’s face with her thumb.
“Gandalf,” said Frodo, “Why ams you not meets us at da Thundering Thunderhorse?”
“Oh, I, uh, had some important wizard business to attend to. Very important wizard business.”
“It’s meeeeee, Aragorn sweetie!” said the small, dark-haired girl. “Your enchanting and beautiful elven girlfriend, Arwen! Did you miss me because I’m so ethereal?”
“God dammit, Arwen, why did you give me long hair?” growled Aragorn. “You know how much I fucking hate it!”
“Aw, but it looks so pretty when you let it grow.”
“GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY HAIR!” said Aragorn. “I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING TASER YOU!”
“Hey, Arwen, are you one of the hot elf chicksch?” asked Merry.
“Touch my tits and my hot-tempered boyfriend Aragorn will run you through!” warned Arwen.
“Eh. Whatever,” said Aragorn.
“Doods!” announced Elrond. “Da doods are her for da Council o’ Elrond. Oh, hey, dat’s me! I’m totally an elf!”
“Hi,” said Legolas the elf, who sort of looked more like a hot Indian guy than an elf. “I’m Legolas. The elf. And I’m really dreamy.” And he whipped his long hair.
“D’awwwwww!” reasoned Aragorn.
“Hey, why doesch that guy look more like an Indian dude than an elf?” asked Merry suspiciously.
“You ams sort of fats for a Hobbitses, dudes,” snarled Loyal Samwise, strumming his Gibson.
“I’m Boromir,” said Boromir, a big dude with lots of long dark hair and a really growly voice. “I totally don’t trust you, Aragorn, because you just seem kinda squirrely and I heard you turned down the crown of Gondor because they made the throne room nonsmoking and really with your hair long like that you look sort of like a douche, dude.”
“Three words, Boromir.” said Aragorn. “Big fucking sword. Up your ass.”
“Hey, dude, don’t get offended, and besides, that’s more than three words, geez, don’t be an asshole.”
“Hey, Arwen,” said Gandalf the Wizard Dude. “Uh. Wanna see my model kit?”
“Oooo,” said ethereal Arwen the beautiful elf, and she went skipping off with Gandalf the Wizard Dude to do important wizard business.
So the next day, everyone met at the Council of Elrond.
“Hey, doods!” Elrond told them. “I’m like, a wizard dude!”
“Uh, no,” said Galdalf, pushing Arwen off his lap, “I think you’re an elf, Elrond.”
“Oh, yeah! Dat’s so awesome.” And so they sat around the table in silence for a time.
“Uh,” said Aragorn, blowing smoke. “Aren’t we gonna figure out what to do with the fucking guitar pick? So I can fucking go out and get more beer?”
“Oh, yeah doods!” agreed Elrond. “What should we doo wit’ da fuckin’ guitar pick?”
“Arwen,” said Aragorn, “GET OFF MY FUCKING LAP BEFORE I TASER YOU!”
“Awww,” said ethereal Arwen, jumping expertly out of tasering range.
“Well,” said Boromir, “You know what I heard? I heard there was some dude and he was like a evil and stuff and he forged the cursed guitar pick so he could control every guitar in the world only then he was fucking around and electrocuted himself on his own amp and then some dwarfs took it only they only listened to progressive rock so the guitar pick tried to commit suicide by jumping into a river only then it was picked up by a couple of Norwegian dudes who ended up killing each other over whether black metal is really a subgenre of death metal and then it ended up with a bunch of gay Hobbits. Anyway, that’s what I heard.”
“Cool,” said Elrond. “I’m an elf dood!”
“Well, I think we should go on a quest to destroy the cursed guitar pick!” opined Legolas, swinging his long hair.
“Uhhhhhh,” said Aragorn. “I think we should do what Legolas says.”
“I’m dreamy,” said Legolas.
“If I ams goes on da quests, den loyal and true Samwise ams goes with me!” said Frodo.
“Ech,” said loyal and true Samwise, finger his guitar.
“Aren’t there any more hot elf chicksch than this one?” grumble Merry. “Scheriously, sche’s kinda annoying.”
So the next day, they all assembled to start on their quest.
“So,” said Elrond, “Yoo doods are all assembled to, like, do somethin’. Or, uh, somethin’.”
“DESTROY THE GUITAR PICK!” fumed Aragorn.
“Oh, Yea. Hey, I’m totally a guitar pick! I mean, an elf!”
Gandalf and Arwen suddenly arrived, looking suspiciously disheveled. Arwen reached up to wipe a lipstick smear off the Wizard Dude’s cheek.
“Bye, Aragorn, now is the time to bid farewell to your ethereal elf girlfriend!” sang Arwen.
“Feh,” said Aragorn, lighting a cigarette. “So, where exactly were you last night, Gandalf,” asked Aragorn.
“Uh, wizard business. Yeah. Important wizard business,” he said, giving Arwen a very wizardly pat on the rump.
“So are we finally gonna get the fuck out of here so I can get my beer?”
“WAIT!” said Gandalf.
“What?” grumbled Aragorn.
“We forgot a dwarf. We need a dwarf for our quest! Oh, Arwen!”
“But Arwen’s not a fucking dwarf!”
“I’m a big, gay unicorn!” volunteered Elrond.
“Wait a minute sweetie! I mean, Gandalf!” called Arwen the ethereal elf. “I just have to pack a few changes of clothes.”
And so, just a few mere months later, after Arwen had loaded her steamer trunk with some very cute little questing outfits, they started off on their journey.
“But, Raziel, it ams beens months, and they ain’ts even ons da quests yet!”
“Well, yeah, you need to plan your quests well, Toki! You must make certain you don’t run out of cute little hats!”
“But dis story ams boring! Dey ams havin’ meetings, and dat Arwens chicks ams making out wit’ da wizards!”
“Really? Do you think so? But I thought Arwen was Aragorn’s ethereal girlfriend.”
“Nah, she ams totally cheatsing on hims.”
“Oh, poor Aragorn!”
“But, dats ams OK, because I t’inks he ams into dat Legolas dudes.”
“Ooo, you think so? Do you suppose they’ll make out?”
“Ja, maybes, ins da next chapters!”
“Hrm. I think I like your story better!”