Bandfic Snippet: Brendon Urie, Evil Genius
Little things just keep annoying me this week (car repair place, I'm looking at you), so in an attempt to snap myself out of my grumbly mood last night, I a) watched the trailer for Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog! a few too many times, and b) wrote this. Total crack, quick and rough, no idea if I'll do anything more with it since I already have far too many things on my plate as is, but it made me laugh which is what I needed last night.
So. Brendon Urie, Evil Genius Mastermind. No, seriously. Also starring Jon Walker, friendly neighborhood barista, Patrick Stump, unsuspecting student, and Pete Wentz as Brendon's Arch Nemesis, although he prefers the title of The Hero.
Brendon writes his Grand Master Evil Plans down in a notebook: spiral bound, but with perforated pages in case he needs to tear something out. Because plans change and no one likes to read a Grand Master Evil Plan with things scribbled out, you know? He thinks it would probably look pretty unprofessional and would also maybe be sort of illegible? Which would pretty much defeat the purpose of a Grand Master Evil Plan.
Page one of the notebook reads: Grand Master Evil Plan #1. Because Evil Geniuses should always have more than one Grand Master Evil Plan going at a time. That way, if the Hero (in Brendon's case, Pete Wentz, Savior of Chicago and Brendon's Arch Nemesis) stops one, Brendon will have others to fall back on. Because Evil Geniuses should be genius-ly prepared like that.
So, Grand Master Evil Plan #1: Cause Mayhem and Destruction through the Clever Use of Coffee.
See, Brendon knows his coffee, namely because he's been forbidden to drink it since he was, like, born, so any coffee he's had in the last 21 years of his life? Totally black market and contraband, and as such, totally more dangerous than normal coffee. Like, there's no regulation on the caffeine! It could be, like, 100% caffeine, and the whole world on a caffeine high? Brendon shudders to think. (Except he's really shuddering in *glee*.)
Plan #1 goes as follows:
a) Befriend barista at coffee shop. The short one with the scruffy beard and the magic marker cloud on the back of his hand. Nametag reads JWALK-nickname or parents with cruel sense of humor??? Possible topic of conversation during befriending.
b) Become fixture at coffee shop, so that when time comes to substitute Evil Coffee for free range/organic/whatever coffee no one will think he looks out of place.
c) Substitute Evil Coffee.
d) Sit back with a cup of hot chocolate and watch mayhem unfold.
e) (sometime between a and b) practice evil cackle.
Brendon's plan starts out well. JWalk (nickname, short for Jon Walker) is a friendly barista. He remembers Brendon's name, Brendon's order, and even though Brendon gets a decaf mocha, he still piles the whip cream high and gives Brendon more than twice the number of chocolate sprinkles that he gives to other customers.
Because Brendon is a good planner, he's come up with a cover story, too. a.k.a., he brings a backpack and books and he pretends to study. Sometimes Jon Walker will come over and sit at his table and Jon Walker is possibly even more awesome than the magic marker clouds led Brendon to believe he was, because he also likes Disney *musicals* and that pretty much makes him Brendon's favorite person ever. Brendon would almost feels bad for using him as an unassuming accomplice (or maybe minion would be a better word?) except that, well, Evil Geniuses aren't supposed to feel guilt. Because they are Evil.
So basically, things are going along just *fine* until Brendon's fourth visit to the coffee place, where he actually notices the guy who's *also* been there two of the last three times Brendon's been there: short, red haired, with a hat pulled down low over his face. He's got books of his own spread out on the table in front of him-things that look like Philosophy (ick) and Poetry (double ick) and even some Biology (ick, ick, ick). He bites at the cap of his pen and highlights things in orange and then, when Brendon's minding his own business, paying more attention to thinking, 'I belong here, I belong here, I'm just part of the scenery' than reading his book, the guy comes over and sits down across from him.
"You were humming," the guy says and Brendon blinks, because he… had been? Possibly? Not that it's something he notices.
"Sorry?" he says. For an instant he berates himself because Evil Geniuses aren't supposed to apologize. It's, like, Rule #1 in the Evil Genius Handbook, 10th Edition, Revised and Expanded, now with 20% more Evil for 2008! But then he thinks: Cultivating friendly, unsuspected Evil Genius next-door persona. Thus: apologizing is good.
"No," the guy says. "It sounded good. Better than the-" and he rolls his eyes up towards the ceiling, or possibly in the direction of the speakers at the corners of the room, and Brendon says, "Ha, yeah. Yeah."
"Patrick," Patrick says, sticking his hand out, and Brendon grins and shakes it and says, "Brendon. Um. Urie." Then, he looks in the direction of the counter and sees Jon staring at them. "And that's Jon Walker, in case you didn't already know. Our friendly neighborhood barista."
Patrick waves and Jon waves and comes to join them on his break and suddenly, they seem to be more of a trio, rather than Jon (awesome), Brendon (Undercover Evil and also awesome), and Patrick (off by his lonesome and not part of their duo-now-trio of awesome).
Basically: it's awesome. Until six o'clock rolls around and the door to the coffee place opens and who should come in but Pete Wentz. Brendon is pretty sure that there should have been some swelling ominous music rising in the background, highlighting the jingling of the bells on the door-or maybe an inspirational theme song? Because heroes always had the inspirational anthems. But no, it was just Pete walking through the door and saying, "Patrick Stump. You've gone and made new friends. If you aren't careful, I'm going to think you've forgotten all about me."
Brendon glares and Pete stares at him for a moment, a quick assessment before looking back at Patrick-too quick, in Brendon's opinion, and okay, so Pete might not know that he's Brendon's Arch Nemesis yet? Or that Brendon is totally going to be Pete's, displacing Gabe and his Cobra of Evil, or Ryland and his Accent of Evil, or William Beckett and his Bowler Hat of Evil, or Travie and his Beats of Subliminal Message Evil, but he will know it soon enough. And then Pete will rue the day he dismissed Brendon so quickly.
"This is Brendon," Patrick says. "And that's Jon behind the counter. And is it that late already? Shit, fuck, I'm sorry. Let me just grab my-" and then he's picking up his bag and waving goodbye to Brendon and he's letting Pete shepherd him out the door.
Brendon, quite possibly, glares after them until they are out of sight. When he turns his attention back to the inside of the coffee shop, though, he sees Jon looking at him, a sympathetic look on his face. Like he knows that Brendon doesn't stand a chance, not when his competition is a stupid superhero who goes around the city dressed in outfits with the stupid Bartskull embroidered on them, what the hell. He just smiles at Jon, though, because that's what Evil Geniuses do. They smile while they plot Evil. And Brendon is plotting Evil right now.
He turns back to his notebook, skips to the next blank page and writes:
Grand Master Evil Plan #2: Steal Patrick Stump from Pete Wentz by Use of Evil Wiles.
a) Come up with Evil Genius plan.
b) Perfect Cackle of Victory.
c) Win PStump's heart and demonstrate Cackle of Victory to PWentz. Because I will WIN!!!
So. Brendon Urie, Evil Genius Mastermind. No, seriously. Also starring Jon Walker, friendly neighborhood barista, Patrick Stump, unsuspecting student, and Pete Wentz as Brendon's Arch Nemesis, although he prefers the title of The Hero.
Brendon writes his Grand Master Evil Plans down in a notebook: spiral bound, but with perforated pages in case he needs to tear something out. Because plans change and no one likes to read a Grand Master Evil Plan with things scribbled out, you know? He thinks it would probably look pretty unprofessional and would also maybe be sort of illegible? Which would pretty much defeat the purpose of a Grand Master Evil Plan.
Page one of the notebook reads: Grand Master Evil Plan #1. Because Evil Geniuses should always have more than one Grand Master Evil Plan going at a time. That way, if the Hero (in Brendon's case, Pete Wentz, Savior of Chicago and Brendon's Arch Nemesis) stops one, Brendon will have others to fall back on. Because Evil Geniuses should be genius-ly prepared like that.
So, Grand Master Evil Plan #1: Cause Mayhem and Destruction through the Clever Use of Coffee.
See, Brendon knows his coffee, namely because he's been forbidden to drink it since he was, like, born, so any coffee he's had in the last 21 years of his life? Totally black market and contraband, and as such, totally more dangerous than normal coffee. Like, there's no regulation on the caffeine! It could be, like, 100% caffeine, and the whole world on a caffeine high? Brendon shudders to think. (Except he's really shuddering in *glee*.)
Plan #1 goes as follows:
a) Befriend barista at coffee shop. The short one with the scruffy beard and the magic marker cloud on the back of his hand. Nametag reads JWALK-nickname or parents with cruel sense of humor??? Possible topic of conversation during befriending.
b) Become fixture at coffee shop, so that when time comes to substitute Evil Coffee for free range/organic/whatever coffee no one will think he looks out of place.
c) Substitute Evil Coffee.
d) Sit back with a cup of hot chocolate and watch mayhem unfold.
e) (sometime between a and b) practice evil cackle.
Brendon's plan starts out well. JWalk (nickname, short for Jon Walker) is a friendly barista. He remembers Brendon's name, Brendon's order, and even though Brendon gets a decaf mocha, he still piles the whip cream high and gives Brendon more than twice the number of chocolate sprinkles that he gives to other customers.
Because Brendon is a good planner, he's come up with a cover story, too. a.k.a., he brings a backpack and books and he pretends to study. Sometimes Jon Walker will come over and sit at his table and Jon Walker is possibly even more awesome than the magic marker clouds led Brendon to believe he was, because he also likes Disney *musicals* and that pretty much makes him Brendon's favorite person ever. Brendon would almost feels bad for using him as an unassuming accomplice (or maybe minion would be a better word?) except that, well, Evil Geniuses aren't supposed to feel guilt. Because they are Evil.
So basically, things are going along just *fine* until Brendon's fourth visit to the coffee place, where he actually notices the guy who's *also* been there two of the last three times Brendon's been there: short, red haired, with a hat pulled down low over his face. He's got books of his own spread out on the table in front of him-things that look like Philosophy (ick) and Poetry (double ick) and even some Biology (ick, ick, ick). He bites at the cap of his pen and highlights things in orange and then, when Brendon's minding his own business, paying more attention to thinking, 'I belong here, I belong here, I'm just part of the scenery' than reading his book, the guy comes over and sits down across from him.
"You were humming," the guy says and Brendon blinks, because he… had been? Possibly? Not that it's something he notices.
"Sorry?" he says. For an instant he berates himself because Evil Geniuses aren't supposed to apologize. It's, like, Rule #1 in the Evil Genius Handbook, 10th Edition, Revised and Expanded, now with 20% more Evil for 2008! But then he thinks: Cultivating friendly, unsuspected Evil Genius next-door persona. Thus: apologizing is good.
"No," the guy says. "It sounded good. Better than the-" and he rolls his eyes up towards the ceiling, or possibly in the direction of the speakers at the corners of the room, and Brendon says, "Ha, yeah. Yeah."
"Patrick," Patrick says, sticking his hand out, and Brendon grins and shakes it and says, "Brendon. Um. Urie." Then, he looks in the direction of the counter and sees Jon staring at them. "And that's Jon Walker, in case you didn't already know. Our friendly neighborhood barista."
Patrick waves and Jon waves and comes to join them on his break and suddenly, they seem to be more of a trio, rather than Jon (awesome), Brendon (Undercover Evil and also awesome), and Patrick (off by his lonesome and not part of their duo-now-trio of awesome).
Basically: it's awesome. Until six o'clock rolls around and the door to the coffee place opens and who should come in but Pete Wentz. Brendon is pretty sure that there should have been some swelling ominous music rising in the background, highlighting the jingling of the bells on the door-or maybe an inspirational theme song? Because heroes always had the inspirational anthems. But no, it was just Pete walking through the door and saying, "Patrick Stump. You've gone and made new friends. If you aren't careful, I'm going to think you've forgotten all about me."
Brendon glares and Pete stares at him for a moment, a quick assessment before looking back at Patrick-too quick, in Brendon's opinion, and okay, so Pete might not know that he's Brendon's Arch Nemesis yet? Or that Brendon is totally going to be Pete's, displacing Gabe and his Cobra of Evil, or Ryland and his Accent of Evil, or William Beckett and his Bowler Hat of Evil, or Travie and his Beats of Subliminal Message Evil, but he will know it soon enough. And then Pete will rue the day he dismissed Brendon so quickly.
"This is Brendon," Patrick says. "And that's Jon behind the counter. And is it that late already? Shit, fuck, I'm sorry. Let me just grab my-" and then he's picking up his bag and waving goodbye to Brendon and he's letting Pete shepherd him out the door.
Brendon, quite possibly, glares after them until they are out of sight. When he turns his attention back to the inside of the coffee shop, though, he sees Jon looking at him, a sympathetic look on his face. Like he knows that Brendon doesn't stand a chance, not when his competition is a stupid superhero who goes around the city dressed in outfits with the stupid Bartskull embroidered on them, what the hell. He just smiles at Jon, though, because that's what Evil Geniuses do. They smile while they plot Evil. And Brendon is plotting Evil right now.
He turns back to his notebook, skips to the next blank page and writes:
Grand Master Evil Plan #2: Steal Patrick Stump from Pete Wentz by Use of Evil Wiles.
a) Come up with Evil Genius plan.
b) Perfect Cackle of Victory.
c) Win PStump's heart and demonstrate Cackle of Victory to PWentz. Because I will WIN!!!