Whiskey Lullaby - BtVS fic - PG13
Title: Whiskey Lullaby
Fandom: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
Disclaimer: not my characters. lyrics excerpted from "Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley and Allison Krause. just for fun.
Warnings: AU for everything. Slash
Pairings: see above
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 725
Point of view: third
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
-
The whiskey lullaby is the only kind Xander knows. If he knew of others, it’d make him sad, but he doesn’t.
He doesn’t know other kids get sung to sleep by sounds that aren’t screams. He doesn’t know other kids get cake on their birthdays, and presents. He doesn’t even know about Christmas, beyond it’s Jesus’ birthday, but he doesn’t know who Jesus is or what He did.
He doesn’t know about Easter or Thanksgiving, either, and he knows enough to hide that fact from his friends. He also knows he’d hate pity, though he hasn’t a clue what pity is.
The whiskey lullaby--his mother’s begging and his father’s drunken laughter--is the only thing he can remember from his childhood as he dies.
-
It wasn’t until he was fifteen that Xander fully realized what his childhood lacked. Oh, he knew other parents weren’t like his, but Jesse’s were close and Willow’s never there. So he didn’t have a lot to compare to.
He knew other kids got hugs and kisses, presents and chocolate. He knew other kids got bikes and dogs and TV. He knew other kid’s had actual parents. Or at least, that’s what he observed at the park, day after day.
Willow’s parents gave her everything a child could want, besides affection. She had books and toys and movies. She had clothes that weren’t faded and torn, and food that wasn’t days old.
Jesse’s parents weren’t good, but they were better than Xander’s. He had healthier food, better clothes, a few toys, and less bruises. He had hopes that weren’t dashed and dreams that might come true.
Sometimes, when Xander felt the need to escape, he’d run to Jesse. Jesse would tell him of the future, of when they’d escaped their nightmares and lived the lives they wanted. Jesse would be a rockstar, Willow a scientist, and Xander-well, his part always changed. But they were always happy, in that made up world, always together.
Of course, Xander should have known that while Jess and Will could dream, he couldn’t. And his father convinced him that hopes are better with broken wings and choking on their own bloody vomit.
And razor blades dance in Xander’s throat while a fire roars behind his eyes as all his nightmares come true and Jesse-oh, Jesse-dies.
-
Until Buffy and Giles, Xander thought he knew what monsters were. Monsters were his parents, and Jess’s parents, and-after a fashion-Will’s parents, too. But now he learned of demons and vampires and that the thing under his bed and in his closet was real.
Now he has only Will and the blood on his hands still drips in his nightmares. Now there’s no one to run to, because Jess is gone, gone, gone... turned to dust and blown away. No more stories of dreams. No more hopes with newly mended wings.
All that’s left for Xander is the whiskey lullaby, singing him to sleep.
-
Willow tries her best, really she does, and Xander knows it. And so does Buffy, even if she doesn’t understand, since she had a happy childhood. But Buffy never really met Jess, so she can’t fathom how the dark the world is without him. And Willow never knew the Jess Xander did. She knew the funny boy, the jokester. And she doesn’t ask Xander why he takes on that role after.
And Buffy and Giles don’t know the person Xander was before Jess died, so they don’t question it, either.
And they don’t know of the scars on his body or soul, the bruises that grow daily, and even Will can’t see how close to the edge he walks.
The razor blades haunt his throat as the fire haunts his eyes, and Jess beckons nightly for Xander to join him.
-
The whiskey lullaby lulls him to sleep, and Jess isn’t there to say it’ll be better in the morning.
Fandom: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
Disclaimer: not my characters. lyrics excerpted from "Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley and Allison Krause. just for fun.
Warnings: AU for everything. Slash
Pairings: see above
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 725
Point of view: third
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
-
The whiskey lullaby is the only kind Xander knows. If he knew of others, it’d make him sad, but he doesn’t.
He doesn’t know other kids get sung to sleep by sounds that aren’t screams. He doesn’t know other kids get cake on their birthdays, and presents. He doesn’t even know about Christmas, beyond it’s Jesus’ birthday, but he doesn’t know who Jesus is or what He did.
He doesn’t know about Easter or Thanksgiving, either, and he knows enough to hide that fact from his friends. He also knows he’d hate pity, though he hasn’t a clue what pity is.
The whiskey lullaby--his mother’s begging and his father’s drunken laughter--is the only thing he can remember from his childhood as he dies.
-
It wasn’t until he was fifteen that Xander fully realized what his childhood lacked. Oh, he knew other parents weren’t like his, but Jesse’s were close and Willow’s never there. So he didn’t have a lot to compare to.
He knew other kids got hugs and kisses, presents and chocolate. He knew other kids got bikes and dogs and TV. He knew other kid’s had actual parents. Or at least, that’s what he observed at the park, day after day.
Willow’s parents gave her everything a child could want, besides affection. She had books and toys and movies. She had clothes that weren’t faded and torn, and food that wasn’t days old.
Jesse’s parents weren’t good, but they were better than Xander’s. He had healthier food, better clothes, a few toys, and less bruises. He had hopes that weren’t dashed and dreams that might come true.
Sometimes, when Xander felt the need to escape, he’d run to Jesse. Jesse would tell him of the future, of when they’d escaped their nightmares and lived the lives they wanted. Jesse would be a rockstar, Willow a scientist, and Xander-well, his part always changed. But they were always happy, in that made up world, always together.
Of course, Xander should have known that while Jess and Will could dream, he couldn’t. And his father convinced him that hopes are better with broken wings and choking on their own bloody vomit.
And razor blades dance in Xander’s throat while a fire roars behind his eyes as all his nightmares come true and Jesse-oh, Jesse-dies.
-
Until Buffy and Giles, Xander thought he knew what monsters were. Monsters were his parents, and Jess’s parents, and-after a fashion-Will’s parents, too. But now he learned of demons and vampires and that the thing under his bed and in his closet was real.
Now he has only Will and the blood on his hands still drips in his nightmares. Now there’s no one to run to, because Jess is gone, gone, gone... turned to dust and blown away. No more stories of dreams. No more hopes with newly mended wings.
All that’s left for Xander is the whiskey lullaby, singing him to sleep.
-
Willow tries her best, really she does, and Xander knows it. And so does Buffy, even if she doesn’t understand, since she had a happy childhood. But Buffy never really met Jess, so she can’t fathom how the dark the world is without him. And Willow never knew the Jess Xander did. She knew the funny boy, the jokester. And she doesn’t ask Xander why he takes on that role after.
And Buffy and Giles don’t know the person Xander was before Jess died, so they don’t question it, either.
And they don’t know of the scars on his body or soul, the bruises that grow daily, and even Will can’t see how close to the edge he walks.
The razor blades haunt his throat as the fire haunts his eyes, and Jess beckons nightly for Xander to join him.
-
The whiskey lullaby lulls him to sleep, and Jess isn’t there to say it’ll be better in the morning.