Dreams spiral birdwinged overhead - Glee, PG13
Title: Dreams spiral birdwinged overhead
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Adrienne Rich; poem excerpts are mine
Warnings: slightly AU; takes place before season 1; suicidal thoughts
Pairings: canon
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 1150
Point of view: third
Prompt: Any, any, this is the first day of my last days
Note: the poem Kurt writes can be found here
He makes the plan on Saturday. It's been in the back of his mind for awhile, maybe even since Mama died. He feels like a coward as he details it all out in his notebook, behind angsty poetry and fashion sketches. It might be found, after.
This'll hurt Dad, he knows it will, but there's nothing else to do. He knows that life will get better, someday. But someday is so far away, and he has to live in now, and now? Now, he can't stand it anymore.
In the margin, next to the bullet point (and, ha, bulletpoint) about wearing white so the contrast is sharper, he jots down quick lyrics:
Just for a moment
A heartbeat and change
I thought about it
And then I pulled my hand away
Maybe tomorrow will be better
That's what I thought this morning
But my bruises have bruises
And now I'm not so sure
He plans it all out on Saturday.
0o0
On Sunday, he goes grocery shopping, and he drags Dad with him. (Well, Dad has to go too because Kurt doesn't have a car yet. Next year, Dad promised. For his sixteenth birthday.)
Kurt stocks up on everything and waves away Dad's protests about how they'll never be able to eat all that. He's going to spoil Dad this week.
Dad will find the plan later, and he'll understand then.
0o0
On Monday, Kurt wears a rainbow of slushies and his shoulder aches all day. He keeps his head down, holds in a dozen scathing retorts, and tells himself over and over, Remember the plan.
It will get better.
0o0
Tuesday and Wednesday are both repeats of Monday.
He does all his homework, cleans each room of the house, cooks up a storm of his dad's favorite foods, watches TV with Dad, listens to Dad talk about the garage and sports Kurt couldn't care less about if he tried, and works a shift, discussing cars with Dad and TJ and Rick, men he's known all his life, men who blinked when he touched up his overalls but didn't care.
Thursday, while in French and listening to the teacher mangle his mother's favorite language, one he's spoken since the cradle, Kurt adds to his plan-poem:
A whole world is waiting somewhere far from here
But the sky can't be reached from a dumpster
And my eyes are burning from the cold
So don't tell me you're proud that I'm still standing
When you never offered me a hand
When you walk on by and look away
When you don't notice
You don't notice
I'm bleeding more each day
And I can barely be bothered to staunch the flow
0o0
On Friday, he cuts his last class and goes to his mother's grave. He's there for three hours and tells her everything. He sobs that he's not strong enough, and he can't do it anymore, and four years is too long to be in Hell alone.
He begs her to forgive him for dying so easily when she fought so hard to live. He swears that Dad is strong enough to survive. (He never lets himself think he's wrong.)
0o0
Saturday, Dad has an emergency at the garage and Kurt sits on the floor of Dad's room, smelling Mama's perfume, as he writes the note.
He adds one more part to the plan-poem, and he knows it's not finished, but no one besides him will ever care, anyway.
And this is my swan song
My final dive across the sky
There'll be no more curtains
The show is closin' down
This is me goin' goin' gone
If you hear me at all,
Hear me sayin' goodbye
0o0
On Sunday, Kurt curls up next to Dad on the couch and watches a ten-episode marathon of Deadliest Catch. He doesn't once complain or mutter sarcastic remarks. They order pizza and Kurt says during a commercial, "Dad, I'm gay."
Dad sets down his slice, wipes off his hands, pulls Kurt into a strong hug, and says, "I know. I've known since you were three, and all you wanted were a pair of sensible heels." He leans back enough to look into Kurt's eyes and says, "I love you."
Kurt dives back into the hug.
0o0
On Monday, Kurt tells Puckerman and his jock lackeys exactly what he thinks. He stalks away while they're still figuring out he insulted them. He marches into Figgins' office and informs the man that Mr. Ryerson has been eying him all year, and he's pretty sure Hank Saunders is already being molested. He turns in all his homework early and leaves before first period is even half done.
He already feels better. His plan is working awesomely.
At home, he changes into an all-white ensemble, removes his father's gun from the safe, digs the bullets out of the linen closet, sits down at the kitchen table to clean all the pieces, then puts it together, loads it, and walks downstairs to his room. He leaves the note on his pillow, next to the notebook where his entire plan is laid out.
He takes a deep breath. Another part of the poem pops into his head, so he gently sets down the gun, grabs a pen from his bedside table and adds it, singing it softly as he writes the words.
Tomorrow's so far away
And I'm exhausted now
I can't fight anymore
Too tired for the future
I don't have enough dreams left to last
He closes the notebook, puts it back on his pillow, raises the gun to his temple, and tightens his finger on the trigger.
Nobody except Dad will even notice he's gone. Dad's strong enough to survive this. His life will be better, anyway. Kurt knows he's an annoyance and a burden.
I've known since you were three, and all you wanted were a pair of sensible heels.
I love you.
Kurt has it all planned out. It's the only way.
He drops the gun, curls into a ball, and sobs until his eyes ache.
0o0
On Monday, Kurt puts the bullets back in the linen closet and locks the gun back in the safe. He folds up the note, hides it in the notebook, and buries the notebook beneath the tiaras in his hope chest.
He doesn't let himself think about his plan again until Finn finds the notebook three years later. After he reads it, Finn freaks the fuck out, drags their parents and Blaine and the entirety of New Directions into it, and demands to know what Kurt was doing.
Kurt looks at his father, at his boyfriend, at friends he didn't have then (and it's annoying, and ironic, that Puck looks so angry at the thought of Kurt planning out a suicide).
"I had a bad day," Kurt says, shrugging. "It got better."
None of them need to know how close it was.