Glee: ficlets and poems
Title: Better an ignis fatuus than no ilume at all
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Dickinson
Warnings: spoilers for Rumours; future!fic
Pairings: pre-Sam/Kurt, Blaine/Kurt
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 450
Point of view: third
Prompt: serenity
Dad goes back to his old job over the summer. Mom goes with him, taking Stacey and Stevie, too. Sam returns to his old school, and it’s so much easier than McKinley. Less drama, people he knew pretty well before he left. He joins the Drama Club and doesn’t miss football, and pretends he’s happy in Tennessee.
Kurt is the only one who emails him, keeping him informed about senior year. Sam’s replies are always brief and the jacket he wears the most is the one Kurt gave him. Sometimes he wishes he’d made his move during the duet competition. How much of Kurt’s pain could’ve been avoided if Sam hadn’t been afraid?
Doesn’t matter, he knows. Sam still would’ve had to leave, and this way, Kurt still has a boyfriend. Kurt gushed about that, Blaine staying close till Kurt graduates, too.
Blaine’s better than Sam for Kurt, anyway.
Senior year passes slowly. Sam manages solid Bs in everything and gets into a good college close to home. He expects Kurt’s emails to taper off, but they don’t.
Kurt and Blaine go to NYU, and they have a tiny apartment, and then somehow, Kurt does have a bit part in an off-Broadway show, but then he’s on Broadway as an understudy, and then Kurt calls Sam as he’s leaving his very last final of his first semester at grad-school, and he screams into the phone, “Mitch broke his leg! Actually broke his leg!”
“Kurt?” Sam asks. He can hear Kurt hyperventilating.
Kurt takes a deep breath. “Mitch,” he says. “Fell down the stairs this morning. Broke his leg.” Another deep breath. “I’m his understudy, Sam. Which means I go on tonight. On Broadway.”
“Dude, that’s awesome!” Sam says, wishing he was able to hug Kurt through the phone.
“I’m sending Dad and Carol tickets,” Kurt tells him. “Or rather, I’m holding tickets for them and hoping Dad, at least, can come. Do you-”
“Of course,” Sam interrupts. “I’ll be there tomorrow. If you have any free time, you can show me all those places you’ve gushed about over the years.”
Kurt hasn’t mentioned Blaine in his emails, the past few months. Last thing he’d said had been a fight about one of Blaine’s coworkers flirting, and Blaine flirting back. Sam didn’t ask, and he won’t, but one of his greatest regrets is letting Kurt sing alone their junior year.
He flies to New York, takes a cab to Kurt’s apartment, and won’t wait anymore. Kurt can tell him to back off, and he’ll stay Kurt’s friend, but he hopes-
And Kurt hugs him tight, and kisses him back after the show, and Sam has never felt so optimistic about the future.
-
Title: curtain call
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: suicidal thoughts-let’s say Kurt never transferred
Pairings: none
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 390
Point of view: first
Notes: these are lyrics I wrote that Kurt might sing, should the situation ever get too dire
I thought about it again this morning
Before even taking my head off the pillow
I felt the bottle with my hand
Sharp and cold
Sharp and cold
Like a blade
Like what I want every day
.
Just for a moment
A heartbeat and change
I thought about it
And then I pulled my hand away
Maybe tomorrow will be better
That’s what I thought this morning
But my bruises have bruises
And now I’m not so sure
.
How long canI be strong
Before I’m just too beaten down?
And no one seems to notice
No one seems to care
Just part of the scenery
Life’s just that way
.
And I thought I thought
I was so sure I could do it
Be strong till my star dawns
Keep my head up till I’m outta here
Put this one-horse town in my rear-view
And never look back
Never once look back
.
But now there’s a bottle in my hand
Sharp and cold
Sharp and cold
Like a blade
Like what I want every day
.
And don’t tell me it’ll get better
I already know that
That’s what’s got me this far
But tomorrow’s so far away
And I’m drowning now
I’m tired now
I’m not that strong
.
A whole world is waiting somewhere far from here
But the sky can’t be reached from a dumpster
And my eyes are burning from the cold
So don’t tell me you’re proud that I’m still standing
When you never offered me a hand
When you walk on by and look away
When you don’t notice
You don’t notice
I’m bleeding more each day
And I can barely be bothered to staunch the flow
.
I thought about it again this morning
And at lunch
And with my ears still ringing from the locker
I don’t even want to sing anymore
I’m just so tired
And the bottle the bottle
Sharp and cold
Like a blade
This is the day
.
Tomorrow’s so far away
And I’m exhausted now
I can’t fight anymore
Too tired for the future
I don’t have enough dreams left to last
.
And this is my swan song
My final dive across the sky
There’ll be no more curtains
The show is closin’ down
This is me goin’ goin’ gone
If you hear me at all,
Hear me sayin’ goodbye
-
Title: live while you can the merciful illusion
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from C. Day Lewis
Warnings: AUish; homophobic language; takes place immediately after Never Been Kissed
Pairings: one-sided Karofsky/Kurt, pre-Blaine/Kurt
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 290
Point of view: third
Prompt: yesterday
Dave skips school the day after he-the day after the fag attacks him with his-his faggy lips. He tells Mom a bug is going around school, a twenty-four hour deal. He’ll be fine, just feels like crap.
She’s running late for work, so she tells him to take it easy.
He kissed-no. The fag kissed him. And he didn’t like it. He didn’t. He’s not a fairy. He likes hockey and football, and he’s good at them. He’ll get a sports’ scholarship out of this town and make something of himself. And he hates the fag for threatening all of that with his-soft, warm, so good-faggy lips.
Dave spends the day in bed, bundled in his comforter, convincing himself the world isn’t ending. He doesn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and Dad brings home barbeque for dinner. Dave doesn’t eat that, either.
He dreams about Kurt that night. Dreams about holding hands and lazy kisses, dreams about a love as sure and strong as his parents’. He wakes up happy-and then remembers that Hummel hates him and he hates Hummel, and he isn’t a goddamned fag. He’s not.
He goes to school and doesn’t see the fag until lunch, when he and another fairy-boy ambush him on the stairs.
Looking at them just makes him angrier. He remembers his impossible dream, how Kurt felt.
But he’s not gay. He can’t be. He’s getting out of this town, and then maybe-
Maybe.
But first he’s got to make sure the fag doesn’t tell anyone about the locker room.
And he’s got to ignore the impossible dream, because he and Kurt hate each other. Let Kurt have that preppy bastard-the fancy jerk-off is more Kurt’s type, anyway.
-
Title: Kurt’s Song
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: suicidal thoughts-let’s say Kurt never transferred
Pairings: none
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 440
Point of view: first
Notes: these are lyrics I wrote that Kurt might sing, should the situation ever get too dire
Well, here I am again
Bet you didn’t think I’d do it
Praying on my knees
Blood is so red
They say there’s always God in the trenches
God in a hospital room
But this isn’t a war
And I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m dying
Dying to say goodbye
.
I’ve thought about it before of course
Haven’t we all?
Considered the pros and cons
Made a list, checked ‘em off
Pills are easy
Knives are sharp
Blood is so so red
Hanging would be messy
And it’d be hard to drown myself
I’m not crying
I’m dying
Dying to say goodbye
.
Can’t you hear me?
I’ve said it all before
I’ve screamed it and sung it
And been ignored
But I’m trying
I’m trying so hard
I had a breakthrough last night
In-between the breakdowns
It’s times like that I wish I prayed
Wish I believed
I’m not crying
I’m dying
Dying to say goodbye
.
I had a breakthrough
In-between breakdowns
On the far side of dawn
Nothing I haven’t thought before
Nothing I haven’t pondered
When my skin is bruised and my heart sore
Would you regret it?
I’m starting to think I won’t
Because I’m tired
I’m not crying
I’m dying
Dying to say goodbye
.
I’ve held my head high
I’ve never compromised
I’ve been determined and I’ve been proud
Determined to escape
To stand strong and see the other side
Things would never end here
I had a plan and a dream
But it won’t happen now and it won’t come true
I’m not crying
Not a tear on my face
I’m not crying
I’m dying
Dying to say goodbye
.
Do you know my name?
Will you call me,
Wonder when I don’t pick up?
This was never my plan
But it seems like maybe
It’s time for me to go
I’m so tired
I’ve made a list of pros and cons
I’ve checked ‘em off
And the pros are winning
And this is my first prayer
I’m not crying
I’m not
I’m sorry Dad
You’re the one thing I regret
I’m dying to say goodbye
.
Don’t tell me you never heard
Don’t tell me this’ll be ignored
My last request
Fitting end to the life I lived
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
This is my time
My choice my chance
My goodbye
I’m dying to say goodbye
.
I’ve lived so loudly
I’ll die quietly
Not much fuss, one final song
My last request is that you listen
Listen like you never did before
Don’t cry for me ‘cause I’m not crying
I’m just dying
Dying to say goodbye
-
Title: stab the bird-could you catch her last refrain?
Fandom: Glee
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Dickinson
Warnings: AU before prom; somewhat sad
Pairings: could’ve been Puck/Kurt; Blaine/Kurt
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 575
Point of view: third
Prompt: clue
Kurt vanishes between lunch and math. He ate with Aretha, and Wheels was in that class, but it’s not until glee practice after school that anyone really starts to worry, because that’s when he doesn’t answer his phone. Finn calls Hobbit, but he hasn’t heard from Kurt, either.
Karofsky is still the weight room, so Puck drags Evans and Finn to confront him.
Karofsky’s confusion seems genuine, but Puck’s finally off probation, so he breaks Karofsky’s face, anyway. He only feels slightly better and Kurt’s still gone.
That night, Finn lets everyone know Kurt doesn’t make it home. At one in the morning, Mr. Hummel goes to the police.
0o0
Weeks pass with no progress. Kurt’s just gone and no one can figure where or why. No hints of foul play leave the cops sure he ran away. Anybody who’s ever met him, though, knows Kurt wouldn’t have left his frou-frou clothes behind, much less his dad.
His SUV is found three towns over, his wallet and phone and dried blood inside it. He’s been gone for almost two months. The police don’t think he ran away anymore.
0o0
School ends and there’s still no explanation for Kurt walking himself out the door and driving away and disappearing. Most everyone has given up. The hobbit doesn’t call for updates anymore. Aretha talks in past tense.
Puck convinced Wheels to hack into the cops for him, and Wheels didn’t even complain about living up to stereotypes. So now Puck has copies of almost everything the cops know, which is jack-shit about anything. No leads, no theories, no suspects, nofuckingthing. A single detective has the case, and no headway has been made since they found his ride.
Puck refuses to believe this is how Kurt’s story ends. He was supposed to make it out of Lima. To become famous, to have the whole world clamoring for his attention. Him and Rachel, they were going places. But Rachel barely sings anymore. Hardly any of them do. Not since Nationals, when Kurt’s absence was so fucking painfully obvious, and it broke all their hearts. At least when he was at Dalton, they all knew where he was, and he answered the phone, and sent back sappy texts because he was so in love and safe. He was safe at Dalton. They wouldn’t have let him vanish from Dalton.
Fuck.
0o0
Senior year starts. Puck breaks the slushy machine. Nobody bothers to fix it. Most of the bullies graduated, and Karofsky hasn’t done anything since Kurt came back from Dalton.
The Glee Club is still together, but they only meet to talk about Kurt.
It’s been seven months. Even Puck and Finn talk in past tense now.
0o0
When they have the assembly in his honor, Rachel sings “If I Die Young,” her first attempt since Nationals. She cries the whole time. She’s never sounded better.
0o0
They graduate and all stay in Ohio for college, or whatever. All their plans seem to have dried up. Kurt’s been gone for almost as long as most of them actually knew him.
Finn says that Mr. Hummel watches home videos every night. Finn invites them over. Even Santana goes.
A weekly thing becomes monthly, and slowly everyone moves on.
Kurt is gone, and he’s forever seventeen, the kid who sang like an angel and had a bitchy comment for every situation, who held his head high and refused to be beaten.
Puck misses him, so fucking much.