Look Away - SN fic - PG13
Title: Look Away
Fandom: “Supernatural”
Disclaimer: not my characters; just for fun.
Warnings: SPOILERS for “What Is And What Should Never Be”
Pairings: Dean/Carmen, Sam/Jessica, implied Dean/Sam
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 500
Point of view: third
He still dreams of it… that life with Carmen and Mama, that life of normalcy and happiness, that life without Sam. He can still taste Carmen on his lips, feel Mama in his arms. He can see how Sam and Jessica looked, standing together, so free in their dreams. He can taste Mama’s cooking, just the shadow of a memory in waking hours. He smells Mama’s hair, the scent of roses.
And he feels that knife in his chest, tastes blood in his mouth, hears Sam’s panicked shouts.
He doesn’t want to wake. Doesn’t want to return to reality, danger and blood, fire and guns. Sam’s destiny, Dad’s death, Mama gone in flames. Sam without Jessica, hunters after them, FBI on their tail, no way out.
He doesn’t want Mama dead again, even if the price is hundreds of lives, of Dad gone in his sleep(and that’s such a better ending than Dean could ever have expected).
Carmen is so soft in his embrace, so warm and real. Lasting. He could hold her forever(and he won’t think about what it means that she looks like Sammy. Just like he’s never thought about Jessica looking so much like him).
Carmen is everything he’s ever wanted. She’s beautiful and funny and kind, and he understands her, even though he doesn’t know her-and she knows him, this him, the him that works in a garage and never visits his mother and doesn’t speak with the brother he’d die for.
He still dreams of it, that life he’s never had, never admitted he’s longed for, a life of white picket fences and apple pie, a loving woman and steady job, a safe home and a hometown-
A life lived without knowing what’s really out there, a life full of lies.
But Mama feels so good… Carmen is so sweet… Sammy so happy, in California with Jess…
(Not real, not real, not real… you’re being drained, you’re dying, open your eyes, it’s not real…)
It’s so easy to sink into, to stop fighting, to forget about everyone who’s dead because he’s normal, to ignore the things he knows.
He visits Mama every day, works with Mike at the garage, lives with Carmen. Doesn’t call Sam except once a week, tries to become the brother Sam wants. Goes to Dad’s grave daily and tells him about every hunt he’s looked past.
(Wake up, wake up, wake up, open your eyes, you’re dying…)
He wants it to be real so badly… wants Sam to have all that, wants Mama to have her life, wants to hold Carmen-but it’s not real and he’s dying.
(Not real, not real, you’re alone…)
The knife burns, Sam’s eyes hurt him, Mama touches his face and her hand is icy. Carmen kisses him, Mama’s alive, Daddy’s buried in a graveyard instead of floating to the sky.
(It’s not right, it’s not right, wake up, wake up, it’s not real, open your eyes before you die…)
(Open your eyes, you're dying...)