tem·pes·tu·ous
I can't even begin to imagine
What it would have been like
To be worthy of a Cinderella story
Swept out of the poverty
And into the abundance
No need to work
No need to push
No need to try
So
Damn
Hard
All the time
In the world
To work on nothing
Besides that which makes me ...
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Often I find myself wishing I would have never gotten fat. I know it seems vain to focus on, yet it was with fatness that I lost confidence, and what I wouldn't give to have confidence.
I have been drilling down inside of me - straight into the quick of my marrow. I can see all these things I gave up on in an attempt to be normal - just like 99% of the rest of the damned world. I don't know how else to say it other than "normal." Just because normal doesn't make me happy, does not make normal something that cannot bring happiness. It also doesn't make normal a dirty word; something bad to be.
Crazy isn't exactly all fun and games. It's rather tough to live so close to losing it all ... at any moment.
Anyway, there I go trying to explain myself so that I don't seem like an asshole.
I am an asshole though.
At least that is how I have been feeling lately and, it seems, how others have seen me lately (aka - over the past few years).
So I am just going to go with it. I am an asshole. Or a snob. Whichever comes easier.
I am done trying to figure out why and what to change. No more change. I am an asshole. I am a snob. Love me anyway ... or not.
Anyway ... that tangent derailed me ... back to the bleeding quick of life.
tem·pes·tu·ous
It is at the core of being that the child lays. Put to bed, to find an endless sleep, by the constant drive to grow up, and grow up I did.
To truly enjoy life, to truly get the most out of it, you can never put the child to bed. You just can't. She has got to get up with you every morning, look in the mirror at the old which you have become, and make you laugh at it.
She has got to ride to work with you, sit in your grey cube, and give you the courage to dream of what it will take to get out of there. She should laugh at the ridiculousness of it all - for, and with you. She should inspire you to try all the new things you can, because one of them may be the best thing you have ever done.
In the end, it is she that will be there holding your hand, while all that is in this life fades away ... as it always does; in everything, in every way.
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She's putting herself fully into her own care.
It is a revolutionary step for her. Far too long, she'd been separated from her own body, heart and soul wisdom. She'd lived on borrowed intelligence, alienated from her original longing. Her many journeys underground has helped her separate her genuine voice from the counterfeit one. She's not willing to live a soul sapping life anymore. She's stepping out of the only life she'd known.
She's putting her trust and vote in her deepest truth. She cannot yet pinpoint her longing. It's still shaky for her. All she knows is the feeling of rightness in her bones.She's not sure where she's leading herself in her outside world. It does not make complete sense yet. She only knows that every decision is taking her closer to her centre. She's walking through each of her fears of survival ~ her heart melting, her eyes limpid pools of vulnerability.
She can feel her spirit igniting, and she's willingly sacrificing herself in the fire of her longing.
She's going back to innocence.
by:
~Sukhvinder Sircar
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Click to viewAll the signs, all the time spent deep inside the spiral, just to awaken ... me.
The Tempest. The Tigress. The Queen and even The King.
How could I not see, feel, hear, and be?
Why did I rage against it for so long?
A fear of losing it all, when it is always on it's way out to sea.
Salty tears, the sand between my toes, a sea full of possibilities - washing in on me, washing out from me.
Opportunity, comes while dipping my hands deep into the wet moist sand, and letting it all slip through my fingertips.
How often have I let go?
Unknown.
We all came here to get hurt though. Get hurt or die trying.
What is life without experience?
What is experience without pain?
What is pain without love?
It is the desperation in a Orangutans eyes, caged at the zoo, all the humans staring at you. On display. Pain without love is to be on display. Trapped. No other option but to crawl out, day after day, into what little space of comfort you are granted. Crawl out and try to ignore their stares, their expectations, their judgments, their laughter at your expense.
Only there is no expense, it is all for free. The only cost is of your self. Not something others can see.
I mean, sure, they can look in your eyes, they can watch you cower away, the cost is physically written all over you - the difference is they love, they care, they are allowed ... allowed to what though?
Allowed whatever pain you grant their kind of love.
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I have been writing this for a few weeks now, on and off, just coming back to it and adding, yet my Grandmother passed away and with that I have so much more I want to write about. So, this is it, as far as this rambling is concerned. I have a obituary, eulogy, and remembrance video to create. For someone that knew and gave love in a manner others can only dream exists.
So much changes in the blink of an eye.
I am done mourning the loss of what was important in my life.
I am sure I still have more to write about in this regard as I continue to process on.
Yet, as I pick myself up, I got my combat boots on, passport in my hand, a bag packed, so I can run ...
Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like a painted mare, across the plains, straight into the sunset of all I have ever dreamed - maybe I am alone now, maybe I was once loved greatly, maybe that is all I will ever know of belonging, maybe I will regret every pounding hoof beat that takes me away, maybe all I have dreamed is nothing but a nightmare ...
Whatever may be, I am in charge.
Not others opinions of me.
Not others expectations of me.
Not others ...
Just me.
Alone.
As I came into this world.
As I learned to experience this world.
As I have been taught by this world.
It is to be.
It is.
It has always been.
Disappeared.
I am disappeared.
As is everything ... always.
~TigressSky~