break the molds
Anxiety. To say that my Beltane post describes something new for me would be a farce. Truth is I have just had the ability to logic it all away and bury it deep for so long that it was very well controlled. In fact, I didn't even recognize I was controlling anything until the moment when I could no longer block it. In those first moments with it holding me down, well, it seemed like a very strange new thing I was suffering from.
It took a new man, a few very patient friends, my dead mother, and the Godfather to lift it off of me. They took my hands and lead me down a path, which wound deep inside of me, a path which I had stopped treading on so very long ago. A path of crazy I was born with and, quite literally, in order to survive, had blocked off and moved far away from - for a long, long, long time.
I know what I wrote in my Beltane post focused on a very specific anxiety trigger, but the truth is, the whole god damn world is a trigger for me. Yet, by walking along this hidden path again, I have started to find all this beauty. Beauty that I do not know I ever could have realized existed without a journey that seemed so far away, yet really was only a return trip back to me.
As the quote in the above image states, I truly feel like I have begun stripping away the facadè I had created as me. Although, honestly, I had no idea this facadè was not me -- or that a facadè even existed.
Facadè is not really the right word, but that is the easiest way I can think of to describe it at the moment.
Anyway ... the point?
For so long now I have felt like the further away from the hidden path I went, the more me I was becoming. Now I realize that the farther away from the hidden path I was getting, the more I was fitting into the conforming molds society and relationships had to offer me.
The moment we are born, we are placed into a mold. A mold of family, class, religion, sex, race, and so many other societal expectations, that the list can go on an on and on.
While beings shoved into our molds, we learn to push away from the humanity and curiosity of the child quickly. Especially as those around us boom approval or disapproval of every action, reaction, and choice we make.
To survive we figure out what of these expectations is right, and what of them is wrong and then we figure out how to conform. Each of those molds we are born into can have a larger effect on helping us to make the decisions in how we will conform. Hence why we have so much racism, sexism, bigotry, religious intolerance, etc., etc. All of this is topped off with literal hatred and fear of those things outside of the molds we come to associate ourselves so closely with.
In fact, we spend so much of our lives conforming with these molds, that even the most logical of evidence against them doesn't sway our opinions away from them. We have become them, and it is an affront to who we are that anything be wrong with the molds we have chosen.
That is the point though ... it is all choice.
Recognizing the fact of choice, (which I believe more do than will admit it), means recognizing how often in life you are completely wrong about the molds you conform to, and sometimes quite literally about everything. That is why so many, even if they understand the fact of choice, continue on their journey remaining loyal to the molds that make them. If they didn't, they could lose everything and everyone they have come to know and love.
Seriously, think about some of the ways others see you, as a mother, as a lover, as a friend, as a coworker, as a family member, etc., etc. These are all molds that you fit into. Think about how you feel about those molds, sometimes you appreciate them, sometimes you can't stand them, yet still, here you are - molded.
Now think about breaking free form the expectation of those molds. Could you walk away from the mold of mother/father? What would that mean? Would the freedom be worth it? Why or why not? How about breaking free of the other molds of friend, family member, or coworker ... what would that all mean?
I can tell you, from personal experience, breaking free of the mold you have been formed with can be devastating and create much loss. Hence my propensity in life towards research and analysis. Especially when wagering whether to break a mold or not, as it is a very scary prospect.
Some people do it with emotional outbursts and burn bridges. Some people never do it at all. I am one of those who like to understand my choices, make them with rationality and logic, and have a clear idea of what it is I am trying to break free from and where it is I may go once that happens.
The where it is I may go is always the hardest part. Looking at the possible negative outcomes and deciding if my "being" is ready to handle them, if they do happen to rear their heads while I am breaking free that is.
Maybe that is anxiety; possibly?
Take the example of my Beltane anxiety post. In it I didn't want to lose all that I have with the community I have become so entrenched, enchanted, and in love with. Yet I didn't want to feel like sex was the most important aspect of me, or the reason people got together with me either. (Yes, this is oversimplification of the Beltane post but it is just being used as an example so go with it.) The mold I had fitted myself with, be it by my own hand or with help, was not what I wanted to wear anymore.
Sad thing is, it took struggling to not lose community, trying to control everything, and do everything right, and be everything for everybody that I could, so I wouldn't lose all I had gained, for me to lose all I had gained.
All of this working to not lose everything happened while I made that one change in regards to sexuality. Maybe it was all coincidence. All I know is I made that change slowly at first, yet by the time I had made it very visibly and fully, well, I had lost what I had gained and was filled with anxiety.
It is hard not knowing where you belong, how you belong, and always feeling like everything you do or say is wrong. That is what breaking a mold can do to a person - among a vast many other things.
More importantly though breaking free of molds can set your heart ablaze with hope, love, and amazement! It can bring people into your life whom you may have never experienced else-wise. It can bring deep friendship along with laughter and music and more and more love - especially the most important kind of love; love of self.
Oh and the benefits of love of self! Many things I have dreamed of, as well as things that use to make me ecstatic as a child, now surround me. I have an asshole dog, a small farm with chickens and a garden, two fat cats, inspiration to write all the time, and I can make all sorts of fun things in my very own kitchen!
All of these are things that kept me feeling happy and alive, and that something was worth living for when I was a child. All these are things that make me feel happy and alive, like something is worth living for, now.
So in the end, breaking molds typically turns out well. It is the struggle one goes through, especially internally, that is the real cause of heartache and not the decision to break free from the mold itself.
Sometimes you will choose to stay within the confines of a particular mold and that is okay too. It is not like you have to break all the molds to be happy. Yet you shouldn't stagnate in a mold just for convenience either. If something makes you question that mold, follow the trail it leaves, and make the choice to change it - it may be hard, but in the end, at least in my experiences, it is always for the better.
~TigressSky~
While re-reading this post this song came on and it just fits...
Click to view