Figuring Shit Out
Click to viewMy last private post was in regards to the anxiety I feel before festival, especially before Beltane. Within it I convinced myself the anxiety would not be there this time, things would be different. It was there and things were not different. Although, then suddenly, they were.
On Friday afternoon I arrived. It was nice to see everyone even though the rain was a deluge and the people I am closest too were not around. I hung out, and had a great time chatting with everyone though. Then the dark came.
In this dark I was able to finally identify my biggest anxiety at festival: saying no.
As the night came on and a bit more nudity came out I began to feel overwhelmed by being put into a situation where I would have to say no.
At that point, the worry quickens, because so many of my close friends already know the answer is always going to be no, but they still persist. I then worry about having to be more forceful with my no, and I worry what people will think if I have to be loudly and rudely forceful with my no to be heard and ensure the unwanted attention stops.
Then I wonder, if it goes that far, will my close friends be mad, maybe even be mean? Or, even something less confrontational, will they tease me?
Then I worry if the community witnessing it will think I am a rude prude? Will people never flirt or joke with me anymore because of what may be seen as my over reaction? If my friends are mad at me because of my forceful no, will they simply stop talking to me? Will the small teasing they do at times now turn merciless?
In the end it all leads to, "will I belong anymore?" "Will I be loved anymore?"
I try and keep these thoughts at bay but they are always there. It makes it hard for me to want to spend time with some of my friends who seem to push and cross boundaries more often. I do though because this is my issue and I have to get over it.
I have tried at least a few times to say how I feel to my friends. That I need to not be pushed or have boundaries crossed, but it seems to lead back every time to being told "I am fully responsible for saying no in the moment." Even though ahead of time, several times, I have said "I don't want to be in the moment" because I know it is hard for me to say no.
All of this goes on inside my head at every festival as it gets dark. I have tried staying sober and focusing my attention on the fact that I have the power and it will be easier to say no sober. That doesn't help though.
I have tried being wasted and ignoring the thoughts in my head convincing myself it will actually be easier to say no wasted. That doesn't help though.
So I leave the fire and go to bed, where it is safe, and I will not be confronted with any possibility of fucking everything up that I have and love in my life by saying, "no."
All of this is hard on my end because I am glad my friends are so happy being naked and sexy together. I have not become some hypocrite who doesn't understand and thinks the sexiness that is going on is bad. Sometimes I feel like people think I think that way. I think people may feel a bit judged that I changed this part of me and they may even go so far as to think I look down upon it now.
I don't though. I just don't want to be that way anymore. I don't mind being flirty, and joking. I don't mind hugs, and small cuddles. I don't mind people's naked bodies and honestly I wish I felt comfortable enough to be naked around the fire again too.
I wish I felt free at festival again. I wish I could be the new me - who has only stopped being a slut; nothing else has changed. And no, I do not think being a slut is a bad thing. I think being a slut, especially in a way that you are treated like a Goddess, is an empowering fucking thing.
I am currently finding empowerment in so many other areas of my life right now though. Empowerment I need and may have needed since I was a child.
Deciding to be celibate really gave me some powers I didn't know I had. Finding Floodplain, (to be pun-ey), covered me in this safe watery place I can learn. Learn like a child again.
I am seeing the world with fresh eyes. I am finding hope again. I am finding comfort in where I am. Most of all I am finding comfort in being myself again.
Except when there is anxiety.
There are a few situations in my life where I still hold anxiety, but, it is getting better.
This Friday, at festival, I returned to the fire, with friends who heard me tell them my anxiety and let me know I didn't have to stay if I didn't want to.
Suddenly everyone was hugging me around the fire. Telling me they love me. Some even letting me know they have anxiety too - some even have it for the exact same reasons! Others told me that they love me and just want whatever Tig love I am allowing myself to give; no more. I relaxed and stayed down at the fire for a long time after this attention. It was fun and I finally truly knew what it was that was giving me so much anxiety.
What I learned at this festival, sitting in that tent connecting with the women who participated in the full gamete of Women's Mysteries (and there were a LOT of fun ones this year), is that if I can fuck everything up by saying no, then I don't want to belong here anyway.
I still am scared to say no.
I still have anxiety.
I still do not feel free at festival.
Yet I know what it is I need to learn now. I know what it is I need to do. I just have to find the strength to do it. I have to find the strength to not fear what I may lose and at the same time prepare to lose.
The chant we learned during Women's Mysteries will not leave me alone ...
My body is a living temple of love
My body is a living temple of love
My body is the body of the Goddess
My body is the body of the Horned One
Oh-Oh-Oh I am what I am
Oh-Oh-Oh I am what I am
You can hear it being chanted here.
~TigressSky~