Alone #5
Quick Update before I go into my rambling; Pants went in for surgery last Tuesday only to find out she can't really have surgery. Apparently she is just suffering from a severe infection of her salivary glands which means another 3 full weeks of strong as hell antibiotics and anti-inflammatories. Surgery on a salivary gland is a lot of work and can be dangerous. The doc did aspirate her and do some minor exploratory surgery checking everything carefully and there is definitely nothing lodged in her throat just infection. So I guess we lucked out there. In the week that has passed her neck seems perfectly normal again. I am hopeful when the medication stops, her neck stays the same. We shall see.
Alone. I want to add the word again to that statement but, in truth, the correct addition is always.
It's how we start, it's how we end, it is the void in between. The void in which we are born and all our time is spent trying to fill the emptiness - people, places, things; the nouns we surround ourselves with. Often fooling ourselves into believing we have succeeded, always painfully aware there is no succeeding, no escaping; just lies that fill our inbetween.
Something strange is happening for me. Being ejected from the spotlight and told it is all my fault has torn me open in a much unexpected way.
For one, I have truly forgiven my mother ... there should be a long pause here, I wish I could put into words what all that means, but I myself still struggle to understand fully.
As well I struggle to forgive myself ... but that is another topic altogether. I am sure I may write about it, but who knows if I will share. I've stopped sharing much, it just gets used against me, makes me feel bad about who I am. Settling me deeper, ever deeper, into the void. Were I am lost wasting time trying to escape the alone again. The void, where so many sit grasping, practically begging, for connection to all the nouns one can surround them self with. The void where I find I am doing nothing more than lying to myself that if I can just be more, do more, prove more ... but ... there is no more.
So I just stop sharing and instead embrace.
Sitting closer to alone, holding it knowingly. Eventually Alone will be the dark cold arms in which we all lay our souls. Spending so much time running from it ... HA! what a joke.
In the end, if you cannot be happy with Alone, you will never be happy nor truly appreciate the nouns of which you naturally become surrounded. Don't spend your time in need of someone or something - instead spend it appreciating someone or something.
That is love.
That is a true connection with all you are and can become.
In intoxication I decorated my Christmas tree last night. Out of the literal hundreds of ornaments my mother and I had packed around our entire lives only three remain with me. The loss to me, of which is unexplainable, stings venomously every year and has done so for the past 15 years. One would expect it to get better, but there are some fantasies a child without a childhood cling to more desperately than others. I still believe in Santa.
A comedy dealing with loss knowingly provided the soundtrack for the evening. I pulled out the ornaments coated beautifully in the loss they have come to represent and yet, in the same coin toss, shining magnificently bright with all the happiness they held. Three of them come attached to a dead mother, all the rest come attached to a lost son, the yin-yang of yule. The return of the king. The death of a another. The end. The beginning ... of tears crawling out of the abyss I had lost them in. My lover embracing me.
Alone. Always.
I know those whom whisper darkly about me, the ways I fail - fail you, fail life, fail myself. Judgment ... just another way in which we can try to free ourselves from the Alone. The Alone is always, all ways, and All. It is that which we try and separate from life; grasping at nouns, shouting out abusive verbs, hiding behind the adjectives of a smile.
I love even as those dark words sneak their way to me and try and make me hate.
I love because I know. The darkness has always been and it cannot be used against me. 70% of the known Universe is darkness and from it springs the light and to it the light returns.
Stop trying to escape the alone and start embracing it -- recognize we are all saying, yelling, screaming at the top of our lungs the exact same thing, "Love me!"
Love me before the darkness calls me home.
~TigressSky~
Alone. I want to add the word again to that statement but, in truth, the correct addition is always.
It's how we start, it's how we end, it is the void in between. The void in which we are born and all our time is spent trying to fill the emptiness - people, places, things; the nouns we surround ourselves with. Often fooling ourselves into believing we have succeeded, always painfully aware there is no succeeding, no escaping; just lies that fill our inbetween.
Something strange is happening for me. Being ejected from the spotlight and told it is all my fault has torn me open in a much unexpected way.
For one, I have truly forgiven my mother ... there should be a long pause here, I wish I could put into words what all that means, but I myself still struggle to understand fully.
As well I struggle to forgive myself ... but that is another topic altogether. I am sure I may write about it, but who knows if I will share. I've stopped sharing much, it just gets used against me, makes me feel bad about who I am. Settling me deeper, ever deeper, into the void. Were I am lost wasting time trying to escape the alone again. The void, where so many sit grasping, practically begging, for connection to all the nouns one can surround them self with. The void where I find I am doing nothing more than lying to myself that if I can just be more, do more, prove more ... but ... there is no more.
So I just stop sharing and instead embrace.
Sitting closer to alone, holding it knowingly. Eventually Alone will be the dark cold arms in which we all lay our souls. Spending so much time running from it ... HA! what a joke.
In the end, if you cannot be happy with Alone, you will never be happy nor truly appreciate the nouns of which you naturally become surrounded. Don't spend your time in need of someone or something - instead spend it appreciating someone or something.
That is love.
That is a true connection with all you are and can become.
In intoxication I decorated my Christmas tree last night. Out of the literal hundreds of ornaments my mother and I had packed around our entire lives only three remain with me. The loss to me, of which is unexplainable, stings venomously every year and has done so for the past 15 years. One would expect it to get better, but there are some fantasies a child without a childhood cling to more desperately than others. I still believe in Santa.
A comedy dealing with loss knowingly provided the soundtrack for the evening. I pulled out the ornaments coated beautifully in the loss they have come to represent and yet, in the same coin toss, shining magnificently bright with all the happiness they held. Three of them come attached to a dead mother, all the rest come attached to a lost son, the yin-yang of yule. The return of the king. The death of a another. The end. The beginning ... of tears crawling out of the abyss I had lost them in. My lover embracing me.
Alone. Always.
I know those whom whisper darkly about me, the ways I fail - fail you, fail life, fail myself. Judgment ... just another way in which we can try to free ourselves from the Alone. The Alone is always, all ways, and All. It is that which we try and separate from life; grasping at nouns, shouting out abusive verbs, hiding behind the adjectives of a smile.
I love even as those dark words sneak their way to me and try and make me hate.
I love because I know. The darkness has always been and it cannot be used against me. 70% of the known Universe is darkness and from it springs the light and to it the light returns.
Stop trying to escape the alone and start embracing it -- recognize we are all saying, yelling, screaming at the top of our lungs the exact same thing, "Love me!"
Love me before the darkness calls me home.
~TigressSky~
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