On negativity and being broke.
Money. Oh how I loathe the noose you hang so tightly about my neck. The precarious tightrope upon which I balance, making any slip that much more of an assurance that you will strangle me and I will fail. No, I refuse to let you be my ruler, yet you still squeeze tightly into the cracks of every aspect of my life. As much as I refuse to let you dictate my life, I hear your screaming taunts loud and clear with every decision I make.
My life is a catch-22 circle. I'm hoping some day to open the circle and change it into an infinity loop. A loop were I can move away from all the catch-22's and continue, with a strength the Universe never expected. An ability to continually bend the world to me and not the latter, which most are willing to settle for.
No, I will not settle for photosynthesis!
This constant struggle with money leaves me in sketch situations. I make decisions to not attend events were gifts should be given. Even when it is stated that gifts are not expected. I make less plans to do and/or attend things with my friends. Even when it will only cost $10 to get in and I can drink water all night. No more simple coffee breaks with friends. No more quick dinners out. No more dancing all night or quick lunches.
Honestly, I cannot wait for the sunshine to come and welcome me out into a world of adventure without cost.
Oh Apollo, come hold me soon and bring back my smile.
Apollo from BSG - YuM!
A friend of mine passed away a couple days ago. His funeral reception is on the 10th. I go to celebrate a life I barely knew, yet I know I touched deeply; once.
Death is a constant theme in my life. I obsess with planning my "wake" in the same way a bride obsesses over her wedding day. Maybe I am Peresphone personified, (try saying that ten times fast!), waiting, somewhat impatiently, to return to a world that actually puts love first. I found another song that just describes, to a tee, the message I want my friends and family to hear and understand from me when I am gone.
Yes, after I am gone I hope you all dance and sing, "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!"
While I am here however, it would be nice to find less negativity and anger. I know it is a high expectation and maybe I need to change myself and not wait for a change in others. Yet it is hard, because a few people I am close to have become so angry and negative all the time. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with them like I use to. And making the change that keeps me away hurts them as well.
I don't know how to help either. It is hard to want to try, when everything I say in passing when we are together is met with a quick dismissal and need to prove that they know better than I. Or that I am just not as free and fluid as they are.
It hurts to sit in public and have things I say ridiculed, whispered about, and laughed at right beside me. Maybe I am naive in my hopes for love and connection between all, but I like that part of me and, quite simply, I am not willing to give it a backseat in my life. I realize it is probably a stupid ideal to hold hope for and that people are going to talk about it, but please, talk about it behind my back. Where that knife belongs.
Friends being negative to me is one thing. Yet when they have moved to a state of constant negativity and lack of support between each other. That is even harder to deal with. I hate sitting in situations where two people I love can't stop bickering to a point where one of them walks about constantly dejected and failed. It hurts too much. I want to hold them both and I want to hide at the same time. None of it is my place. There is nothing I can do.
Maybe that is the point I need to get, I can't affect change and I have to accept negativity in the love I am given, seeing and receiving. I recognize you can only change yourself and that you must find our way in situations. Yet it is so hard to not want to solve whatever the issue is when you care so much.
*sigh* What can I do to ensure I am being true and myself in these situations? That is all I can be responsible for. Nothing more.
I'll figure it out and things will get better.
Or they won't.
Don't get me wrong I love my friends. Dearly. They are my world regardless. I love my friends and would do anything for them!
Like change up some lyrics to a song all about friends, and sing it with them, drunk, around a bonfire in the woods, connected and in love with the life I have been granted; while dreaming about the party they will throw upon my death!
...because we are definitely going to hell, but we will have ALL the best stories to tell!
~TigressSky~
My life is a catch-22 circle. I'm hoping some day to open the circle and change it into an infinity loop. A loop were I can move away from all the catch-22's and continue, with a strength the Universe never expected. An ability to continually bend the world to me and not the latter, which most are willing to settle for.
No, I will not settle for photosynthesis!
Click to viewThis constant struggle with money leaves me in sketch situations. I make decisions to not attend events were gifts should be given. Even when it is stated that gifts are not expected. I make less plans to do and/or attend things with my friends. Even when it will only cost $10 to get in and I can drink water all night. No more simple coffee breaks with friends. No more quick dinners out. No more dancing all night or quick lunches.
Honestly, I cannot wait for the sunshine to come and welcome me out into a world of adventure without cost.
Oh Apollo, come hold me soon and bring back my smile.
Apollo from BSG - YuM!
A friend of mine passed away a couple days ago. His funeral reception is on the 10th. I go to celebrate a life I barely knew, yet I know I touched deeply; once.
Death is a constant theme in my life. I obsess with planning my "wake" in the same way a bride obsesses over her wedding day. Maybe I am Peresphone personified, (try saying that ten times fast!), waiting, somewhat impatiently, to return to a world that actually puts love first. I found another song that just describes, to a tee, the message I want my friends and family to hear and understand from me when I am gone.
Yes, after I am gone I hope you all dance and sing, "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!"
While I am here however, it would be nice to find less negativity and anger. I know it is a high expectation and maybe I need to change myself and not wait for a change in others. Yet it is hard, because a few people I am close to have become so angry and negative all the time. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with them like I use to. And making the change that keeps me away hurts them as well.
I don't know how to help either. It is hard to want to try, when everything I say in passing when we are together is met with a quick dismissal and need to prove that they know better than I. Or that I am just not as free and fluid as they are.
It hurts to sit in public and have things I say ridiculed, whispered about, and laughed at right beside me. Maybe I am naive in my hopes for love and connection between all, but I like that part of me and, quite simply, I am not willing to give it a backseat in my life. I realize it is probably a stupid ideal to hold hope for and that people are going to talk about it, but please, talk about it behind my back. Where that knife belongs.
Friends being negative to me is one thing. Yet when they have moved to a state of constant negativity and lack of support between each other. That is even harder to deal with. I hate sitting in situations where two people I love can't stop bickering to a point where one of them walks about constantly dejected and failed. It hurts too much. I want to hold them both and I want to hide at the same time. None of it is my place. There is nothing I can do.
Maybe that is the point I need to get, I can't affect change and I have to accept negativity in the love I am given, seeing and receiving. I recognize you can only change yourself and that you must find our way in situations. Yet it is so hard to not want to solve whatever the issue is when you care so much.
*sigh* What can I do to ensure I am being true and myself in these situations? That is all I can be responsible for. Nothing more.
I'll figure it out and things will get better.
Or they won't.
Don't get me wrong I love my friends. Dearly. They are my world regardless. I love my friends and would do anything for them!
Like change up some lyrics to a song all about friends, and sing it with them, drunk, around a bonfire in the woods, connected and in love with the life I have been granted; while dreaming about the party they will throw upon my death!
...because we are definitely going to hell, but we will have ALL the best stories to tell!
~TigressSky~