What is wrong with my head?!?
I am such a spoiled stupid brat. My thoughts are all over and I'll try to type them down but this will probably be one very bouncey post. Not bouncey in a happy way. Bouncey in a I can't get my brain straight way.
Feeling left out is never a nice feeling. It makes you feel more alone then you really are. It can make you feel like you're not important in any which way at all. It can make you feel worthless. That's a bit of how I feel right now. Like I can't be good enough at things. I know why but I can't help feeling that way. Raphael has a good friend and he and him talk a lot. Granted, once upon a time, this friend used Raphael to cheat on his current bf. But I know Raphael loves me and cares about me and him and Danny are just good friends now. It doesn't change something I read today. Raphael made some little notations in his journal on the Topeka DDR webpage. Just saying why certain people are so great to him. He wrote a whole paragraph about Danny. He wrote a sentence about me. And it wasn't even about me. He just commented on a comment I made. That was it. I might be selfish and a brat but....am I wrong to be sad that he barely writes about me? I don't even know if I should mention it to him. I don't want him to feel like he has to write about me but.....he gave out props to everyone but me. Maybe I didn't make his day good. Maybe I'm just not good enough to make his day special. Maybe I think too much. But honestly I feel completely left out. And he made mentions that he feels like he can talk with all these other people. Does he feel like he can't talk to me? Am I that bad of a listener? I just feel left out but I don't know how to tell him. I feel like after any of the group outings, he always mentions how great it was that all the other people were there and how great it is he can talk with them on things and how great they are. Is it bad that I just want to be mentioned in there somewhere? More than likely, it isn't on purpose at all. More than likely, it's because he doesn't want to get too mushy but....everyone else got mushy. Oh yeah...I was also last in the list (if you don't count him just adding in Pyramidhead to be funny). I know in my heart, he didn't mean anything by it but I can't help feeling left out. I don't even get why I'm crying. Maybe it's because the more I read about him and his friends, the more I read about other people and their friends, the more I read about them getting groups of people together and hanging out, the more I read about everyone else, I feel more and more alone. It's why I don't really read other people's Xanga's regularly anymore. I feel left out. I have friends...they just aren't here. Hell right now, Raphael isn't here. I barely get to see him which is probably why my Xanga is always talking about him.
It's funny, I first made this account so I could make comments on people's live journals. Now...it's the only place I really talk about what's going on inside me. I don't want all my friends to see what goes on in my head because I don't want them to worry about me or change things about themselves because of me or suddenly start inviting me to group outings and shit because of this. I just wish my heart and my head could connect and realize that people do care, we just live far apart. Raphael does care and love me, he just has other friends. I donno. I want to ask him about it but...I don't know how without him feeling guilty or something. I need advice. What I need to do is call Marisol and talk to her. She's really the only person I can talk to about things like this. I don't have anyone else except Raphael and me. Okay, that's not true. I just can't trust anyone else.
Feeling left out is never a nice feeling. It makes you feel more alone then you really are. It can make you feel like you're not important in any which way at all. It can make you feel worthless. That's a bit of how I feel right now. Like I can't be good enough at things. I know why but I can't help feeling that way. Raphael has a good friend and he and him talk a lot. Granted, once upon a time, this friend used Raphael to cheat on his current bf. But I know Raphael loves me and cares about me and him and Danny are just good friends now. It doesn't change something I read today. Raphael made some little notations in his journal on the Topeka DDR webpage. Just saying why certain people are so great to him. He wrote a whole paragraph about Danny. He wrote a sentence about me. And it wasn't even about me. He just commented on a comment I made. That was it. I might be selfish and a brat but....am I wrong to be sad that he barely writes about me? I don't even know if I should mention it to him. I don't want him to feel like he has to write about me but.....he gave out props to everyone but me. Maybe I didn't make his day good. Maybe I'm just not good enough to make his day special. Maybe I think too much. But honestly I feel completely left out. And he made mentions that he feels like he can talk with all these other people. Does he feel like he can't talk to me? Am I that bad of a listener? I just feel left out but I don't know how to tell him. I feel like after any of the group outings, he always mentions how great it was that all the other people were there and how great it is he can talk with them on things and how great they are. Is it bad that I just want to be mentioned in there somewhere? More than likely, it isn't on purpose at all. More than likely, it's because he doesn't want to get too mushy but....everyone else got mushy. Oh yeah...I was also last in the list (if you don't count him just adding in Pyramidhead to be funny). I know in my heart, he didn't mean anything by it but I can't help feeling left out. I don't even get why I'm crying. Maybe it's because the more I read about him and his friends, the more I read about other people and their friends, the more I read about them getting groups of people together and hanging out, the more I read about everyone else, I feel more and more alone. It's why I don't really read other people's Xanga's regularly anymore. I feel left out. I have friends...they just aren't here. Hell right now, Raphael isn't here. I barely get to see him which is probably why my Xanga is always talking about him.
It's funny, I first made this account so I could make comments on people's live journals. Now...it's the only place I really talk about what's going on inside me. I don't want all my friends to see what goes on in my head because I don't want them to worry about me or change things about themselves because of me or suddenly start inviting me to group outings and shit because of this. I just wish my heart and my head could connect and realize that people do care, we just live far apart. Raphael does care and love me, he just has other friends. I donno. I want to ask him about it but...I don't know how without him feeling guilty or something. I need advice. What I need to do is call Marisol and talk to her. She's really the only person I can talk to about things like this. I don't have anyone else except Raphael and me. Okay, that's not true. I just can't trust anyone else.