Something's off....
So, my life seems relatively sweet right now. I have an amazing new apartment (which I just signed the lease of today) that I will be moving into in a couple of weeks. I will be getting an awesome dog that will keep me exercised and provide more companionship. I have found the man that I am going to marry and will spend the rest of my life with. I will be graduating soon (sooo close, but soooooooo far) where I will hopefully - fingers crossed - get a nice paying job and have more income soon. But something's not right with me.
I can't seem to figure it out. For the last couple of weeks I have been skipping classes (not too much but way more than I should and now I'm pretty behind in some of my classes) and dead tired ALL of the time. During the middle of the day I'm all gung ho to get some work done, but when I actually have time to do something, I just put it off and watch TV or something stupid that is totally inane and a complete waste of what little time I have. I then feel totally miserable for being such an idiot and putting myself into a situation where I have to work my ass off twice as hard to catch up. I feel gross and ugly all the time. I feel completely obese all the time- which realistically I know I could stand to loose some weight, but I'm not hopeless yet. I have no sexual appetite at all, much less the energy to do all that physical activity. And I just feel all around worthless.
I'm NOT saying any of this to get a pity party and have everyone tell me how "not true" any of that shit is, because it all has at least a little bit of truth to it. But I guess my problem is that I have never felt so hopeless and desolately worthless ever in my life. I don't know what to do about this. Anytime I try to talk to Vince all he does is tell me how its "not true" and its driving me insane. I don't want to hear how its not true. I'm sick of it. I just want to feel good again once and a while and I don't know what to do. I've never had a self-esteem problem and I find myself contemplating anorexia on a daily basis (just until I lost the majority of my horrible fatty weight) and what life would be like if I could be a different person - anyone except myself. I hate being me. I just don't really have any other option.
I can't seem to figure it out. For the last couple of weeks I have been skipping classes (not too much but way more than I should and now I'm pretty behind in some of my classes) and dead tired ALL of the time. During the middle of the day I'm all gung ho to get some work done, but when I actually have time to do something, I just put it off and watch TV or something stupid that is totally inane and a complete waste of what little time I have. I then feel totally miserable for being such an idiot and putting myself into a situation where I have to work my ass off twice as hard to catch up. I feel gross and ugly all the time. I feel completely obese all the time- which realistically I know I could stand to loose some weight, but I'm not hopeless yet. I have no sexual appetite at all, much less the energy to do all that physical activity. And I just feel all around worthless.
I'm NOT saying any of this to get a pity party and have everyone tell me how "not true" any of that shit is, because it all has at least a little bit of truth to it. But I guess my problem is that I have never felt so hopeless and desolately worthless ever in my life. I don't know what to do about this. Anytime I try to talk to Vince all he does is tell me how its "not true" and its driving me insane. I don't want to hear how its not true. I'm sick of it. I just want to feel good again once and a while and I don't know what to do. I've never had a self-esteem problem and I find myself contemplating anorexia on a daily basis (just until I lost the majority of my horrible fatty weight) and what life would be like if I could be a different person - anyone except myself. I hate being me. I just don't really have any other option.