(no subject)
And the lack of sound continues...but there's something different beneath it now. A gentle hum that I can't quite distinguish but it gives me peace nonetheless. It's a welcome feeling, after so many months of feeling like...someone else. Like I was wearing someone else's skin and could not quite recognize who was staring back at me every time I looked in the mirror. Or whose voice I was hearing every time something snarky would escape my lips. It's a strange feeling to describe and I still don't quite understand it. Is it normal for introverted people to feel this way? I never feel quite content in social settings--I either feel like I don't talk enough or I talk too much. Though I feel better when I sit within silence, I cannot seem to do it in some situations.
Being in the same workplace for years has opened me up socially but I almost wonder if it's a front I put on to get through lingering social awkwardness. I'm not sure which it is. Since I say things and do things I wouldn't normally do. For example, I sing and dance at work (I work with mentally disabled adults so this is acceptable behavior) and I don't feel much embarrassment in it. Maybe because I'm doing it for them and not for myself. But then, there's also this snarky side of me that slips out when I interact with co-workers. It makes me feel defensive when I have no reason to feel that way but it slips out nonetheless. And then I feel like a mean person afterwards. Or just like I'm becoming cynical in my old age. It's an uncomfortable feeling.
Anyway, I've been praying about these feelings for a long time. And this week...I feel more like myself again. I've lapsed into silences more often than I was and it makes me feel better at the end of the day. This is all very complicated to explain, especially given that I don't want to dwell on my failings. Just all part of being human, right? Then why is that still so difficult to accept after all these years?
Sigh. My brain feels strangely scattered right now even though I don't feel that way on an emotion level. Just thinking too much...but that wouldn't be the first time, would it?
Being in the same workplace for years has opened me up socially but I almost wonder if it's a front I put on to get through lingering social awkwardness. I'm not sure which it is. Since I say things and do things I wouldn't normally do. For example, I sing and dance at work (I work with mentally disabled adults so this is acceptable behavior) and I don't feel much embarrassment in it. Maybe because I'm doing it for them and not for myself. But then, there's also this snarky side of me that slips out when I interact with co-workers. It makes me feel defensive when I have no reason to feel that way but it slips out nonetheless. And then I feel like a mean person afterwards. Or just like I'm becoming cynical in my old age. It's an uncomfortable feeling.
Anyway, I've been praying about these feelings for a long time. And this week...I feel more like myself again. I've lapsed into silences more often than I was and it makes me feel better at the end of the day. This is all very complicated to explain, especially given that I don't want to dwell on my failings. Just all part of being human, right? Then why is that still so difficult to accept after all these years?
Sigh. My brain feels strangely scattered right now even though I don't feel that way on an emotion level. Just thinking too much...but that wouldn't be the first time, would it?