memories are tricky
Since my curiosity is innate, I went back to the past: February 29th, 2008. Four years ago I was still in college, struggling through a mountain of paper work and impending stress. Midterms were upon me and I couldn't rest because of all the activity outside my dorm room. I have a dozen similar memories from my time at Ball State, sometimes when I close my eyes I can still picture myself there--my first home away from home. But those are memories that rush at me less and less. It's easy to forget the things that were familiar to us just a short time ago. It's like earlier when I opened a can of soft food for Tigerlilly, she stood up and meowed at me. One of the cats I grew up with, Roxie, used to stand up on her hind legs when we shook her treats. It's something I had forgotten until Tigerlilly did it.
Sometimes I worry about losing memories. Like if you don't think of things enough, they'll eventually vanish completely. But then there are reminders that help ease that worry. They're little spark starters. For example, sometimes I just look at the moon and I'm able to relive various moments of my life, sometimes I'm even able to capture the emotion I thought was gone.
Time is a funny thing. We can change so much and so little over the span of four years. I'm not the person I was then--no longer a student but I've also lost this edge I had then. My edges have softened with maturity and love. I've thought a lot lately about how memory works. How what we feel/think today will be forgotten at some point. So we're always changing, in that aspect at least. Sometimes I reread my posts from the past and they're even a mystery to me because the emotion that was there when I wrote them has disappeared. Sometimes I'm able to grasp the memory but other times it flies away from me. In four years, what will I think of this entry? Will I remember feeling this endlessness...this detachment from the things and people I love?
I'm just so confused by everything lately. I feel like I'm holding back from everyone because the stress at home is overwhelming. I still care about the clients I work with but it feels different lately. I cried my eyes out over it an hour ago. The tears were a release but I wonder if I'll feel that way again tomorrow. Like I'm further away from them than I used to be. Maybe it's all the changes lately, with work and home. I just keep praying that my heart will open again... I hate to feel so closed off. They don't deserve that from me. Maybe the fact that I care so much about it is a sign my heart isn't as closed off as I fear.
Sometimes I worry about losing memories. Like if you don't think of things enough, they'll eventually vanish completely. But then there are reminders that help ease that worry. They're little spark starters. For example, sometimes I just look at the moon and I'm able to relive various moments of my life, sometimes I'm even able to capture the emotion I thought was gone.
Time is a funny thing. We can change so much and so little over the span of four years. I'm not the person I was then--no longer a student but I've also lost this edge I had then. My edges have softened with maturity and love. I've thought a lot lately about how memory works. How what we feel/think today will be forgotten at some point. So we're always changing, in that aspect at least. Sometimes I reread my posts from the past and they're even a mystery to me because the emotion that was there when I wrote them has disappeared. Sometimes I'm able to grasp the memory but other times it flies away from me. In four years, what will I think of this entry? Will I remember feeling this endlessness...this detachment from the things and people I love?
I'm just so confused by everything lately. I feel like I'm holding back from everyone because the stress at home is overwhelming. I still care about the clients I work with but it feels different lately. I cried my eyes out over it an hour ago. The tears were a release but I wonder if I'll feel that way again tomorrow. Like I'm further away from them than I used to be. Maybe it's all the changes lately, with work and home. I just keep praying that my heart will open again... I hate to feel so closed off. They don't deserve that from me. Maybe the fact that I care so much about it is a sign my heart isn't as closed off as I fear.