you take the good, you take the bad
It has been weeks since my vacation and I've been neglecting my journal. It seems to happen at times where my life is hectic or at times where I don't know how to put my feelings into words. Lately, both of those things have kept me away from here. But I have to try to find words or all these worries I'm carrying will eat me alive.
But before I get to that, I want to preface the bad stuff with some of the good things. Saturday, my mom and I saw Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Although I wasn't impressed with the 3D aspect of the movie, it was still a great experience. It has been my favorite Disney film since I was a kid so it was cool to see it on the big screen. I bawled at the end as usual. That movie still affects me as much now as it did when I was younger. At least some things never change.
I've been feeling underappreciated at work for the last two months or so. There have been a lot of changes and sometimes it's really disheartening. I used to love my job but now it's hard to deal with some things regarding management and all the back-stabbing between staff members. My heart is still with the clients and I'm there for them and to gain the experience I need to help developmentally disabled adults at a higher level someday. But it's hard to work in that type of environment sometimes. Despite all those feelings I've been having, I have gotten several compliments from some of the upper management in the last week or so. The one that stood out to me was the one I got from the behaviorist last Friday. I had a rough week last week and I was feeling helpless because on of the clients at work has just gotten more aggressive over the last few months. I felt like I wasn't helping her as much as I could and the behaviorist told me that out of everybody else in that place, I'm the only one who listens to her. If she tells us not to do something, she knows I won't whereas other staff just blows off what she has to say. It surprised me that she noticed that because I'm so low on the food chain so to speak. Her words of encouragement have helped me through. Another compliment I got was about Trinh. My supervisor said they were lucky to have staff that's willing to work with her now because when Trinh first came there, people didn't want to deal with her. I feel like the luck one because I've gotten to know her. When I first started she rarely smiled or laughed, now she does quite often. It feels good to see these changes in her. It just shows how comfortable we have made her life there. It's humbling to say the least. I try to look at these things as sign posts. That I'm where I'm supposed to be, with the population I'm supposed to be with, and my work/heart will get me places in this field. That is my hope.
As for the stress I spoke of at the start of this entry, it is mostly related to my home life. Every day I watch my grandfather decline. He can't remember what things are sometimes and he talks about things that make no sense. He's also become paranoid and argumentative. My grandmother used to be that way but she has improved since he's started to lose his mind. It makes me sad and sick to watch it. Sometimes, selfishly, I hide away in my mom's room to escape it. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore. It's a guilt I carry with me. I try not to dwell on it or open my heart to the emotions that I lock away because I know my family needs me to not be a mess. It's a facade that's hard to live with sometimes. I still don't really have the words to express the whole situation or how I feel about it. I thought I would but I'm already wear of thinking of it so I'll stop here.
But before I get to that, I want to preface the bad stuff with some of the good things. Saturday, my mom and I saw Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Although I wasn't impressed with the 3D aspect of the movie, it was still a great experience. It has been my favorite Disney film since I was a kid so it was cool to see it on the big screen. I bawled at the end as usual. That movie still affects me as much now as it did when I was younger. At least some things never change.
I've been feeling underappreciated at work for the last two months or so. There have been a lot of changes and sometimes it's really disheartening. I used to love my job but now it's hard to deal with some things regarding management and all the back-stabbing between staff members. My heart is still with the clients and I'm there for them and to gain the experience I need to help developmentally disabled adults at a higher level someday. But it's hard to work in that type of environment sometimes. Despite all those feelings I've been having, I have gotten several compliments from some of the upper management in the last week or so. The one that stood out to me was the one I got from the behaviorist last Friday. I had a rough week last week and I was feeling helpless because on of the clients at work has just gotten more aggressive over the last few months. I felt like I wasn't helping her as much as I could and the behaviorist told me that out of everybody else in that place, I'm the only one who listens to her. If she tells us not to do something, she knows I won't whereas other staff just blows off what she has to say. It surprised me that she noticed that because I'm so low on the food chain so to speak. Her words of encouragement have helped me through. Another compliment I got was about Trinh. My supervisor said they were lucky to have staff that's willing to work with her now because when Trinh first came there, people didn't want to deal with her. I feel like the luck one because I've gotten to know her. When I first started she rarely smiled or laughed, now she does quite often. It feels good to see these changes in her. It just shows how comfortable we have made her life there. It's humbling to say the least. I try to look at these things as sign posts. That I'm where I'm supposed to be, with the population I'm supposed to be with, and my work/heart will get me places in this field. That is my hope.
As for the stress I spoke of at the start of this entry, it is mostly related to my home life. Every day I watch my grandfather decline. He can't remember what things are sometimes and he talks about things that make no sense. He's also become paranoid and argumentative. My grandmother used to be that way but she has improved since he's started to lose his mind. It makes me sad and sick to watch it. Sometimes, selfishly, I hide away in my mom's room to escape it. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore. It's a guilt I carry with me. I try not to dwell on it or open my heart to the emotions that I lock away because I know my family needs me to not be a mess. It's a facade that's hard to live with sometimes. I still don't really have the words to express the whole situation or how I feel about it. I thought I would but I'm already wear of thinking of it so I'll stop here.