staring at the puddle
hi. it's been too long. as always. long bouts of depression or unidentifiable emotion leave me feeling spent and empty, as is usually the case with most people, but in those times i decide not to pour my heart out to the unfeeling internet/ small web of friends who read this poor account of my daily life and over-reaching aspirations. i instead hole myself up in, well, a hole, albeit a figurative one (except for one time in my teens) and contemplate my own capacity for self-loathing. now, that time of introspection does not inherently include self-loathing; more often i find myself thinking about whether or not i actually hate myself or a particular aspect of myself rather than wasting time on the more direct approach. in the end i always come to the conclusion that, yes, i am awesome, but why oh why does it take me so long to realize that time and again?
a brief recap of the past... month or two? i don't even know and i'm too lazy to check. i can't say too much because of confidentiality agreements and whatnot, but the short of it is that i went to Cupertino (ha ha back to California) to train for my new job here in NYC. it was almost too soon to go back to CA and i became sure that it was as soon as i got there. the time there was awesome, intense, and a little nerve-wracking, but i do very well under those conditions, as my three years in acting training proved, so the whole time was good fun. little to some fallout from my parent-related breakdown took place while i was there. i haven't spoken to my folks much since i saw them in person. i keep blaming my work schedule but i wonder if it's more that i need to break away from them for a while and try being an adult. i did the same thing freshman year of college and, like that time, they aren't taking it well. we're back on good terms, but i still feel the need for space. coming back to NYC was difficult only because it meant a whole new set of challenges once i got to work, which there have been, in abundance, since... oh let's say November 18. there have been joys and trials since then, but mostly joys. and the trials weren't too terrible and none of them legally binding.
work is great i guess. people keep asking me how it is and i keep saying it's great so that must be true. i do enjoy some aspects of it. i enjoy being a badass on a daily basis. i enjoy that being a badass is part of the job description and necessary for getting anything done. i enjoy talking to people all day. i enjoy the cool people who work there. i don't enjoy the paperwork, though there's a certain zen-ness to the uniform yet constantly changing nature of documenting every single case i encounter. i've helped a lot of people regain their lives, in a sense, which makes me feel amazing every time it happens. watching a person go home feeling safe and comfortable is a wonderful sight when you're a direct cause of that feeling. i'm always onstage, too, which is certainly not a bad thing. it was scary at first because there's so much policy and technical knowledge that i have to have right at my fingertips, but as soon as that started to fall into place it became a helluva lot more fun. i can't see myself doing it forever, but i can see myself being there for a while, and learning and growing while i do. i already feel more like an adult, which may be rubbing off. one of my leads told me i seem "much older than i am" and that i have a "presence of confidence." funny, since i don't see myself in either of those ways, except of course when i'm having a good hair day.
i'm either rebuilding all of my social life or gaining a new perspective on what it is to have friends. i understand that people come and go, but i get really frustrated that some folks champion the fact that they'll miss me so much but never call me or call back when i call them. some people, yeah, they're busy. i'm busy, too, and to be fair i do the same thing sometimes. it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you're on the receiving end. i've had a few really interesting experiences that i won't relate in order to protect the not-so-innocent, but i'm definitely becoming more comfortable with, as my trainer in Cupertino said, "living within the gray." i've been feeling lonely even though i'm surrounded by friends and people who definitely care about me. it's hard not to think about college and all the good things, but ultimately i don't want to ignore all my happy memories just because it's painful to think that those times are over. then there are also the painful memories but those could get their own post. they probably will.
i got a text message from Shanana the other night at 4 am (don't ask why i was up so late to begin with) telling me that i'd started a tradition by giving twenty dollars to a member of the sophomore class on cuts day my junior year. you know, fuck being modest. it feels really good to have left a legacy. not necessarily that i will be remembered, but that there is at least a small modicum of generosity and compatriotism between the classes that will live on long after those who knew me have gone. it's amazing to know i made a difference somewhere. a difference for the better. i wrote back to her, and meant it, that knowing that made it all worthwhile.
i saw Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre with a friend, let's call her Petal, tonight. the dancing was beautiful and the music was great. it was still dance, so meh, but it was worth it to hang out with Petal and at least have some sort of cultural, artistic experience. there was a distinct lack of storytelling in the majority of the pieces, though, so i left feeling like something was lacking. i miss it. i miss it so much. and again i'm wondering why i'm not just going out and auditioning instead of working a job that, yes, pays well but ultimately is not what i love. i'm getting my feet. i still miss being an artist. the upside to it all is that i am, for the first time in a very long time, being a person. and that, perhaps, will make all the difference when i do jump back in.
hearts of gold only shine in the presence of fire
a brief recap of the past... month or two? i don't even know and i'm too lazy to check. i can't say too much because of confidentiality agreements and whatnot, but the short of it is that i went to Cupertino (ha ha back to California) to train for my new job here in NYC. it was almost too soon to go back to CA and i became sure that it was as soon as i got there. the time there was awesome, intense, and a little nerve-wracking, but i do very well under those conditions, as my three years in acting training proved, so the whole time was good fun. little to some fallout from my parent-related breakdown took place while i was there. i haven't spoken to my folks much since i saw them in person. i keep blaming my work schedule but i wonder if it's more that i need to break away from them for a while and try being an adult. i did the same thing freshman year of college and, like that time, they aren't taking it well. we're back on good terms, but i still feel the need for space. coming back to NYC was difficult only because it meant a whole new set of challenges once i got to work, which there have been, in abundance, since... oh let's say November 18. there have been joys and trials since then, but mostly joys. and the trials weren't too terrible and none of them legally binding.
work is great i guess. people keep asking me how it is and i keep saying it's great so that must be true. i do enjoy some aspects of it. i enjoy being a badass on a daily basis. i enjoy that being a badass is part of the job description and necessary for getting anything done. i enjoy talking to people all day. i enjoy the cool people who work there. i don't enjoy the paperwork, though there's a certain zen-ness to the uniform yet constantly changing nature of documenting every single case i encounter. i've helped a lot of people regain their lives, in a sense, which makes me feel amazing every time it happens. watching a person go home feeling safe and comfortable is a wonderful sight when you're a direct cause of that feeling. i'm always onstage, too, which is certainly not a bad thing. it was scary at first because there's so much policy and technical knowledge that i have to have right at my fingertips, but as soon as that started to fall into place it became a helluva lot more fun. i can't see myself doing it forever, but i can see myself being there for a while, and learning and growing while i do. i already feel more like an adult, which may be rubbing off. one of my leads told me i seem "much older than i am" and that i have a "presence of confidence." funny, since i don't see myself in either of those ways, except of course when i'm having a good hair day.
i'm either rebuilding all of my social life or gaining a new perspective on what it is to have friends. i understand that people come and go, but i get really frustrated that some folks champion the fact that they'll miss me so much but never call me or call back when i call them. some people, yeah, they're busy. i'm busy, too, and to be fair i do the same thing sometimes. it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you're on the receiving end. i've had a few really interesting experiences that i won't relate in order to protect the not-so-innocent, but i'm definitely becoming more comfortable with, as my trainer in Cupertino said, "living within the gray." i've been feeling lonely even though i'm surrounded by friends and people who definitely care about me. it's hard not to think about college and all the good things, but ultimately i don't want to ignore all my happy memories just because it's painful to think that those times are over. then there are also the painful memories but those could get their own post. they probably will.
i got a text message from Shanana the other night at 4 am (don't ask why i was up so late to begin with) telling me that i'd started a tradition by giving twenty dollars to a member of the sophomore class on cuts day my junior year. you know, fuck being modest. it feels really good to have left a legacy. not necessarily that i will be remembered, but that there is at least a small modicum of generosity and compatriotism between the classes that will live on long after those who knew me have gone. it's amazing to know i made a difference somewhere. a difference for the better. i wrote back to her, and meant it, that knowing that made it all worthwhile.
i saw Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre with a friend, let's call her Petal, tonight. the dancing was beautiful and the music was great. it was still dance, so meh, but it was worth it to hang out with Petal and at least have some sort of cultural, artistic experience. there was a distinct lack of storytelling in the majority of the pieces, though, so i left feeling like something was lacking. i miss it. i miss it so much. and again i'm wondering why i'm not just going out and auditioning instead of working a job that, yes, pays well but ultimately is not what i love. i'm getting my feet. i still miss being an artist. the upside to it all is that i am, for the first time in a very long time, being a person. and that, perhaps, will make all the difference when i do jump back in.
hearts of gold only shine in the presence of fire