it ain't cheap to wipe your ass.
I was going over my budget for the place I'm renting and I noticed that my roommates and I were spending ten to twenty dollars a month on toilet paper! I personally have always tried to limit myself to two shits a day and at most seven sheets of toilet paper every visit. Realizing that one of my roommates was using a suspicious amount of toilet paper, I called a house meeting and announced my findings. It was clear to me that no-one was taking the problem seriously so I decided to document exactly how many sheets each person was using. I purchased two tall bushes in large ceramic pots and placed one in each bathroom. I then would pretend to go to work but actually sneak into the backyard where I keep my grass clippings. By rubbing my entire naked body in the clippings I was able to stand un-noticed in the bathroom and note my roommates toilet paper usage. Let me say first off that it is clear to me now that some of my roommates are mighty odd. One of my female roommates sings 'eye of the tiger'. Clearly her mother never told her the old adage that if one sings on the toilet one will never marry. Another simply mutters the word 'sausage' over and over while one of my foreigner roommates giggles constantly as if they were very nervous or feeling guilty. Anyways, I discovered that one of my roommates, I won't say which one but he is male and is related to me, is using the vast majority of the rolls. I noticed that each night this roommate would do his business but then grab a roll just before retiring to bed. I confronted him about his bizarre love of toilet paper and he explained to me that he had developed an unusual fetish. He is only turned on by egyptian things. Pyramids really float his boat but he hasn't been able to explain this odd lust to his ladyfriend. In order to satisfy himself he waits until he believes his bedmate is asleep then slowly wraps her in toilet paper until she looks just like a mummie. He didn't tell me what happens next and I didn't ask. The human sex drive is a truly bizarre thing. Thank god I am normal and only need to sometimes imitate a lighthouse while getting it on. Anyways, he has agreed to buy his own toilet paper or at least wind the sheets back around the roll once they are no longer needed.