Sick Hearts [standalone]
I step through the large hinged oak doors to a place of peace and silence. This is my final goodbye. The door to your smiling face is open; I rest a rose upon your chest, a symbol of my love and remembrance, and smile. Tears begin to fall down my cheeks as i close the door on this part of my life. I knew I promised you I would not cry, but these tears are not my own; they are the tears you never shed. I don't want to carry on without you, but I’ll live for you. As long as I remember you, you're here.
Your mother stands beside me, distraught. Sweet smelling lilies in her grasp as she stares intently at your headstone.
The earth begins to cover your tomb, sounding heavy and damp. Your mother's lilies being buried with you. I can't stop watching, I won't stop watching until you're covered and finally at peace. The rain rattles against my black umbrella and mingles with my tears. It hurts to know i will never see you again, only in photos. My heart is not yet breaking, it just aches.
I will not live as though you never existed but as if you never left. It's too hard to let go; too painful to hold on.
Time flew, I thought it had stopped. Before I knew it a year had passed and my tears fell faster. Everything fell apart when you left. I became incapable of looking after myself, i would only speak when spoken to: I couldn't function.
Life became unbearable; I began to self-destruct, yet I still cared about you. I could care and look after you and nothing else. You were what kept me fighting.
I could still hear your voice when I slept at night and I set the table for two. I would take quick showers so you could take one too, make two cups of tea and pour one down the drain. I still talk to you; people think I'm mad but I know you can hear me.
I remember the first time we met. It was a bittersweet moment; we were in that place that attracts death and destruction. Tears stained the floor and furniture. But you made everything disappear, no sounds, no sights, just nothing.
My pillow is forever damp from tears. There is no point in make up anymore, there's no one to wear it for. The rings you gave me were taken from me, I had no energy to fight them, I could only cry. I only have my memories left; now my heart is breaking.
Being alone is strange, i know the people around me but we're not friends. to see others fall and their families break is heart wrenching and impossible to watch; you see them crumple and their lives fall to pieces.
I've been here the longest. I'm counting down the days now. Why did you have to be at a more advanced stage than I?
Cancer brought us together and tore us apart. It hurts, I'm no longer with you, I'm alone with no one to comfort me and keep me safe. I used to be scared of death: now I long for it.
And being without you is killing me that little bit quicker.
I miss you.