In The Streets of Ratlam - Jab We Met fic

[tigger_01]

Title: Ratlam ki galleon mein (In the streets of Ratlam)
Fandom: Bollywood - from the film Jab We Met starring Shahid Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor
Rating: PG
Pairing: None - slight Aditya/Geet if you stare hard enough.
Warnings: Spoilers for the film. Obviously. And a minor, minor reference to… unsavory activities.
Summary:
A drabble/character study of

Comments

[lalumena]

I can't comment on characterisation because I've never seen the movie! However, I did like reading this. You create a strong sense of emotion, and the character has a distinct narrative voice. Without wanting to sound too patronising, it's well done for a first (posted) fic.

I particularly liked it did not even occur to her he may be attempting to commit suicide (and would have thus preferred some quiet, thank you very much), only that he had been too close to the edge for the mix of sardonic humour and shades of darkness. You employ humour well in the fic overall, actually.

and a face hidden by locks of straight, dark hair, glued firmly to the ground.
'eyes glued firmly to the ground', perhaps? This is a vivid image, but I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what you meant.

memories raced like an unstoppable PowerPoint;
There's a conflict of slow and fast here, just 'memories raced' is simpler and stronger, perhaps? Using fewer adjectives would also make your imagery simpler and stronger, I think. (Though I'm a bit addicted to them myself. Them and semi-colons...)

I liked the ending, too, nicely understated. Good luck with your writing, and I hope you keep going with it!

[tigger_01]

The movie? Um... depressed!boy meets hyper!active (and fairly naive, really) girl and falls in LOVE. boy realises that he must learn to be confident and happy to enjoy life, and girl realises that there is a difference between optimism and naivety. And it all ends happily ever after. :)
It's v.cute and v.funny. ;)

Thank you very much for your comments - they were very helpful, and coming from such an accomplished writer (*grin*) very much appreciated. :)

I particularly liked it did not even occur to her he may be attempting to commit suicide (and would have thus preferred some quiet, thank you very much), only that he had been too close to the edge for the mix of sardonic humour and shades of darkness. You employ humour well in the fic overall, actually.
Thank you! I'm so glad someone noticed. ;)
I was trying to get across the idea that Aditya is a lot more pragmatic and calm than he thinks he is (ie - he's not really depressed at all).

Using fewer adjectives would also make your imagery simpler and stronger, I think. (Though I'm a bit addicted to them myself. Them and semi-colons...) - Haha, so true! I'm addicted to dashes, but I'm moved on to semi colons now... xD

I do intend to continue with my writing, when I get the time to pursue it properly. But thank you for the feedback!
[By the way - I read your Lucy/RArmitage fic... wicked funny! I'll leave a comment when I have a moment to breathe, promise!]

[lalumena]

It sounds sweet!

And thank you, that's really nice of you. There are some amazing writers around at LJ, I'm flattered that you like what I write.

I was trying to get across the idea that Aditya is a lot more pragmatic and calm than he thinks he is (ie - he's not really depressed at all).
That makes sense, psychologically. Often depressive (i.e. depressed appearance) people have a dark, cynical view and humour.