Limitless Love/ Oneshot
Title : Limitless Love
Chapter(s) : Oneshot (1/1)
Author : tigerxbutterfly
Rating : PG
Genre : AU, Angst, Romance.
Band(s) : alice nine.
Warning(s) : none.
Pairing(s) : ToraxSaga, ShouxSaga
Disclaimer : If they were mine, I'd prefer to make a movie.
Summary : How does it feels when someone loves you as someone else? Will you keep pretending who they want you to be or... will you rather break it off?
Comments : This is a sequel to Timeless Love by junakabisque.
Tora's POV
I woke up, groaning due to the sunlight that hit my eyes. I rolled onto my side, facing the person who laid next to me, and then I automatically circled my right arm around his waist. I could tell that my forehead was only an inch apart from his. I opened my eyes, just to find his face really close to mine. He was still sleeping peacefully; his facial expression was so calm... and I found it very cute. I smiled upon seeing him like this, but quickly frowned when I remembered that the reason he was here with me was none other than that he saw me as Shou. It had been three months since we got together; well, a year and a half for him because he still thought that he was with Shou. Why couldn’t he realise that I was not him? Why couldn’t he realise that I was Tora? Did he even realise that my heart always broke every time he called me ‘Shou’? I wanted him to accept me, as I was, not as Shou. I patted his head lightly, trying to be careful not to wake him. I sighed and lay back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. My mind drifted back to the scene where I apologised and kissed him after I returned the necklace.
~ Flashback ~
After I released his lips from mine, I stared at him with a slight guilt in my chest. His eyes were still closed, tears falling down onto his face. I frowned and lowered my head.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” I whispered to him.
I could hear him try to stop his tears. I shut my eyes even tighter when the guilt overtook me.
“It’s okay. We can’t do anything about it anymore.” I heard him say that with a cracked voice.
Slowly, I lifted my face up to look at him. To be honest, I was surprised to see him smiling. I saw that his eyes were a bit red from all that crying.
“You mean…” I trailed off.
“Yes, I’ve already forgiven you.” he said with that velvet voice of his.
I couldn’t help but smile and sigh in relief.
○●○●○
Since then, we had become friends. I had always visited him whenever I had time. Since I had already quitted my job as a robber, now I was just an informer for my boss; and I had sworn to myself that I would never commit a sin as I used to, which happened to be killing people. Saga and I would always go to the theatre and have dinner together. We had become close to each other then, though he rarely called me by my name. If he wanted to talk to me, he would always called me ‘Hey’, ‘Ano…’ and ‘Nee…’, but never addressing by my name. I had never really minded, though.
Then, as each day passed by, I began to fall in love with him. Well, actually I had always been in love with him. He was getting so close to me that it made my heart even happier. Every time he flashed that gorgeous smile of his, my heart fluttered. I had always thought that Shou had been very lucky to have him. Now that I thought about it, I was the one who was lucky, having a person’s heart whose lover was so gorgeous.
We had always spent our times like this until that day-the day when I confessed my feelings for him. We had just returned from dinner, and now we were chatting in front of Saga’s flower shop when suddenly, Saga flashed a really sweet and gorgeous smile of his at me. My heart skipped a beat upon seeing that. Then, it began to throb again. I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore. Without me realising it, my hand was already on his shoulder. He stared at me with wide eyes. It was obvious that he was confused and surprised at the same time. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say anything. It was as if his gaze froze me.
“Ano… is your heart hurting again?” He asked hesitantly.
He must have seen my hand clutching my clothed chest. I released my clutching hand and put it on his right shoulder instead. I lowered my head and began to speak.
“Yes, but it’s a different pain now. Unlike the usual.”
“Huh?”
“This pain… is caused… by you.” I lifted my head up to look at him.
“Wh-what?! Why me?” I could see that he was even more confused.
“Because… you’re the one who made me fall in love with you.” I mumbled my reply.
He fell silent; his facial expression still looked confused.
“That’s right, Saga. I’ve fallen in love with you ever since I met you. It wasn’t caused by Shou’s heart. It was caused by my own heart.” I told him that with a serious expression.
Then I stepped closer to him, moving my hand from his shoulder to his waist. I closed the distance between us and locked my lips with his lips. He stood still, and we stayed like that for a while. When he was about to respond to my kiss, I released him and stared into his eyes deeply.
“I love you, Saga.” I finally let out my feelings.
He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. I bit my lower lip and next thing I saw surprised me. He was smiling at me and then he finally hugged me. OK... now I was the one who was confused. Did that mean he loved me back? He released me and smiled even wider.
“You’re silly, do you know that? I’ve already known that you love me, and I love you too.” He said, cupping my cheeks.
Did I hear him right? He loved me too?
“Seriously?” I asked, a bit surprised.
“Of course!” He smiled and hugged me again.
Wow, that was a relief then. I had never thought that I would be accepted this easily. I hugged him back and tightened our embrace. After I let him go, I kissed his forehead and cupped his cheeks.
“I love you… so much.” I whispered to him.
He giggled and I chuckled.
“I love you too, Shou…” He said shyly.
Wait, what did he call me just now? Shou? Did he still see me as Shou just because I had Shou’s heart?
“Saga… I’m not Shou. I’m Tora.” I reminded him.
My voice obviously sounded hurt and disappointed. Saga froze and stared at me with a bewildered look. Then he laughed lightly.
“But this is your heartbeat, Shou.” He rested his palm and head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
“I may have Shou’s heart, but I’m Tora. Shou has died. Please, accept the reality.” I pleaded to him.
Wasn’t he aware of the pain that I was heaving in my chest? Then he laughed again. I rolled my eyes in disbelief.
“You’re funny, Shou.” He said as he hugged me again.
~ End of Flashback ~
I was brought back to reality when I felt the bed move. I tilted my head to the side and watched Saga tossing his head from side to side, attempting to wake up. He finally stopped and opened his eyes slowly. He smiled and put one hand under his head.
“Morning, angel.” I whispered to him.
“Morning too, handsome.” He greeted me back, giggling.
That cute giggle of his always succeeded making me want to hug him and never let him go. Nevertheless, of course I restrained myself from doing so. It would probably surprise him with an endless confuse.
“Are you working today?” He asked as he sat up.
“You know I have to.” I answered. “Are you alright now?” I asked as I pressed my forehead onto his, checking his temperature.
“I’m all right.” He smiled and drew back. “I’ll go make breakfast now.”
I watched him get off the bed and rush in to the bathroom. He scratched his head whilst doing so, wrinkling his oversized pyjamas. After he left the room, I sat up and sighed heavily. Last night had been dreadful. I overworked myself and came home, only to receive a bad news that I would never want to hear. Saga was burning up all night; therefore, I had to stay here to take care of him. Good thing the fever managed to subside at two in the morning. That was how I ended up sleeping beside him now.
I scratched my clothed chest and glanced at the clock. I had two hours for getting myself ready to go to work. I got off the bed and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a shower. After I was finished, I wrapped a towel around my waist and changed to my working outfit. I exited the room after I looked presentable enough. I went to the kitchen and found that Saga was just finished preparing our breakfast. I approached the table and smiled at him. After he placed the plates, he looked up and smiled back at me.
“Your favourite.” He said.
I merely smiled, though my heart was aching. It wasn’t my favourite. It was Shou’s. I didn’t know how to make him realise that I was not Shou. Why was he still living in denial? Wasn’t he over it already? Why did it seem like he still couldn’t let Shou go? I never really understood why, but I was still trying to. We sat around the table and started eating our breakfast. After we were done, I walked to the front door, putting my shoes on. Then he suddenly came and gave me a plastic bag. A sandwich for my lunch, I thought to myself. I thanked him and kissed him on the forehead. He said ‘take care’ and waved at me. I said them back and opened the door, exiting his house. Walking to my car, which was parked right outside his house, I got in and started the engine, driving away to my workplace.
○●○●○
Entering the building, I was quickly greeted by my boss. I greeted him back and continued walking to my office. Putting the plastic bag on the table, I leaned back against my chair and caught sight of a folder, which lay next to my computer. I opened it and felt the guilt building up again. It was the personal information of Shou, which I had taken from my private library. It was the latest record and would be the very last record of my victims. That was when a realisation suddenly hit me. Did Saga know that I was the one who killed Shou? I had never asked him that up until this moment. I was honestly afraid of his response. What if Saga had already read it on my face when I asked him? Would he leave me? I never wanted that to happen. I loved him, and I couldn’t be away from him. Yet, at the same time, I didn’t want to hide anything from him and let him date his own lover’s killer, who happened to be me. Dilemma seemed to overtake me. This was what I hated when I killed people: feeling the guilt. Nevertheless, this guilt was far greater than the one I felt for my other victims. What should I do?
Suddenly, the door opened and I abruptly put the folder inside my drawer. I sighed in relief when I saw that it was Hiroto who came in. He had put his bulletproof vest and gloves on, ready to go on a mission again. It was ironic, how I used to love that outfit before but now, I felt disgusted just by seeing it. I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because that certain outfit reminded me of my past life, that I had committed so many sins. I turned my computer on and typed the password to log in. I knew that Hiroto came here to ask me the information about the next target they were going to kill. I analyzed my data and found the target’s personal information.
“Yokogawa Ryoji.” I informed the name to him.
He sat on the chair across from my table and stared at me.
“What?” I asked uninterestingly.
“Something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answered flatly.
“Liar.”
His gaze had turned into an annoying one. I sighed and rolled my eyes, hating the fact that I was never good at hiding things from him.
“Dilemma.” I said that without looking at him, my eyes fixed on the computer screen.
“About?”
“Whether I should tell Saga or not that I’m the one who killed his lover.”
Yes. Hiroto knew everything because I always confided in him about my problems. I knew I couldn’t bottle things up. I needed someone to rely on so that I could take advices. Hiroto was a good adviser. He helped me get through the problem about Saga, who still called me by his old lover’s name. Although honestly, I wasn’t over it yet, because I was still feeling bothered by it. What should I do to stop him from calling me Shou and to make him see me as myself? I never got an answer to that. I sighed again and heard Hiroto speak.
“So, you didn’t tell him?”
I shook my head. How was I supposed to tell him if deep down, I was scared to death that he would leave me?
“Why?”
Should I tell him?
“I’m afraid he’d leave me.”
There, I said it. I felt stupid by saying that, by showing my weakness to Hiroto where I used to be the strongest one. Then he told me that honesty would lead me to happiness. Did that mean if I told the truth to Saga, he wouldn’t leave me? Still, I was scared. Yet, at the same time, I was also tired of hearing him call me Shou. I was tired of waiting until he would see me as I was. I didn’t want to force him to love me if he still saw me as Shou. I wanted to be loved by him as Tora, and I thought it was about time to tell him… to tell him everything.
○●○●○
I paced back and forth in front of Saga’s house, hesitating whether I should tell him now or not. I was quite sure that I was ready, but why did my heart race so badly all of a sudden? Was he going to leave me? I messed up my hair and sighed in frustration, screaming a bit. I was startled when the front door suddenly opened, revealing Saga wearing his casual clothes.
“Shou? Why didn’t you knock? How long have you been out there?”
I mumbled ‘not long’ and he invited me to come in. I took off my shoes and followed him to the living room, sitting on the couch beside him. We stayed silent for what seemed like ages. I could feel my forehead sweating. My mind was occupied by the same question repeatedly: should I tell him or not? That was when I finally made my decision. I knew that I was tired of all of this but I had always been denying it. Now, I was sure I could do this. I wanted to end this dilemma, this guilt, and this pain. I was ready to be abandoned by Saga. Yes. There was no turning back now.
I turned to my side to face Saga who was reading a magazine. I put both of my hands on Saga’s shoulder to get his attention. He blinked and looked up, staring at me confusedly. I stared back deep into his eyes. His eyes were wide and surprised. He must have seen the sad look I held within my eyes. I hugged him tightly and whispered to him.
“Saga… I have something to tell you. Something big…”
My voice was cracked. I could feel him tense and hesitatingly wrap his arms around mine. This was the time. I had to say it. I was going to accept anything that would happen, no matter what.
“I… I’m the one who killed… Shou.” I confessed.
I couldn’t hold back the tears that had been pooling in my eyes anymore and started sobbing quietly. I could feel his body become tense, probably because he was surprised. He pulled back abruptly.
“What?”
I bit my lower lip and bowed my head. I couldn’t look at him on the face.
“You’re joking, right?” He chuckled nervously. “How could you say that you killed yourself? You’re right here with me, Shou.”
“For God’s Sake, I’m not Shou, Saga! I’m Tora! Why can’t you stop living in denial?!”
I snapped at him. I could see him flinch because of the loudness of my voice. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Shou is dead, Saga! Accept it! I may have his heart, but it doesn’t mean that I’m him! Open your eyes and see me, Saga! Clear your mind and see who I really am!”
Saga froze and stared at me. It seemed like he had finally opened his eyes. I could see the tears pooling in his eyes and before I knew it, he began sobbing. He kept calling Shou’s name. There it was again, the pain in my chest, which felt ten times greater than ever. I clutched my clothed chest and fell onto the floor. Saga got down from the couch and patted my back, lifting me to sit back on the couch again. He went to the kitchen and brought a glass of water. I took the water and took a sip. I put it down and felt better.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, thanks…”
Silence fell between us. I really didn’t know what else to say, after I yelled and snapped at him. I felt guilty again. Nevertheless, I felt much better after letting out my pressure all of these past few months. I hoped that he understood my pain every time he called me by that name. I hoped I could open his eyes by doing this. Nevertheless, if he decided to leave me, then I’d have to accept it. I didn’t deserve to be loved by him. A killer like me didn’t deserve to be loved by someone with a pure, innocent heart. However, why did God give me his lover’s heart? Why didn’t God just take my life away? I knew that there had to be a reason. But what was it? To replace Shou and take care of Saga in the rest of my life? I knew I wanted this at first, but now I knew that it hurt me more instead. To be loved by someone who didn’t see you as yourself but somebody else. I cried and suddenly, a sentence popped up in my mind.
“You call for me for you are yearning.” I said it loud enough for Saga to hear.
Saga looked up at me. His tears hadn’t stopped flowing. I wiped away the tears off his face and cupped his cheeks. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this.
“I was always calling for him. I would have never expected that he would come back in his killer’s body.” He whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t plan all of this.” I whispered back to him.
He kept crying. I didn’t know what to do. However, instead of doing nothing, I held him in my arms. Maybe this was the right time to tell him. If he wanted to be with me, then he must accept me, as I was and not as Shou. No. I knew this was selfish but I had been keeping this pain long enough and I couldn’t stand it anymore. He finally stopped crying and stared into my eyes. I couldn’t stare into those eyes anymore. I had to end this; or else, it would just hurt the both of us.
“Saga, I have to go,” I whispered to him.
My voice sounded hurt, but this was the only way. I knew I would lose him and I knew I would worry about him too much if he were alone. However, this was the only way. I was sure he could find a better man than I was. I let go of him and was ready to go but his hand clung on mine. I stopped and turned to look at him.
“No. Please, don’t go. Stay with me.” He pleaded.
He began to cry again and I couldn’t stand to watch that face. I had to tell him the reason. It was up to him to decide. I crouched in front of him and cupped his face, staring deep into his eyes and it looked like I reached his core.
“Listen,” My voice was soft. “If you want me to stay with you forever, you have to accept me as I am, Saga. You have no idea how much pain you’ve caused in me every time you call me by that name.”
He widened his eyes. It seemed like I had made him realise. That was good then. I wanted him to realise from the beginning, but it was hard. He always changed the subject whenever I tried to talk to him about this. I knew that he was confused. Nevertheless, I let him be. It was up to him to decide. All I could do was to wait and if he would never come back into my life, it meant that it was over for us. I caressed his cheek for the last time and let go of him. I mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ and walked towards the front door. I heard faint sobs. However, I couldn’t go back. This was the best for the both of us…
○●○●○
I woke up from my nap and groaned when my I felt a slight pain on my neck. Another working overtime at the office. I should have paid attention more to my health, but I couldn’t help but kept working to forget what had happened all these past few months. It had been 3 weeks since I left Saga, and he never called me or even visited my house. It meant that he was really leaving me. I was ready, though I knew that it hurt me so much. Although it was not as hurt as when I was loved by someone who didn’t see me as myself. I finally gave up on him. I wondered how he was doing though. I hoped he was okay. Leaving him in such state that time worried me a little. What if he stressed out and ended up in the hospital? No. That would never happen. Saga was a strong man and I knew he could survive. I stretched my neck and turned my computer off. I thought it was time for me to go home. I had been here for 14 hours, so I thought it was enough for me. I had to rest.
After parking the car on the garage, I left there and went to the front door. Then I saw someone there, standing in front of my door. I thought he was lost in thoughts whether he should knock on the door or not. I walked closer and gasped when I saw those brown hair reflected by the neon light that was place on the canopy, which hovered over my front door. What was he doing here? Didn’t he want to see me again? Was he here to tell me that it was over for us?
My mind and heart began to race. I walked slowly towards him and stopped right behind his back. He had his head bowed down, his left hand touching his chin as if he was deep in thoughts. I coughed, signalling to him about my presence and making sure not to startle him. However, it seemed like I had failed. I saw him gasp and turn to me abruptly. He looked at me with those wide, surprised eyes whilst I looked at him with a confused gaze. His presence here really made me wonder. That was when I decided to ask him.
“What’re you doing here?” I tried to keep my voice flat.
He bit his lower lip and fidgeted, playing with his hands. He was nervous, I knew that. However, I merely walked past him and opened the door, gesturing to him to come in first. He nodded and entered in. He went to the living room and sat on one of the sofas. I took my shoes off and loosened my tie. I went to the living room too and sat across from him. He still had his head bowed down. Really, what was he doing here?
“Saga, I ask you once again: what’re you doing here?” I asked him with a flat tone again.
He sighed and looked up at me.
“I came here to talk to you.” He finally answered.
“About what?”
“Us.”
About us? I thought our relationship was over. Was there something else he wanted to tell me? Did he want to tell me that he wanted to come back to me and call me by name? I sure wished…
“Us? Aren’t we over yet?” I tried to keep my voice steady. I didn’t want to sound eager or anything.
“Yo-you’re claiming us ‘over’?” He stuttered.
“Well, no, but… you haven’t been contacting me for 3 weeks. I thought you were done with me.”
“Well, I have been thinking a lot, so…”
He lowered his head again. Was he going to cry again? No. I had enough pain of watching him cry. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I stood up from the sofa, approaching him and sitting beside him, as I put an arm around him. I didn’t know why he seemed to be drawn into me so much. Was it because of Shou’s heart? I guess not. It was coming from my own heart. I knew that I loved him, very much. Nevertheless, it plainly hurt so much knowing that someone loved you back but not as you. Well, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I would say it one more time to him and I hoped that he understood. I embraced him and leaned my head towards his. His ear was right before my lips, so I decided to whisper those three words again.
“I love you.”
He raised his head up and abruptly looked at me.
“How could you still say that?” He asked with those sad eyes.
“Eh?” I was dumbfounded now.
“How could you still say those words even after I gave you so much pain?” He whispered, more likely to himself. “I will only leave scars on the door to your heart.”
“Saga…”
What was he saying? Was he saying that if he kept staying with me, he would only give pain to my heart? Yes, that may be it.
“Will I know after I swallow the tears that I’ve heaved from inside of me?”
I had no idea how that question popped up in my head. He was confused now, and so was I. What the heck did I just say to him? Was it my conscience, which asked him that? The next action I received from him surprised me a lot. He suddenly launched himself onto me and circled his arms around my neck, hugging me for dear life. He rested his head on my shoulder and began to sob. Okay, what did just happen?
“Sa-Saga? What’s wrong?” I stuttered when I asked that. I was afraid if I hurt him again.
“I… love… you.” He confessed between his sobs.
Wait, did I hear that correctly? Ah, it must be for Shou. There it was again, the pain in my heart. It was acting up again. I let go of him and rested my hands on his shoulders. I stared at him deeply. His face was so beautiful with those tears lingering on his face. I just wanted to kiss those tears away, but I couldn’t. He didn’t belong to me.
“Saga, I know how much you love Shou, and I’m sorry because I’m not him. Please, don’t make it harder to both of us.” I said with a gentle voice, trying not to offend him.
He widened his eyes and took one of my hands. He squeezed it and stared back into my eyes. I could see trust and love within those eyes. What did that mean?
“You got it all wrong. I love you… as Tora.”
What? Did I hear him correctly? He loved me as I was? Oh my God… I didn’t know how to thank God. He finally saw me. He finally said my name… with that sweet voice of his. My eyes were wide and my jaw dropped, but I could feel a smile form on my lips.
“Are you serious?”
Saga nodded and smiled. “I’m serious. After thinking it through, I realised that you’re the one who’ve been taking care of me; and Shou told me in my dreams that I couldn’t be like this forever. He said that you would surely make me happy; and so I thought about it again and he was right. I have been happy with you, Tora. I always am.”
I knew that I was crying now. My eyes were hot and tears of joy caused it. Finally, he admitted to me. I’d been waiting for this, and I was glad that this day finally came.
“I’m glad to hear that.” I whispered to him and hugged him tightly.
“Hold me tight so I won’t go.” He said it straight into my ear.
“I will.” I replied, nodding in agreement.
I hoped I was not dreaming. If it were a dream, then I never wanted to wake up. However, the hot tears that had wetted my shirt told me that this was for real. Saga had finally admitted that he loved me back! This was pure happiness. The pain I had endured wasn’t a vain. I let go of him and cupped his cheeks. He smiled at me sweetly and stared at me with those beautiful eyes of him that were wet with tears. I smiled at him too and leaned into him to kiss him. I finally caught his lips and he kissed me back immediately. I could feel butterflies flying in my stomach. I was so happy that I could have him and love him. I knew that he was too precious to let go. Thank God, and thank you, Shou… for giving me another chance to live and to love a man as perfect as Saga. Someday, I’d thank you properly. Wait for it.
~ Owari ~
Chapter(s) : Oneshot (1/1)
Author : tigerxbutterfly
Rating : PG
Genre : AU, Angst, Romance.
Band(s) : alice nine.
Warning(s) : none.
Pairing(s) : ToraxSaga, ShouxSaga
Disclaimer : If they were mine, I'd prefer to make a movie.
Summary : How does it feels when someone loves you as someone else? Will you keep pretending who they want you to be or... will you rather break it off?
Comments : This is a sequel to Timeless Love by junakabisque.
Tora's POV
I woke up, groaning due to the sunlight that hit my eyes. I rolled onto my side, facing the person who laid next to me, and then I automatically circled my right arm around his waist. I could tell that my forehead was only an inch apart from his. I opened my eyes, just to find his face really close to mine. He was still sleeping peacefully; his facial expression was so calm... and I found it very cute. I smiled upon seeing him like this, but quickly frowned when I remembered that the reason he was here with me was none other than that he saw me as Shou. It had been three months since we got together; well, a year and a half for him because he still thought that he was with Shou. Why couldn’t he realise that I was not him? Why couldn’t he realise that I was Tora? Did he even realise that my heart always broke every time he called me ‘Shou’? I wanted him to accept me, as I was, not as Shou. I patted his head lightly, trying to be careful not to wake him. I sighed and lay back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. My mind drifted back to the scene where I apologised and kissed him after I returned the necklace.
~ Flashback ~
After I released his lips from mine, I stared at him with a slight guilt in my chest. His eyes were still closed, tears falling down onto his face. I frowned and lowered my head.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” I whispered to him.
I could hear him try to stop his tears. I shut my eyes even tighter when the guilt overtook me.
“It’s okay. We can’t do anything about it anymore.” I heard him say that with a cracked voice.
Slowly, I lifted my face up to look at him. To be honest, I was surprised to see him smiling. I saw that his eyes were a bit red from all that crying.
“You mean…” I trailed off.
“Yes, I’ve already forgiven you.” he said with that velvet voice of his.
I couldn’t help but smile and sigh in relief.
○●○●○
Since then, we had become friends. I had always visited him whenever I had time. Since I had already quitted my job as a robber, now I was just an informer for my boss; and I had sworn to myself that I would never commit a sin as I used to, which happened to be killing people. Saga and I would always go to the theatre and have dinner together. We had become close to each other then, though he rarely called me by my name. If he wanted to talk to me, he would always called me ‘Hey’, ‘Ano…’ and ‘Nee…’, but never addressing by my name. I had never really minded, though.
Then, as each day passed by, I began to fall in love with him. Well, actually I had always been in love with him. He was getting so close to me that it made my heart even happier. Every time he flashed that gorgeous smile of his, my heart fluttered. I had always thought that Shou had been very lucky to have him. Now that I thought about it, I was the one who was lucky, having a person’s heart whose lover was so gorgeous.
We had always spent our times like this until that day-the day when I confessed my feelings for him. We had just returned from dinner, and now we were chatting in front of Saga’s flower shop when suddenly, Saga flashed a really sweet and gorgeous smile of his at me. My heart skipped a beat upon seeing that. Then, it began to throb again. I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore. Without me realising it, my hand was already on his shoulder. He stared at me with wide eyes. It was obvious that he was confused and surprised at the same time. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say anything. It was as if his gaze froze me.
“Ano… is your heart hurting again?” He asked hesitantly.
He must have seen my hand clutching my clothed chest. I released my clutching hand and put it on his right shoulder instead. I lowered my head and began to speak.
“Yes, but it’s a different pain now. Unlike the usual.”
“Huh?”
“This pain… is caused… by you.” I lifted my head up to look at him.
“Wh-what?! Why me?” I could see that he was even more confused.
“Because… you’re the one who made me fall in love with you.” I mumbled my reply.
He fell silent; his facial expression still looked confused.
“That’s right, Saga. I’ve fallen in love with you ever since I met you. It wasn’t caused by Shou’s heart. It was caused by my own heart.” I told him that with a serious expression.
Then I stepped closer to him, moving my hand from his shoulder to his waist. I closed the distance between us and locked my lips with his lips. He stood still, and we stayed like that for a while. When he was about to respond to my kiss, I released him and stared into his eyes deeply.
“I love you, Saga.” I finally let out my feelings.
He was surprised. I could see it in his eyes. I bit my lower lip and next thing I saw surprised me. He was smiling at me and then he finally hugged me. OK... now I was the one who was confused. Did that mean he loved me back? He released me and smiled even wider.
“You’re silly, do you know that? I’ve already known that you love me, and I love you too.” He said, cupping my cheeks.
Did I hear him right? He loved me too?
“Seriously?” I asked, a bit surprised.
“Of course!” He smiled and hugged me again.
Wow, that was a relief then. I had never thought that I would be accepted this easily. I hugged him back and tightened our embrace. After I let him go, I kissed his forehead and cupped his cheeks.
“I love you… so much.” I whispered to him.
He giggled and I chuckled.
“I love you too, Shou…” He said shyly.
Wait, what did he call me just now? Shou? Did he still see me as Shou just because I had Shou’s heart?
“Saga… I’m not Shou. I’m Tora.” I reminded him.
My voice obviously sounded hurt and disappointed. Saga froze and stared at me with a bewildered look. Then he laughed lightly.
“But this is your heartbeat, Shou.” He rested his palm and head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
“I may have Shou’s heart, but I’m Tora. Shou has died. Please, accept the reality.” I pleaded to him.
Wasn’t he aware of the pain that I was heaving in my chest? Then he laughed again. I rolled my eyes in disbelief.
“You’re funny, Shou.” He said as he hugged me again.
~ End of Flashback ~
I was brought back to reality when I felt the bed move. I tilted my head to the side and watched Saga tossing his head from side to side, attempting to wake up. He finally stopped and opened his eyes slowly. He smiled and put one hand under his head.
“Morning, angel.” I whispered to him.
“Morning too, handsome.” He greeted me back, giggling.
That cute giggle of his always succeeded making me want to hug him and never let him go. Nevertheless, of course I restrained myself from doing so. It would probably surprise him with an endless confuse.
“Are you working today?” He asked as he sat up.
“You know I have to.” I answered. “Are you alright now?” I asked as I pressed my forehead onto his, checking his temperature.
“I’m all right.” He smiled and drew back. “I’ll go make breakfast now.”
I watched him get off the bed and rush in to the bathroom. He scratched his head whilst doing so, wrinkling his oversized pyjamas. After he left the room, I sat up and sighed heavily. Last night had been dreadful. I overworked myself and came home, only to receive a bad news that I would never want to hear. Saga was burning up all night; therefore, I had to stay here to take care of him. Good thing the fever managed to subside at two in the morning. That was how I ended up sleeping beside him now.
I scratched my clothed chest and glanced at the clock. I had two hours for getting myself ready to go to work. I got off the bed and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a shower. After I was finished, I wrapped a towel around my waist and changed to my working outfit. I exited the room after I looked presentable enough. I went to the kitchen and found that Saga was just finished preparing our breakfast. I approached the table and smiled at him. After he placed the plates, he looked up and smiled back at me.
“Your favourite.” He said.
I merely smiled, though my heart was aching. It wasn’t my favourite. It was Shou’s. I didn’t know how to make him realise that I was not Shou. Why was he still living in denial? Wasn’t he over it already? Why did it seem like he still couldn’t let Shou go? I never really understood why, but I was still trying to. We sat around the table and started eating our breakfast. After we were done, I walked to the front door, putting my shoes on. Then he suddenly came and gave me a plastic bag. A sandwich for my lunch, I thought to myself. I thanked him and kissed him on the forehead. He said ‘take care’ and waved at me. I said them back and opened the door, exiting his house. Walking to my car, which was parked right outside his house, I got in and started the engine, driving away to my workplace.
○●○●○
Entering the building, I was quickly greeted by my boss. I greeted him back and continued walking to my office. Putting the plastic bag on the table, I leaned back against my chair and caught sight of a folder, which lay next to my computer. I opened it and felt the guilt building up again. It was the personal information of Shou, which I had taken from my private library. It was the latest record and would be the very last record of my victims. That was when a realisation suddenly hit me. Did Saga know that I was the one who killed Shou? I had never asked him that up until this moment. I was honestly afraid of his response. What if Saga had already read it on my face when I asked him? Would he leave me? I never wanted that to happen. I loved him, and I couldn’t be away from him. Yet, at the same time, I didn’t want to hide anything from him and let him date his own lover’s killer, who happened to be me. Dilemma seemed to overtake me. This was what I hated when I killed people: feeling the guilt. Nevertheless, this guilt was far greater than the one I felt for my other victims. What should I do?
Suddenly, the door opened and I abruptly put the folder inside my drawer. I sighed in relief when I saw that it was Hiroto who came in. He had put his bulletproof vest and gloves on, ready to go on a mission again. It was ironic, how I used to love that outfit before but now, I felt disgusted just by seeing it. I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because that certain outfit reminded me of my past life, that I had committed so many sins. I turned my computer on and typed the password to log in. I knew that Hiroto came here to ask me the information about the next target they were going to kill. I analyzed my data and found the target’s personal information.
“Yokogawa Ryoji.” I informed the name to him.
He sat on the chair across from my table and stared at me.
“What?” I asked uninterestingly.
“Something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answered flatly.
“Liar.”
His gaze had turned into an annoying one. I sighed and rolled my eyes, hating the fact that I was never good at hiding things from him.
“Dilemma.” I said that without looking at him, my eyes fixed on the computer screen.
“About?”
“Whether I should tell Saga or not that I’m the one who killed his lover.”
Yes. Hiroto knew everything because I always confided in him about my problems. I knew I couldn’t bottle things up. I needed someone to rely on so that I could take advices. Hiroto was a good adviser. He helped me get through the problem about Saga, who still called me by his old lover’s name. Although honestly, I wasn’t over it yet, because I was still feeling bothered by it. What should I do to stop him from calling me Shou and to make him see me as myself? I never got an answer to that. I sighed again and heard Hiroto speak.
“So, you didn’t tell him?”
I shook my head. How was I supposed to tell him if deep down, I was scared to death that he would leave me?
“Why?”
Should I tell him?
“I’m afraid he’d leave me.”
There, I said it. I felt stupid by saying that, by showing my weakness to Hiroto where I used to be the strongest one. Then he told me that honesty would lead me to happiness. Did that mean if I told the truth to Saga, he wouldn’t leave me? Still, I was scared. Yet, at the same time, I was also tired of hearing him call me Shou. I was tired of waiting until he would see me as I was. I didn’t want to force him to love me if he still saw me as Shou. I wanted to be loved by him as Tora, and I thought it was about time to tell him… to tell him everything.
○●○●○
I paced back and forth in front of Saga’s house, hesitating whether I should tell him now or not. I was quite sure that I was ready, but why did my heart race so badly all of a sudden? Was he going to leave me? I messed up my hair and sighed in frustration, screaming a bit. I was startled when the front door suddenly opened, revealing Saga wearing his casual clothes.
“Shou? Why didn’t you knock? How long have you been out there?”
I mumbled ‘not long’ and he invited me to come in. I took off my shoes and followed him to the living room, sitting on the couch beside him. We stayed silent for what seemed like ages. I could feel my forehead sweating. My mind was occupied by the same question repeatedly: should I tell him or not? That was when I finally made my decision. I knew that I was tired of all of this but I had always been denying it. Now, I was sure I could do this. I wanted to end this dilemma, this guilt, and this pain. I was ready to be abandoned by Saga. Yes. There was no turning back now.
I turned to my side to face Saga who was reading a magazine. I put both of my hands on Saga’s shoulder to get his attention. He blinked and looked up, staring at me confusedly. I stared back deep into his eyes. His eyes were wide and surprised. He must have seen the sad look I held within my eyes. I hugged him tightly and whispered to him.
“Saga… I have something to tell you. Something big…”
My voice was cracked. I could feel him tense and hesitatingly wrap his arms around mine. This was the time. I had to say it. I was going to accept anything that would happen, no matter what.
“I… I’m the one who killed… Shou.” I confessed.
I couldn’t hold back the tears that had been pooling in my eyes anymore and started sobbing quietly. I could feel his body become tense, probably because he was surprised. He pulled back abruptly.
“What?”
I bit my lower lip and bowed my head. I couldn’t look at him on the face.
“You’re joking, right?” He chuckled nervously. “How could you say that you killed yourself? You’re right here with me, Shou.”
“For God’s Sake, I’m not Shou, Saga! I’m Tora! Why can’t you stop living in denial?!”
I snapped at him. I could see him flinch because of the loudness of my voice. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Shou is dead, Saga! Accept it! I may have his heart, but it doesn’t mean that I’m him! Open your eyes and see me, Saga! Clear your mind and see who I really am!”
Saga froze and stared at me. It seemed like he had finally opened his eyes. I could see the tears pooling in his eyes and before I knew it, he began sobbing. He kept calling Shou’s name. There it was again, the pain in my chest, which felt ten times greater than ever. I clutched my clothed chest and fell onto the floor. Saga got down from the couch and patted my back, lifting me to sit back on the couch again. He went to the kitchen and brought a glass of water. I took the water and took a sip. I put it down and felt better.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, thanks…”
Silence fell between us. I really didn’t know what else to say, after I yelled and snapped at him. I felt guilty again. Nevertheless, I felt much better after letting out my pressure all of these past few months. I hoped that he understood my pain every time he called me by that name. I hoped I could open his eyes by doing this. Nevertheless, if he decided to leave me, then I’d have to accept it. I didn’t deserve to be loved by him. A killer like me didn’t deserve to be loved by someone with a pure, innocent heart. However, why did God give me his lover’s heart? Why didn’t God just take my life away? I knew that there had to be a reason. But what was it? To replace Shou and take care of Saga in the rest of my life? I knew I wanted this at first, but now I knew that it hurt me more instead. To be loved by someone who didn’t see you as yourself but somebody else. I cried and suddenly, a sentence popped up in my mind.
“You call for me for you are yearning.” I said it loud enough for Saga to hear.
Saga looked up at me. His tears hadn’t stopped flowing. I wiped away the tears off his face and cupped his cheeks. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this.
“I was always calling for him. I would have never expected that he would come back in his killer’s body.” He whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t plan all of this.” I whispered back to him.
He kept crying. I didn’t know what to do. However, instead of doing nothing, I held him in my arms. Maybe this was the right time to tell him. If he wanted to be with me, then he must accept me, as I was and not as Shou. No. I knew this was selfish but I had been keeping this pain long enough and I couldn’t stand it anymore. He finally stopped crying and stared into my eyes. I couldn’t stare into those eyes anymore. I had to end this; or else, it would just hurt the both of us.
“Saga, I have to go,” I whispered to him.
My voice sounded hurt, but this was the only way. I knew I would lose him and I knew I would worry about him too much if he were alone. However, this was the only way. I was sure he could find a better man than I was. I let go of him and was ready to go but his hand clung on mine. I stopped and turned to look at him.
“No. Please, don’t go. Stay with me.” He pleaded.
He began to cry again and I couldn’t stand to watch that face. I had to tell him the reason. It was up to him to decide. I crouched in front of him and cupped his face, staring deep into his eyes and it looked like I reached his core.
“Listen,” My voice was soft. “If you want me to stay with you forever, you have to accept me as I am, Saga. You have no idea how much pain you’ve caused in me every time you call me by that name.”
He widened his eyes. It seemed like I had made him realise. That was good then. I wanted him to realise from the beginning, but it was hard. He always changed the subject whenever I tried to talk to him about this. I knew that he was confused. Nevertheless, I let him be. It was up to him to decide. All I could do was to wait and if he would never come back into my life, it meant that it was over for us. I caressed his cheek for the last time and let go of him. I mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ and walked towards the front door. I heard faint sobs. However, I couldn’t go back. This was the best for the both of us…
○●○●○
I woke up from my nap and groaned when my I felt a slight pain on my neck. Another working overtime at the office. I should have paid attention more to my health, but I couldn’t help but kept working to forget what had happened all these past few months. It had been 3 weeks since I left Saga, and he never called me or even visited my house. It meant that he was really leaving me. I was ready, though I knew that it hurt me so much. Although it was not as hurt as when I was loved by someone who didn’t see me as myself. I finally gave up on him. I wondered how he was doing though. I hoped he was okay. Leaving him in such state that time worried me a little. What if he stressed out and ended up in the hospital? No. That would never happen. Saga was a strong man and I knew he could survive. I stretched my neck and turned my computer off. I thought it was time for me to go home. I had been here for 14 hours, so I thought it was enough for me. I had to rest.
After parking the car on the garage, I left there and went to the front door. Then I saw someone there, standing in front of my door. I thought he was lost in thoughts whether he should knock on the door or not. I walked closer and gasped when I saw those brown hair reflected by the neon light that was place on the canopy, which hovered over my front door. What was he doing here? Didn’t he want to see me again? Was he here to tell me that it was over for us?
My mind and heart began to race. I walked slowly towards him and stopped right behind his back. He had his head bowed down, his left hand touching his chin as if he was deep in thoughts. I coughed, signalling to him about my presence and making sure not to startle him. However, it seemed like I had failed. I saw him gasp and turn to me abruptly. He looked at me with those wide, surprised eyes whilst I looked at him with a confused gaze. His presence here really made me wonder. That was when I decided to ask him.
“What’re you doing here?” I tried to keep my voice flat.
He bit his lower lip and fidgeted, playing with his hands. He was nervous, I knew that. However, I merely walked past him and opened the door, gesturing to him to come in first. He nodded and entered in. He went to the living room and sat on one of the sofas. I took my shoes off and loosened my tie. I went to the living room too and sat across from him. He still had his head bowed down. Really, what was he doing here?
“Saga, I ask you once again: what’re you doing here?” I asked him with a flat tone again.
He sighed and looked up at me.
“I came here to talk to you.” He finally answered.
“About what?”
“Us.”
About us? I thought our relationship was over. Was there something else he wanted to tell me? Did he want to tell me that he wanted to come back to me and call me by name? I sure wished…
“Us? Aren’t we over yet?” I tried to keep my voice steady. I didn’t want to sound eager or anything.
“Yo-you’re claiming us ‘over’?” He stuttered.
“Well, no, but… you haven’t been contacting me for 3 weeks. I thought you were done with me.”
“Well, I have been thinking a lot, so…”
He lowered his head again. Was he going to cry again? No. I had enough pain of watching him cry. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I stood up from the sofa, approaching him and sitting beside him, as I put an arm around him. I didn’t know why he seemed to be drawn into me so much. Was it because of Shou’s heart? I guess not. It was coming from my own heart. I knew that I loved him, very much. Nevertheless, it plainly hurt so much knowing that someone loved you back but not as you. Well, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I would say it one more time to him and I hoped that he understood. I embraced him and leaned my head towards his. His ear was right before my lips, so I decided to whisper those three words again.
“I love you.”
He raised his head up and abruptly looked at me.
“How could you still say that?” He asked with those sad eyes.
“Eh?” I was dumbfounded now.
“How could you still say those words even after I gave you so much pain?” He whispered, more likely to himself. “I will only leave scars on the door to your heart.”
“Saga…”
What was he saying? Was he saying that if he kept staying with me, he would only give pain to my heart? Yes, that may be it.
“Will I know after I swallow the tears that I’ve heaved from inside of me?”
I had no idea how that question popped up in my head. He was confused now, and so was I. What the heck did I just say to him? Was it my conscience, which asked him that? The next action I received from him surprised me a lot. He suddenly launched himself onto me and circled his arms around my neck, hugging me for dear life. He rested his head on my shoulder and began to sob. Okay, what did just happen?
“Sa-Saga? What’s wrong?” I stuttered when I asked that. I was afraid if I hurt him again.
“I… love… you.” He confessed between his sobs.
Wait, did I hear that correctly? Ah, it must be for Shou. There it was again, the pain in my heart. It was acting up again. I let go of him and rested my hands on his shoulders. I stared at him deeply. His face was so beautiful with those tears lingering on his face. I just wanted to kiss those tears away, but I couldn’t. He didn’t belong to me.
“Saga, I know how much you love Shou, and I’m sorry because I’m not him. Please, don’t make it harder to both of us.” I said with a gentle voice, trying not to offend him.
He widened his eyes and took one of my hands. He squeezed it and stared back into my eyes. I could see trust and love within those eyes. What did that mean?
“You got it all wrong. I love you… as Tora.”
What? Did I hear him correctly? He loved me as I was? Oh my God… I didn’t know how to thank God. He finally saw me. He finally said my name… with that sweet voice of his. My eyes were wide and my jaw dropped, but I could feel a smile form on my lips.
“Are you serious?”
Saga nodded and smiled. “I’m serious. After thinking it through, I realised that you’re the one who’ve been taking care of me; and Shou told me in my dreams that I couldn’t be like this forever. He said that you would surely make me happy; and so I thought about it again and he was right. I have been happy with you, Tora. I always am.”
I knew that I was crying now. My eyes were hot and tears of joy caused it. Finally, he admitted to me. I’d been waiting for this, and I was glad that this day finally came.
“I’m glad to hear that.” I whispered to him and hugged him tightly.
“Hold me tight so I won’t go.” He said it straight into my ear.
“I will.” I replied, nodding in agreement.
I hoped I was not dreaming. If it were a dream, then I never wanted to wake up. However, the hot tears that had wetted my shirt told me that this was for real. Saga had finally admitted that he loved me back! This was pure happiness. The pain I had endured wasn’t a vain. I let go of him and cupped his cheeks. He smiled at me sweetly and stared at me with those beautiful eyes of him that were wet with tears. I smiled at him too and leaned into him to kiss him. I finally caught his lips and he kissed me back immediately. I could feel butterflies flying in my stomach. I was so happy that I could have him and love him. I knew that he was too precious to let go. Thank God, and thank you, Shou… for giving me another chance to live and to love a man as perfect as Saga. Someday, I’d thank you properly. Wait for it.
~ Owari ~