Crying...I just wish they were happy tears
I just want stability in my life
Why do I fucking get like this once my life is what I wanted... it is never enough. I can love my job and have the best friends ever, but I still get so fucking depressed. I am happy with my family, I am comfortable at school, I am looking forward to vacation, My job is still awesome, but I am still depressed. Why can't I just be happy for me? It is like I can't be happy when things are going great... when things get bad, then start to look up, I am happy, but as soon as they get to that top peak where I am teetering between going up and falling down, I get sad and fall fast. I don't mean to be depressing... it is just who I am. One day I am going to be happy... I just don't know what I think is missing from my life? As soon as I find that one thing I am sure that I will get out of this cycle... at least the happy moments are increasing and there are less depressive ditches to climb out of. I just want to find what is missing... I think that I might know what it is, but I don't think that I am ready to deal with it... I mean I once had it, but I don't trust myself anymore. How can I know for sure that it is what I am missing? There is too much logic that keeps me away, and I feel like a total hypocrite. Fuck this. I am going to be happy by tomorrow... and if not I am going to fake it so well that I will fool myself. I just hope that I don't do anything stupid to make myself happy.
This is a black day in my life... I really do not believe anymore... and that makes me sadder than anything else.
Why do I fucking get like this once my life is what I wanted... it is never enough. I can love my job and have the best friends ever, but I still get so fucking depressed. I am happy with my family, I am comfortable at school, I am looking forward to vacation, My job is still awesome, but I am still depressed. Why can't I just be happy for me? It is like I can't be happy when things are going great... when things get bad, then start to look up, I am happy, but as soon as they get to that top peak where I am teetering between going up and falling down, I get sad and fall fast. I don't mean to be depressing... it is just who I am. One day I am going to be happy... I just don't know what I think is missing from my life? As soon as I find that one thing I am sure that I will get out of this cycle... at least the happy moments are increasing and there are less depressive ditches to climb out of. I just want to find what is missing... I think that I might know what it is, but I don't think that I am ready to deal with it... I mean I once had it, but I don't trust myself anymore. How can I know for sure that it is what I am missing? There is too much logic that keeps me away, and I feel like a total hypocrite. Fuck this. I am going to be happy by tomorrow... and if not I am going to fake it so well that I will fool myself. I just hope that I don't do anything stupid to make myself happy.
This is a black day in my life... I really do not believe anymore... and that makes me sadder than anything else.