Brigits_Flame Entry
brigits_flame week 3 entry (only the 2nd time I've reached week 3 if I get in) is a french word "depaysment" which has to do with disorientation and disillusionment. Back to poetry!
Title: Bedroom
Rating: PG
Word count: 246
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( Some poetry for you! )
Title: Bedroom
Rating: PG
Word count: 246
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( Some poetry for you! )
Now, what is all this about a gentle edit? This is some good stuff you have here! You should not be afraid. I will honor your request, but be proud of your work! This has the guts to stand up to a lot more, so give yourself credit for your talent!
First of all, this was a very tough prompt, and for you to tackle it with poetry makes it even harder. Kudos to you for facing that challenge head-on! And look at what you accomplished: a setting rich with emotion. It had a very Gothic feel, which is always enjoyable for verse, particularly something with a romantic or love-lost tone, so I think you made a wise choice in that direction, as well. You know your strengths and you used them well.
One problem with a poem in this structure is repetition, and I noticed some recurring words, like "shards". It is difficult to merge the same word seamlessly with this sort of meter, and repetition, as a deliberate device, is best used in a different style. But you had a varied vocabulary that really brought texture to the piece.
The only other thing I would urge caution about is not to veer too close to melodrama. This type of piece has a lot going on, and it is easy to get carried away in the action. I think you did well, it is just a thought to bear in mind for the future!
Some lines that were particularly evocative were:
The heart is too far gone, half asleep ...
The world evaporates, the rim of the mirror standing resolute
Oooh, you're giving me chills! And of course that last line is worth a million right there at the close.
In short, I am so pleased to see an entry of poetry from you this week. It is always welcome, and I hope that you continue in your efforts. I know that it can be a little disheartening if the general public does not appreciate it as much, but there are those of us out there who do, and we love it enough x3 for the rest of the crowd. So a big thank you from the poetry lovers crowd to you for doing a great job, and keep up the good work!
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I really do feel that this is top shelf work and I'm glad it can be appreciated. Thanks again!
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