Cricket
This is going to be super lame and cheesy and probably borderline disgusting, but I have to get all 12 years old and gush to my online journal because I have come to the realization that as of late I don't really have any local people that I can rely on to actually talk to about these kinds of things and I feel the need to work through some of these thoughts and maybe putting them down will help make more sense out of some of it. Plus my LiveJournal is kind of a joke now anyway, so whatevs.
So it has been over four years since my last relationship [first week of April 2005 is when we broke up] and since then things in that arena have been pretty much nonexistent. I made a conscious effort to not date the following school year so that I could focus on making new friends and doing better in school and getting my life back on track. And that was reasonably successful. At that point, I definitely felt like I had come to a point where I was over the relationship that so consumed my freshmen year. It was summer and I was going back to my second year at Cedar Point where I became friends with someone from the town and we had a nice little summer fling type thing, but it certainly wasn't any sort of real relationship as we knew things weren't going to continue after the summer. It was fun and it was lovely but we were very different people and it would never have been some meaningful-type thing anyway. So there was that.
The rest of my schooling continued a *very* limited streak of first dates and a complete lack of second dates, some because I wasn't really feeling it, but mostly because i never ended up hearing back from the other person despite feeling some sort of chemistry and having a really enjoyable time. I was still trying to find my footing in school though [something that I don't think ever really happened, and something I'm still trying to find] and it wasn't something I could afford to put lots of time and energy into [even though I think i was ultimately unsuccessful in that and ended up dwelling on it much more than I should have/would like to admit]. I think my final two years at Miami were way too overcome with despondency and angst which is really ridiculous and immature, but whatever. it's over and done with. That last relationship had really played havoc on me in a wide variety of ways that I still seem to be uncovering.
So we come to today. Or, rather about a month ago. It has been 4 years since my last relationship, there is some internet activity happening, but not really anything too exciting and not really anything that ends up turning out to be anything. But then I get a message that changed everything. It was a simple message, but also complimentary. He called me adorable and kind of rambled a bit and it was cute. I ended up responding back with a ridiculously long and even more rambly message. That continued for a while. Until he let me know that he had started going on a couple of dates with someone and while it wasn't anything official, he wanted to see where it went and wasn't into dating more than one person at once. Which I totally get and wouldn't want any part of that anyway. So I was sad because we seemed to hit it off as much as two people who hadn't met possibly could. But very shortly thereafter he messaged me again telling me that things weren't going how he thought they would with this other person and we continued our long and rambly flirtations until we met.
It's going to sound completely ridiculous but I was very comfortable right from the start. I'm usually shy and quiet and quite awkward when meeting new people, but we instantly hit it off and I was completely overwhelmed by how attracted to him I was. We had a great day. We spent a lot of time at an arcade playing random games and shooting dinosaurs and yelling things at the top of our lungs in excitement and passion at the dinosaurs we were killing at the arcade. We also spent a lot of time just walking around and talking. I feel as though I probably had never had such a fulfilling conversation in my entire life. We talked about everything and nothing at all. We had no problem conversing back and forth and there was a lot of laughing and there was a lot of deep conversation that I would never expect to be talking about with someone I didn't really know. But it was mutual and he was even more surprised by it than I was. But it worked. We had a simple kiss goodnight and that was that.
But now, the real point is that shortly afterwards, after spending more time together we decided to make it 'official.' And somehow I find myself with a boyfriend feeling things that I have never felt before and not really feeling like there are people I can share this with. But I really really want to. So many of my friends have never known me to be in a relationship, and it's a different experience. It's a great thing that we have and I'm still completely in shock by it. It was completely unexpected and it happened all so quickly, but it feels right and this is the first time I have ever been completely confident that the feelings between me and another person are completely mutual.
His name is Ed, or Eddie, or Edward, or lately I've been calling him Cricket. I'm not entirely sure why, actually. He's 27 years old [I've always
seemed to have a thing for guys a little older than me....they're just so much more put together and mature]. He's a little shorter than me [which I really love], dark haired, hazel eyes, usually rather scruffy, we have very similar senses of humor and we tend to laugh a lot. Despite him being a little older than me, I feel like we really relate to each other because we still happen to be in pretty similar stages in life right now. He has had a tumultuous history, especially towards the end of high school and the following years in which he was essentially on his own and didn't have the support of his family, so his schooling has been a little delayed. He has finished his major in Economics [which knowing how he's really more of an artsy person I still find rather intriguiging and kind of funny--he loves to draw and write. He write's A LOT and it's quite good] and he will be finishing up a minor in Linguistics at the end of the fall semester at U of M. He's intelligent. We have a similar taste in movies. He's really passionate about music. We don't listen to the same music, really, but we're equally passionate and I think that's the important part. And our music isn't so different that there isn't some compatibility. He's also a reader, which I can't help but find attractive. I have met a lot of his friends, and they are some seriously incredibly delightful people. And they seem to really like me, which is important and fantastic and we get along really well. He's a cat person [big bonus points!] and likes to cook and bake. It seems really easy for us to be able to have a really good time while in each other's company, no matter what we're doing. And how comfortable we are with each other just completely blows my mind.
He has a good friend currently living in Chicago. He was planning on visiting her at the end of the month so they could go to Chicago Pride together, but it happens to also be my birthday, so now I think for my birthday I'm going to be whisked away to a city I love [and I'm going to force him to see The Neo-Futurists with me because they are AMAZING and i miss them and I'm sure he will love just as much as I do] and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say this will be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Especially considering last year my birthday consisted entirely of doing laundry and talking to myself.
Trips can also be a dealbreaker though I have learned. Earlier this year there was someone I had gone on a couple of dates with and we got along well enough [it never felt like this though] and then I had to go down to Miami to get some books and I got to visit with some friends which was lovely. But since that trip we haven't really talked again. He just kind of disappeared. It was a bit of a disaster. I'm not entirely sure why, but it became very apparent that there was no way we could spend that much time together and the ways in which we were different became very very clear. Ed is not someone that would disappear, I'm not worried about that. But at that point we will still have not known each other a terribly long time and it seems possible maybe some red flags will appear. I kind of don't think so, though. I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I'm really excited about the possibility. [except that we really wanted to take the train, but damn! that shit is expensive! america really needs to hop on the public transportation bandwagon, so i'll probably just drive.]
And while things between us seems really great and in this really scary way, kind of 'perfect,' I do have my own internal worries. I feel that a lot of what I'm going through now with Ed mirrors so much of the beginning of my previous relationship. Things started really fast and there was very much this mutual admiration and attraction for each other. I was kind of on my own and relied on him for friends and the entirety of my social circle. I ended up becoming way too dependent so that when things started to go awry, I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I was ignoring my other responsibilities so that we could spend more time together, and I fear what might result if this repeats itself again. I really can't imagine Ed cheating on me, though. But I also would never have expected that from Bill. I did definitely learn things from that experience though and I can't say that I'm entirely ignoring all of that. There have already been a couple of occassions where we both had off the same days and resorted to not hanging out so that we could get some work done. But neither one of us ended up really accomplishing anything and we talked for hours and hours [this STILL blows my mind. I can't recall ever having a phone conversation longer than like...10 minutes]. So this kind of stuff still kind of worries me. I know I can't repeat what happened with Bill. I can't become too dependent on him for a social life and I can't get so caught up on that aspect of life that I forget about everything else I want to do with my life. Much like freshmen year at university, this is a very tenuous time of my life. Things are changing and decisions need to be made. I still want to move out west in the fall, but finding a job is proving very very difficult as one might expect. Ed knows that I want to move out there. And it would be hard because he's not going to be available to make the same move. But, if things are still going well as I expect them to, it's not completely out of the question. He'll be done with school in december and his lease runs out in january so it seems possible he could potentially make such a move himself. He doesn't really seem all that tied down to michigan, anyway. But I guess that's a lot of ifs.
This is completely ridiculous and probably isn't stuff that should just be made available so easily online, but I really felt the need to 'talk' through some of this stuff. I'm really excited about the possibilities and I hope things turn out well. I have no idea why anyone would be reading this, but if you are, thanks. i do think i feel better getting all of this out there. I'm just really excited, and i don't want to have to hold this kind of stuff in anymore.
So it has been over four years since my last relationship [first week of April 2005 is when we broke up] and since then things in that arena have been pretty much nonexistent. I made a conscious effort to not date the following school year so that I could focus on making new friends and doing better in school and getting my life back on track. And that was reasonably successful. At that point, I definitely felt like I had come to a point where I was over the relationship that so consumed my freshmen year. It was summer and I was going back to my second year at Cedar Point where I became friends with someone from the town and we had a nice little summer fling type thing, but it certainly wasn't any sort of real relationship as we knew things weren't going to continue after the summer. It was fun and it was lovely but we were very different people and it would never have been some meaningful-type thing anyway. So there was that.
The rest of my schooling continued a *very* limited streak of first dates and a complete lack of second dates, some because I wasn't really feeling it, but mostly because i never ended up hearing back from the other person despite feeling some sort of chemistry and having a really enjoyable time. I was still trying to find my footing in school though [something that I don't think ever really happened, and something I'm still trying to find] and it wasn't something I could afford to put lots of time and energy into [even though I think i was ultimately unsuccessful in that and ended up dwelling on it much more than I should have/would like to admit]. I think my final two years at Miami were way too overcome with despondency and angst which is really ridiculous and immature, but whatever. it's over and done with. That last relationship had really played havoc on me in a wide variety of ways that I still seem to be uncovering.
So we come to today. Or, rather about a month ago. It has been 4 years since my last relationship, there is some internet activity happening, but not really anything too exciting and not really anything that ends up turning out to be anything. But then I get a message that changed everything. It was a simple message, but also complimentary. He called me adorable and kind of rambled a bit and it was cute. I ended up responding back with a ridiculously long and even more rambly message. That continued for a while. Until he let me know that he had started going on a couple of dates with someone and while it wasn't anything official, he wanted to see where it went and wasn't into dating more than one person at once. Which I totally get and wouldn't want any part of that anyway. So I was sad because we seemed to hit it off as much as two people who hadn't met possibly could. But very shortly thereafter he messaged me again telling me that things weren't going how he thought they would with this other person and we continued our long and rambly flirtations until we met.
It's going to sound completely ridiculous but I was very comfortable right from the start. I'm usually shy and quiet and quite awkward when meeting new people, but we instantly hit it off and I was completely overwhelmed by how attracted to him I was. We had a great day. We spent a lot of time at an arcade playing random games and shooting dinosaurs and yelling things at the top of our lungs in excitement and passion at the dinosaurs we were killing at the arcade. We also spent a lot of time just walking around and talking. I feel as though I probably had never had such a fulfilling conversation in my entire life. We talked about everything and nothing at all. We had no problem conversing back and forth and there was a lot of laughing and there was a lot of deep conversation that I would never expect to be talking about with someone I didn't really know. But it was mutual and he was even more surprised by it than I was. But it worked. We had a simple kiss goodnight and that was that.
But now, the real point is that shortly afterwards, after spending more time together we decided to make it 'official.' And somehow I find myself with a boyfriend feeling things that I have never felt before and not really feeling like there are people I can share this with. But I really really want to. So many of my friends have never known me to be in a relationship, and it's a different experience. It's a great thing that we have and I'm still completely in shock by it. It was completely unexpected and it happened all so quickly, but it feels right and this is the first time I have ever been completely confident that the feelings between me and another person are completely mutual.
His name is Ed, or Eddie, or Edward, or lately I've been calling him Cricket. I'm not entirely sure why, actually. He's 27 years old [I've always
seemed to have a thing for guys a little older than me....they're just so much more put together and mature]. He's a little shorter than me [which I really love], dark haired, hazel eyes, usually rather scruffy, we have very similar senses of humor and we tend to laugh a lot. Despite him being a little older than me, I feel like we really relate to each other because we still happen to be in pretty similar stages in life right now. He has had a tumultuous history, especially towards the end of high school and the following years in which he was essentially on his own and didn't have the support of his family, so his schooling has been a little delayed. He has finished his major in Economics [which knowing how he's really more of an artsy person I still find rather intriguiging and kind of funny--he loves to draw and write. He write's A LOT and it's quite good] and he will be finishing up a minor in Linguistics at the end of the fall semester at U of M. He's intelligent. We have a similar taste in movies. He's really passionate about music. We don't listen to the same music, really, but we're equally passionate and I think that's the important part. And our music isn't so different that there isn't some compatibility. He's also a reader, which I can't help but find attractive. I have met a lot of his friends, and they are some seriously incredibly delightful people. And they seem to really like me, which is important and fantastic and we get along really well. He's a cat person [big bonus points!] and likes to cook and bake. It seems really easy for us to be able to have a really good time while in each other's company, no matter what we're doing. And how comfortable we are with each other just completely blows my mind.
He has a good friend currently living in Chicago. He was planning on visiting her at the end of the month so they could go to Chicago Pride together, but it happens to also be my birthday, so now I think for my birthday I'm going to be whisked away to a city I love [and I'm going to force him to see The Neo-Futurists with me because they are AMAZING and i miss them and I'm sure he will love just as much as I do] and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say this will be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Especially considering last year my birthday consisted entirely of doing laundry and talking to myself.
Trips can also be a dealbreaker though I have learned. Earlier this year there was someone I had gone on a couple of dates with and we got along well enough [it never felt like this though] and then I had to go down to Miami to get some books and I got to visit with some friends which was lovely. But since that trip we haven't really talked again. He just kind of disappeared. It was a bit of a disaster. I'm not entirely sure why, but it became very apparent that there was no way we could spend that much time together and the ways in which we were different became very very clear. Ed is not someone that would disappear, I'm not worried about that. But at that point we will still have not known each other a terribly long time and it seems possible maybe some red flags will appear. I kind of don't think so, though. I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I'm really excited about the possibility. [except that we really wanted to take the train, but damn! that shit is expensive! america really needs to hop on the public transportation bandwagon, so i'll probably just drive.]
And while things between us seems really great and in this really scary way, kind of 'perfect,' I do have my own internal worries. I feel that a lot of what I'm going through now with Ed mirrors so much of the beginning of my previous relationship. Things started really fast and there was very much this mutual admiration and attraction for each other. I was kind of on my own and relied on him for friends and the entirety of my social circle. I ended up becoming way too dependent so that when things started to go awry, I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I was ignoring my other responsibilities so that we could spend more time together, and I fear what might result if this repeats itself again. I really can't imagine Ed cheating on me, though. But I also would never have expected that from Bill. I did definitely learn things from that experience though and I can't say that I'm entirely ignoring all of that. There have already been a couple of occassions where we both had off the same days and resorted to not hanging out so that we could get some work done. But neither one of us ended up really accomplishing anything and we talked for hours and hours [this STILL blows my mind. I can't recall ever having a phone conversation longer than like...10 minutes]. So this kind of stuff still kind of worries me. I know I can't repeat what happened with Bill. I can't become too dependent on him for a social life and I can't get so caught up on that aspect of life that I forget about everything else I want to do with my life. Much like freshmen year at university, this is a very tenuous time of my life. Things are changing and decisions need to be made. I still want to move out west in the fall, but finding a job is proving very very difficult as one might expect. Ed knows that I want to move out there. And it would be hard because he's not going to be available to make the same move. But, if things are still going well as I expect them to, it's not completely out of the question. He'll be done with school in december and his lease runs out in january so it seems possible he could potentially make such a move himself. He doesn't really seem all that tied down to michigan, anyway. But I guess that's a lot of ifs.
This is completely ridiculous and probably isn't stuff that should just be made available so easily online, but I really felt the need to 'talk' through some of this stuff. I'm really excited about the possibilities and I hope things turn out well. I have no idea why anyone would be reading this, but if you are, thanks. i do think i feel better getting all of this out there. I'm just really excited, and i don't want to have to hold this kind of stuff in anymore.