(no subject)
Been a long time since I've posted anything. I guess it's because no one even reads my posts anymore. XD I have one friend here and I live with her so I'm sure she doesn't really want to hear everything I've already whined about all over again.
I have this invitation sitting next to me. It's just staring at me, looking like a model in the SoHo area. It's almost taunting me. "Hey, look at me. I"m money. I'm class and you'll never achieve this." Not only that but it's a wedding invitation.
It's funny because when Vanessa and CJ got married, I was unphased. It didn't seem to bother me or make me feel weird at all. Now I have this pretty little invite from a guy I have known since we were like 6 and I'm totally wigged out. I suddenly feel like I"m out of the loop. I'm going to be the crazy cat lady for life. Not that I'd mind toting around a shot gun and screaming at kids on my lawn, but something about this just makes me cringe. At the same time I'm happy. Happy he found this girl and that now they're going to get married. Lord knows, he deserves it. After his mother died rather horribly a few years back it's like I imagine it will help heal things. (I am by no means an expert on his life. XD We just recently got back in touch after many years of not having a clue where he was.)
I guess it's weird to me because he was my first real love. >_> I'm admitting this now to the world for the first time. When we were little, we were inseparable and I was convinced I'd marry him. We even agreed it would be our second marriages. XD I had all these crazy plans when I was younger on how to get him to be my boyfriend. And when I say young, we're talking under 10. XD Yeah, I was early at dreaming up my married life. But now he's just a guy I kinda know. I really wish I was as clost to him as I used to be, but people change. I just always have the need to return to what we were no matter who it is. So now I just strive to occupy some small corner of his life and am content to chill out there and cheer him on silently.
But the invite...it's still there. All pretty and purple. It makes my brain chant quietly, like a prayer, some day some day some day.
It won't happen until there is stable money and way more time. Stable money would be nice. God I'd like to have a better pay check. I'm trying so hard to get that. I've tried hard lately to get out of Baby Hell and into something better. Where maybe I'd get paid better, treated better and have hope of being in a better place in life. There's a lot to weight in this decision for me. Honestly, you'd think it'd be a no brainer, but it's not. Yeah sure it would be great to have off weekends and holidays. But I'd be giving up the ability to see Erik. And yeah, it'd be less stress on my body, but I'd be giving up some good daily exercise. I'm honestly terrified that I will sit behind a desk and lose all the muscle I have. I like to think I'm in good shape and I don't really want to lose it. My other problem is feeling guilty for wanting or obtaining all that goodness. I feel guilty for wanting that stuff. How screwed up is that? Thank you retail for ruining me. :P
Speaking of stupid retail. I want to kill my manager. She's a spazz case and no one wants to deal with her lately. She's just...bah. I don't think she could schedule her way out of a box that was open on both ends. The other day she decided to take an associate out to lunch. This pissed me off so bad, because when Ben got promoted we weren't even allowed to have lunch in the breakroom together. It was so stupid. But now apparently it's okay to take an associate out to lunch? No. Fraternization rules still apply. Not to mention we still haven't been given our reviews. This was something Bob got in trouble for. Now no one will get in trouble for it? Hmm...no, I don't think so. I actually really want to get my review so that I can see what was said. It was written by a woman who knew me for about 4 months and had an intense dislike of me because I was not optimistic enough for her. I want to take that review and NOT sign it. It will be a point for me. I will happily read off my list of reasons why she was not qualified to give me that review and was not impartial at all. I have choice words I'd like to use, but won't.
And now I've rambled far too long. Time to go have some dinner.
I have this invitation sitting next to me. It's just staring at me, looking like a model in the SoHo area. It's almost taunting me. "Hey, look at me. I"m money. I'm class and you'll never achieve this." Not only that but it's a wedding invitation.
It's funny because when Vanessa and CJ got married, I was unphased. It didn't seem to bother me or make me feel weird at all. Now I have this pretty little invite from a guy I have known since we were like 6 and I'm totally wigged out. I suddenly feel like I"m out of the loop. I'm going to be the crazy cat lady for life. Not that I'd mind toting around a shot gun and screaming at kids on my lawn, but something about this just makes me cringe. At the same time I'm happy. Happy he found this girl and that now they're going to get married. Lord knows, he deserves it. After his mother died rather horribly a few years back it's like I imagine it will help heal things. (I am by no means an expert on his life. XD We just recently got back in touch after many years of not having a clue where he was.)
I guess it's weird to me because he was my first real love. >_> I'm admitting this now to the world for the first time. When we were little, we were inseparable and I was convinced I'd marry him. We even agreed it would be our second marriages. XD I had all these crazy plans when I was younger on how to get him to be my boyfriend. And when I say young, we're talking under 10. XD Yeah, I was early at dreaming up my married life. But now he's just a guy I kinda know. I really wish I was as clost to him as I used to be, but people change. I just always have the need to return to what we were no matter who it is. So now I just strive to occupy some small corner of his life and am content to chill out there and cheer him on silently.
But the invite...it's still there. All pretty and purple. It makes my brain chant quietly, like a prayer, some day some day some day.
It won't happen until there is stable money and way more time. Stable money would be nice. God I'd like to have a better pay check. I'm trying so hard to get that. I've tried hard lately to get out of Baby Hell and into something better. Where maybe I'd get paid better, treated better and have hope of being in a better place in life. There's a lot to weight in this decision for me. Honestly, you'd think it'd be a no brainer, but it's not. Yeah sure it would be great to have off weekends and holidays. But I'd be giving up the ability to see Erik. And yeah, it'd be less stress on my body, but I'd be giving up some good daily exercise. I'm honestly terrified that I will sit behind a desk and lose all the muscle I have. I like to think I'm in good shape and I don't really want to lose it. My other problem is feeling guilty for wanting or obtaining all that goodness. I feel guilty for wanting that stuff. How screwed up is that? Thank you retail for ruining me. :P
Speaking of stupid retail. I want to kill my manager. She's a spazz case and no one wants to deal with her lately. She's just...bah. I don't think she could schedule her way out of a box that was open on both ends. The other day she decided to take an associate out to lunch. This pissed me off so bad, because when Ben got promoted we weren't even allowed to have lunch in the breakroom together. It was so stupid. But now apparently it's okay to take an associate out to lunch? No. Fraternization rules still apply. Not to mention we still haven't been given our reviews. This was something Bob got in trouble for. Now no one will get in trouble for it? Hmm...no, I don't think so. I actually really want to get my review so that I can see what was said. It was written by a woman who knew me for about 4 months and had an intense dislike of me because I was not optimistic enough for her. I want to take that review and NOT sign it. It will be a point for me. I will happily read off my list of reasons why she was not qualified to give me that review and was not impartial at all. I have choice words I'd like to use, but won't.
And now I've rambled far too long. Time to go have some dinner.