(no subject)
And yet a fourth entry. What can I say, I've gotten some self-analysis bug.
I think the other reason I was/am upset is that I have problems with being reprimanded by authority figures, especially when I can't appeal to them in anyway, like with TWOP. I have always been incredibly shamed and guilty and hurt and sad and even yes, defensive and angry and eventually resentful, when reprimanded by an authority figure. I've also always been scared of upsetting them. I don't know how much other people around me have felt this way also, but they certainly don't seem to show it as much. At least not in the littlest things, like being rude and jerkish, they don't seem afraid or bothered by doing that although they might get angry and resentful- in which case they will express that openly, not hide it or attempt to hide it like I do. And they will certainly appeal to said authorities, no matter how mad those are, and often (almost always in my brother's case) succeed. Meanwhile I get stepped on, and often told how out of control I supposedly am - while a few other times told I'm too timid and docile and obedient by the same people, or praised for those qualities by the same people - that makes me even more resentful and angry and self-involved and hurt. And more likely to snap and/or be an asshole. That's the other reason for my feelings. And possibly for my being an asshole in that moment - it was a time when I snapped and wanted to let loose for once.
Well there's no limit on how much I can write about this, Or should. Or if there is, I don't need to and shouldn't consider where that limit is. I can write until this is no longer necessary, especially since no one is seeing this and is able to respond. So no one can get sick of me or offer eny kind of advice with whatever intentions they might have.
I think the other reason I was/am upset is that I have problems with being reprimanded by authority figures, especially when I can't appeal to them in anyway, like with TWOP. I have always been incredibly shamed and guilty and hurt and sad and even yes, defensive and angry and eventually resentful, when reprimanded by an authority figure. I've also always been scared of upsetting them. I don't know how much other people around me have felt this way also, but they certainly don't seem to show it as much. At least not in the littlest things, like being rude and jerkish, they don't seem afraid or bothered by doing that although they might get angry and resentful- in which case they will express that openly, not hide it or attempt to hide it like I do. And they will certainly appeal to said authorities, no matter how mad those are, and often (almost always in my brother's case) succeed. Meanwhile I get stepped on, and often told how out of control I supposedly am - while a few other times told I'm too timid and docile and obedient by the same people, or praised for those qualities by the same people - that makes me even more resentful and angry and self-involved and hurt. And more likely to snap and/or be an asshole. That's the other reason for my feelings. And possibly for my being an asshole in that moment - it was a time when I snapped and wanted to let loose for once.
Well there's no limit on how much I can write about this, Or should. Or if there is, I don't need to and shouldn't consider where that limit is. I can write until this is no longer necessary, especially since no one is seeing this and is able to respond. So no one can get sick of me or offer eny kind of advice with whatever intentions they might have.