(no subject)
Did you ever have one of those weeks where you felt like you lost your best friend, had to progress in your never-ending break up with one of the loves of your life, and realized that your sweetest cat needed to be euthanized? This week blows.
My girlfriend, the first women I have opened up and been this vulnerable with since basically high school, has been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks. I didn't know if it was because of me, something I did or some injury she perceived, or if it was other stuff in her life that was leaving her too raw to talk with anyone. I don't know because she won't talk with me. The silence has been incredibly painful. The first few days I begged her to tell me what I had done, I would never want to hurt anyone! Then I just sat in sadness for several days. Sweet Wade said I should leave her be - that I deserve to surround myself with friends who can love as deeply and vulnerably as I do. I am torn between feeling like I am supposed to forgive her (does that mean trusting again? Does it mean letting her deep in my life? Or just loving her and letting her go on her way?), and feeling like I'm very done being treated so poorly by people I love so much. It isn't fair. I would never do this to someone I love.
I had the "seriously, we need to just be friends" talk with Jesse on Friday. He backpedaled so hard, as he does every time I suggest boundaries in our relationship. I don't understand why he's not okay with the no sex thing, as he never seems to be in the mood. The conversation ended in sex. And it was bad sex to boot. The moral of the story: I have shitty willpower. :) Over the weekend, I felt fine with him. I felt stronger and good about being friends. Then yesterday, he was supposed to hang out with me. He came home 20 minutes late (which is typical for him) and said now he actually needed to study instead. I'm so used to him, these ways, that I am no longer even slightly surprised, or disappointed. Actually, I'd be shocked if he really had made time for me. Then he said, while staring at the clock, "I might have a few minutes. I guess we could have sex or something because you like that." I looked back at him astonished, fairly sure my mouth was hanging open. "REALLY?!!!! Did you just say that to me?! Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could a girl not feel special..." I laughed. This is my life?! He got his ridiculous sad victim face and pouted that now he felt bad. Good! You should feel bad! You need to learn how to not treat the people in your life who love you more than anything like trash. You need to learn to watch what you say, and have some basic decency for your friends. All weekend he has been saying, "I should just move out." For the first time ever, I'm not arguing with him. It has been so hard to hold the line. He keeps getting his sad face, and saying stupid things like, "All I ever do is hurt people, so I should just go." I point out that his words are ridiculous. He doesn't just hurt people. Sometimes his actions do hurt others, yes, and other times he is wonderful and supportive. I don't try to talk him out of leaving, though. I can tell this has been super hard on him. Me too. I feel horrible - like I'm feeding into his rejection complex. And I recognize how totally unfair it is for me to put this on myself when I spent the past five months offering myself completely to him and he is in fact the one rejecting the relationship from me.
Zahid, the new and awesome boyfriend, continues to be wonderful, but too busy to be seen. :)
Marshall, my little kitten, basically the sweetest kitten ever, who came to us with a shattered pelvis and had to have an operation in November that cost $4000 to move his urethra to his abdomen, has horrible urine scald. The new urethra is structuring shut. I feel like an idiot for going ahead with the surgery. We should have just put him down at the time. I was so skeptical, everything in my medical brain said that he had bad chances, but the surgeon convinced me to go ahead, that his prognosis was great. Fucker. So my guilt with spending money and putting him through months of discomfort are doing nothing for placating my guilt at now knowing that he's come far enough. He's in pain. It is time. It is time and we're not ready. Wade and I spent the morning kissing him and crying. Tonight.
Interestingly, through all of this hard stuff, I can feel something beautiful happening deep inside me. I can feel a lot of necessary growth and development happening that is necessary to move me forward to the next great place for me. It is all close, the resolution of a lot of these problems and a great shift. It is sweet to feel that on the horizon. I notice and have a deep appreciation for the sweet relationships that do exist in my life. Sure, I have a few bozos who are squandering my love, but then there is my mother. I feel so blessed to live so close that I get to see her ever week! Delightful. :) There's Wade, ever present, always my rock, my soul, my darling. Even Jesse has moments of being so entirely wonderful and sweet. Moments. I am fortunate. I don't lose sight of that truth. The spring flowers and green hills have me moving frequently out of my mind and into the amazing present. It is glorious. The timing of everything couldn't be better. I will dance out of this and into an even better place to be a kick ass caretaker for the world. On with world peace!
My girlfriend, the first women I have opened up and been this vulnerable with since basically high school, has been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks. I didn't know if it was because of me, something I did or some injury she perceived, or if it was other stuff in her life that was leaving her too raw to talk with anyone. I don't know because she won't talk with me. The silence has been incredibly painful. The first few days I begged her to tell me what I had done, I would never want to hurt anyone! Then I just sat in sadness for several days. Sweet Wade said I should leave her be - that I deserve to surround myself with friends who can love as deeply and vulnerably as I do. I am torn between feeling like I am supposed to forgive her (does that mean trusting again? Does it mean letting her deep in my life? Or just loving her and letting her go on her way?), and feeling like I'm very done being treated so poorly by people I love so much. It isn't fair. I would never do this to someone I love.
I had the "seriously, we need to just be friends" talk with Jesse on Friday. He backpedaled so hard, as he does every time I suggest boundaries in our relationship. I don't understand why he's not okay with the no sex thing, as he never seems to be in the mood. The conversation ended in sex. And it was bad sex to boot. The moral of the story: I have shitty willpower. :) Over the weekend, I felt fine with him. I felt stronger and good about being friends. Then yesterday, he was supposed to hang out with me. He came home 20 minutes late (which is typical for him) and said now he actually needed to study instead. I'm so used to him, these ways, that I am no longer even slightly surprised, or disappointed. Actually, I'd be shocked if he really had made time for me. Then he said, while staring at the clock, "I might have a few minutes. I guess we could have sex or something because you like that." I looked back at him astonished, fairly sure my mouth was hanging open. "REALLY?!!!! Did you just say that to me?! Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could a girl not feel special..." I laughed. This is my life?! He got his ridiculous sad victim face and pouted that now he felt bad. Good! You should feel bad! You need to learn how to not treat the people in your life who love you more than anything like trash. You need to learn to watch what you say, and have some basic decency for your friends. All weekend he has been saying, "I should just move out." For the first time ever, I'm not arguing with him. It has been so hard to hold the line. He keeps getting his sad face, and saying stupid things like, "All I ever do is hurt people, so I should just go." I point out that his words are ridiculous. He doesn't just hurt people. Sometimes his actions do hurt others, yes, and other times he is wonderful and supportive. I don't try to talk him out of leaving, though. I can tell this has been super hard on him. Me too. I feel horrible - like I'm feeding into his rejection complex. And I recognize how totally unfair it is for me to put this on myself when I spent the past five months offering myself completely to him and he is in fact the one rejecting the relationship from me.
Zahid, the new and awesome boyfriend, continues to be wonderful, but too busy to be seen. :)
Marshall, my little kitten, basically the sweetest kitten ever, who came to us with a shattered pelvis and had to have an operation in November that cost $4000 to move his urethra to his abdomen, has horrible urine scald. The new urethra is structuring shut. I feel like an idiot for going ahead with the surgery. We should have just put him down at the time. I was so skeptical, everything in my medical brain said that he had bad chances, but the surgeon convinced me to go ahead, that his prognosis was great. Fucker. So my guilt with spending money and putting him through months of discomfort are doing nothing for placating my guilt at now knowing that he's come far enough. He's in pain. It is time. It is time and we're not ready. Wade and I spent the morning kissing him and crying. Tonight.
Interestingly, through all of this hard stuff, I can feel something beautiful happening deep inside me. I can feel a lot of necessary growth and development happening that is necessary to move me forward to the next great place for me. It is all close, the resolution of a lot of these problems and a great shift. It is sweet to feel that on the horizon. I notice and have a deep appreciation for the sweet relationships that do exist in my life. Sure, I have a few bozos who are squandering my love, but then there is my mother. I feel so blessed to live so close that I get to see her ever week! Delightful. :) There's Wade, ever present, always my rock, my soul, my darling. Even Jesse has moments of being so entirely wonderful and sweet. Moments. I am fortunate. I don't lose sight of that truth. The spring flowers and green hills have me moving frequently out of my mind and into the amazing present. It is glorious. The timing of everything couldn't be better. I will dance out of this and into an even better place to be a kick ass caretaker for the world. On with world peace!