Train Ride - By My Father Howard Merrill
The never-ending train ride
Colors:
Red - manic
scale - 1 to 10 (10 the worst)
blue - depressed
scale - 1 to 10 (to the worst)
green - 0 - the somewhat impossible stable place to get to between red and blue
The conductor:
When you are driving the train
The passenger:
When you have no control of the train
The people in your head:
The sufferer
The advisor
The ride:
Crazy train crashed with no survivors - you are dead period. People in your head - gone - condutor or passenger never mattered.
Crazy train crashed and you are critically injured, scars will occur, injuries will heal, some with lasting effects, permanent disability is a possibly, much damage to your future life, most can not be fixed - nervous breakdown. People in your head, useless and broken with little hope for return. Conductor or passenger has almost nothing to do with the outcome.
Crazy train crashed and you are injured, scars will occur, injuries will heal, few with lasting effects, temporarily disability a possibility - very high on either the red or blue scale - suicidal, out of your mind, incapable of functioning, damage to your future life be it permanently but some things can still be fixed. People in your head damaged but the advisor is trying hard, utilizing every coping skill learned in an almost futile effort to offer ANY advice to the sufferer. The sufferer might be the condutor which only raises the anxiety level because, somehow the sufferer holds the keys to what will happen. The outcome is far from certain.
Crazy train is out of control - no idea what is ahead of you. Very high on red or blue scale, anxiety level extremely high and a crash seems likely, ultra, ultra, ULTRA rapid cycling that just will not stop, barely able to cope. The advisor is pumping advice in a frenzy to help the conduting sufferer and only making matter worse. Or, the advisor is sitting with the passenger, holding hands, offering ways to "put it out of your head", throwing learned coping skills. Sufferer has little faith that anything will help, fears the quickly approching and expected crash, but has an inkling of hope that somehow the train will slow down and everything could be ok.
Crazy train is moving along rather quickly. Too high on the red or blue scale for comfort. The sufferer is conducting but with compromised abilities. Things seem to be heading in a bad direction. We aren't out of control but... the advisor is worried but somehow managing to stay calm, even if the outward calmness is just used to try to calm the sufferer. Coping skills are provided slowly and cautiously in hopes that the advisor can ease the sufferer back to a more comfortable place. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. It is obvious that we are moving too quickly. It is uncomfortable. Anxiety is pushing the scale. The advisor has concerns but is not really able to read the sufferer well enough to know if it is time to offer advice or even if the sufferer is willing to accept advice. The sufferer is potentially in a stage of wanting to maintain control but does not necessarily utilized the known coping skills and isn't getting alot of input from the advisor. Yet, the sufferer is not soliciting advice. Stubborn, scared and eerie silence abounds. Anxiety is there and the scale is wobbling around that uncomfortable zone cause the sufferer knows that the real controls are in the conductor hands. That lack of control leads to more anxiety. The situation is very uncomfortable but the sufferer still stubbornly maintains the stance that "I can handle this... maybe"
The train is moving along normally. The sufferer is conducting. The scale is somewhere in that ok zone. Uncomfortable yet listening intently to the advisor. Coping skills are needed sometimes as you go around the blind bends in the tracks. The sufferer and the advisor are a pretty damned good team and the world seems tolerable. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. Not being totally in control of the future is a little uncomfortable but between the currently well practiced coping skills and the friendly relationship with the advisor, the sufferer has less anxiety. The sufferer feels somewhat ok with dropping his guard even though relaxing is scary. The sufferer sort of wants to be the conductor at times, and other times is just ok with being the passenger.
The train is heading into the station. As the conductor, the sufferer considers the possibility of just missing the station and losing control of the train. Minor anxiety but the sufferer knows that this is unlikely but the thought is there. I have control. I'm going to be ok. I've done this before. Practice makes perfect. The advisor is my co-pilot. I know I can rely on the advice provided and between us two, this will work out. Or, as the train into the station, the sufferer as passenger has a slight concern that perhaps we will not stop. The controls are not in my hands. The advisor comforts the sufferer, remind the sufferer that this is heading in the right direction. You are ok. There is a trust and it feels nice.
The train stops at the station. As conductor, the sufferer is relieved. Shakes hands with the advisor. Job well done. Let's do this again and again. No real concern for the future. Green zone. Stable. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. Getting near that green is a nice feeling. I did not have control but because of this trusting realtionship with the advisor, it is apparent that the sufferer just experienced "unnecessary concern" but that's ok. Lesson learned.
The train leaves the station... here we go again.
Colors:
Red - manic
scale - 1 to 10 (10 the worst)
blue - depressed
scale - 1 to 10 (to the worst)
green - 0 - the somewhat impossible stable place to get to between red and blue
The conductor:
When you are driving the train
The passenger:
When you have no control of the train
The people in your head:
The sufferer
The advisor
The ride:
Crazy train crashed with no survivors - you are dead period. People in your head - gone - condutor or passenger never mattered.
Crazy train crashed and you are critically injured, scars will occur, injuries will heal, some with lasting effects, permanent disability is a possibly, much damage to your future life, most can not be fixed - nervous breakdown. People in your head, useless and broken with little hope for return. Conductor or passenger has almost nothing to do with the outcome.
Crazy train crashed and you are injured, scars will occur, injuries will heal, few with lasting effects, temporarily disability a possibility - very high on either the red or blue scale - suicidal, out of your mind, incapable of functioning, damage to your future life be it permanently but some things can still be fixed. People in your head damaged but the advisor is trying hard, utilizing every coping skill learned in an almost futile effort to offer ANY advice to the sufferer. The sufferer might be the condutor which only raises the anxiety level because, somehow the sufferer holds the keys to what will happen. The outcome is far from certain.
Crazy train is out of control - no idea what is ahead of you. Very high on red or blue scale, anxiety level extremely high and a crash seems likely, ultra, ultra, ULTRA rapid cycling that just will not stop, barely able to cope. The advisor is pumping advice in a frenzy to help the conduting sufferer and only making matter worse. Or, the advisor is sitting with the passenger, holding hands, offering ways to "put it out of your head", throwing learned coping skills. Sufferer has little faith that anything will help, fears the quickly approching and expected crash, but has an inkling of hope that somehow the train will slow down and everything could be ok.
Crazy train is moving along rather quickly. Too high on the red or blue scale for comfort. The sufferer is conducting but with compromised abilities. Things seem to be heading in a bad direction. We aren't out of control but... the advisor is worried but somehow managing to stay calm, even if the outward calmness is just used to try to calm the sufferer. Coping skills are provided slowly and cautiously in hopes that the advisor can ease the sufferer back to a more comfortable place. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. It is obvious that we are moving too quickly. It is uncomfortable. Anxiety is pushing the scale. The advisor has concerns but is not really able to read the sufferer well enough to know if it is time to offer advice or even if the sufferer is willing to accept advice. The sufferer is potentially in a stage of wanting to maintain control but does not necessarily utilized the known coping skills and isn't getting alot of input from the advisor. Yet, the sufferer is not soliciting advice. Stubborn, scared and eerie silence abounds. Anxiety is there and the scale is wobbling around that uncomfortable zone cause the sufferer knows that the real controls are in the conductor hands. That lack of control leads to more anxiety. The situation is very uncomfortable but the sufferer still stubbornly maintains the stance that "I can handle this... maybe"
The train is moving along normally. The sufferer is conducting. The scale is somewhere in that ok zone. Uncomfortable yet listening intently to the advisor. Coping skills are needed sometimes as you go around the blind bends in the tracks. The sufferer and the advisor are a pretty damned good team and the world seems tolerable. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. Not being totally in control of the future is a little uncomfortable but between the currently well practiced coping skills and the friendly relationship with the advisor, the sufferer has less anxiety. The sufferer feels somewhat ok with dropping his guard even though relaxing is scary. The sufferer sort of wants to be the conductor at times, and other times is just ok with being the passenger.
The train is heading into the station. As the conductor, the sufferer considers the possibility of just missing the station and losing control of the train. Minor anxiety but the sufferer knows that this is unlikely but the thought is there. I have control. I'm going to be ok. I've done this before. Practice makes perfect. The advisor is my co-pilot. I know I can rely on the advice provided and between us two, this will work out. Or, as the train into the station, the sufferer as passenger has a slight concern that perhaps we will not stop. The controls are not in my hands. The advisor comforts the sufferer, remind the sufferer that this is heading in the right direction. You are ok. There is a trust and it feels nice.
The train stops at the station. As conductor, the sufferer is relieved. Shakes hands with the advisor. Job well done. Let's do this again and again. No real concern for the future. Green zone. Stable. Or, the sufferer is the passenger. Getting near that green is a nice feeling. I did not have control but because of this trusting realtionship with the advisor, it is apparent that the sufferer just experienced "unnecessary concern" but that's ok. Lesson learned.
The train leaves the station... here we go again.