it seems to be...easier to write here, for class
If I had to pick an emotion that most represented the conglomeration of all of the other emotions in our lives I would say that being nervous tops them all. Nervousness seems to kick in at the most inconvenient times. It seems as though, when you would rather be almost anything else, you get nervous. You know, when you've got to stand up and tell the class what you've done for a project, and you really haven't done anything, but you want to make it seem like you have, your hands sweat, and you're not so much afraid as nervous. Or when you have to talk to a person you really can't stand, and you need to remain calm-those moments before always seem to turn into massive amounts of energy. You just want to be able to remember just the right thing to say to your mother-that's when it kicks in. In my life the saying should state "If all else fails, be nervous."
Looking back, there are so many moments that I can find to really represent this emotion, but none are stronger than the time I spent meeting a friend of mine in a different state. You see, being just out of high school does nothing for self confidence, and in the summer of 2003, I was new to the idea of dating a real person. Boys in high school were never considered dateable material. The fact that they could all fit into the three categories of "farmer," "jock," or "scary" just never seemed to lend itself to the desire to date. The guy I was interested in was in college and miles away, and to make matters worse, I soon found that I was less interested in him, and more and more interested in his "already in a relationship" roommate. In walks nervousness, right on cue. Turns out my new friend, lets call him Ryan, has more in common with me than he does with his girlfriend. This gets to be quite a predicament that eventually ends in us talking every night, while subsequently ending our relationships with outside parties. There were never any terribly nervous moments when we were just talking. This may be due to the fact that "just talking" really did just mean, just talking. Ryan and I were separated by states and states. On a good day, he was living in Ohio, on a bad day, New York. It's harder to be nervous when you know that you can always just hang up on someone and walk away from the phone.
Fate is funny in ways that I'll never probably be able to explain. As easy as it was to talk to Ryan, I think that some of my lack of nervousness about our friendship stemmed from the very idea that we'd probably never have to run into each other face to face right? Wrong. In the summer of 2003, the year that I graduated from high school my grandmother decided that just for fun, my family would take a vacation to visit friends up in Buffalo, New York. "What a wonderful idea" "I've always wanted to see Niagara Falls" "It'll be a great time"...all of these things were what I listened to while I pouted because I'd seen exactly how far it was away from where I wanted to go, New York City. That night, Ryan answered his phone like he always did, with questions about my day, and I started in on a rant about how we had to go see this huge waterfall, and how I'd rather see the city (and now looking back, I wonder what my problem was.. it must've been a stupid moment in my life). I also mentioned that it would be nice to see him. We'd been talking on the phone every night for almost 4 months, and had become very close friends in that time. Somehow the distance, and the ability we had to relate made for a great relationship.
I kept my mouth shut about meeting up with Ryan, I knew the idea wouldn't go over well at all. The only comments I got were about how much better I seemed to be taking to the idea of going to New York. Yeah, nervous again. It has always been difficult to get my way with my family. Being an only child meant doing whatever your parents said, with no questions, and basically, no life. The days of summer slithered by, a mix of sunburns and heat waves and days over 100 until finally we packed everything but the kitchen sink (three women traveling makes for a lot of shoes) into our huge suitcases and hopped our plane to Buffalo. The next two days were spent shopping with friends, going out to dinner, exploring Niagara Falls, seeing the sights of the city and naturally, talking to Ryan at night. Finally on the third night that I was there, after those lightly mentioned comments about having a friend in the state, I asked if Ryan could come stay with us for a day or two. My mother, the one who probably gave me my obsessive nervous gene was first to snap a "no" onto the situation. Soon after a conversation (without me) ensued, and I was brought back in, on the verge of crying and running away, and well, just being all out confused, to find out that he could in fact come visit for a few days. The only stipulation was that if I had any problems with him at all I was to say something, and we would ship him back out immediately. What a funny thing to have said. At that time, I was too nervous to hear anything else. Great, I didn't expect them to say yes. I didn't think I'd have to actually see someone that knew me so well. I walked back inside from the porch, to the group. Yes, they were sure it was okay, I could call him and tell him. Dang. I was waiting for that "no" so I could be upset, and yet secretly be relieved. So much for that. The phone was ringing. An answer, his mother, she still scares me to this day, he'd be right down. What am I supposed to say? I'm walking in tight circle on the driveway outside and half of it is wet and half is dry, and each time I walk in my circle, I leave wet prints that begin to dry immediately on the lukewarm pavement. Good news, they say you can come visit. That is great news, are you okay? yeah, I'm fine, just...excited. Ginger, you sound nervous? Nervous, me? Never. (ha I was such a liar). The conversation went on. I must have nearly walked a hole in the pavement outside, where I paced in that circle for nearly an hour as we made plans for his arrival.
More to come, I've just got to get this down somewhere so I can present it for class.
Looking back, there are so many moments that I can find to really represent this emotion, but none are stronger than the time I spent meeting a friend of mine in a different state. You see, being just out of high school does nothing for self confidence, and in the summer of 2003, I was new to the idea of dating a real person. Boys in high school were never considered dateable material. The fact that they could all fit into the three categories of "farmer," "jock," or "scary" just never seemed to lend itself to the desire to date. The guy I was interested in was in college and miles away, and to make matters worse, I soon found that I was less interested in him, and more and more interested in his "already in a relationship" roommate. In walks nervousness, right on cue. Turns out my new friend, lets call him Ryan, has more in common with me than he does with his girlfriend. This gets to be quite a predicament that eventually ends in us talking every night, while subsequently ending our relationships with outside parties. There were never any terribly nervous moments when we were just talking. This may be due to the fact that "just talking" really did just mean, just talking. Ryan and I were separated by states and states. On a good day, he was living in Ohio, on a bad day, New York. It's harder to be nervous when you know that you can always just hang up on someone and walk away from the phone.
Fate is funny in ways that I'll never probably be able to explain. As easy as it was to talk to Ryan, I think that some of my lack of nervousness about our friendship stemmed from the very idea that we'd probably never have to run into each other face to face right? Wrong. In the summer of 2003, the year that I graduated from high school my grandmother decided that just for fun, my family would take a vacation to visit friends up in Buffalo, New York. "What a wonderful idea" "I've always wanted to see Niagara Falls" "It'll be a great time"...all of these things were what I listened to while I pouted because I'd seen exactly how far it was away from where I wanted to go, New York City. That night, Ryan answered his phone like he always did, with questions about my day, and I started in on a rant about how we had to go see this huge waterfall, and how I'd rather see the city (and now looking back, I wonder what my problem was.. it must've been a stupid moment in my life). I also mentioned that it would be nice to see him. We'd been talking on the phone every night for almost 4 months, and had become very close friends in that time. Somehow the distance, and the ability we had to relate made for a great relationship.
I kept my mouth shut about meeting up with Ryan, I knew the idea wouldn't go over well at all. The only comments I got were about how much better I seemed to be taking to the idea of going to New York. Yeah, nervous again. It has always been difficult to get my way with my family. Being an only child meant doing whatever your parents said, with no questions, and basically, no life. The days of summer slithered by, a mix of sunburns and heat waves and days over 100 until finally we packed everything but the kitchen sink (three women traveling makes for a lot of shoes) into our huge suitcases and hopped our plane to Buffalo. The next two days were spent shopping with friends, going out to dinner, exploring Niagara Falls, seeing the sights of the city and naturally, talking to Ryan at night. Finally on the third night that I was there, after those lightly mentioned comments about having a friend in the state, I asked if Ryan could come stay with us for a day or two. My mother, the one who probably gave me my obsessive nervous gene was first to snap a "no" onto the situation. Soon after a conversation (without me) ensued, and I was brought back in, on the verge of crying and running away, and well, just being all out confused, to find out that he could in fact come visit for a few days. The only stipulation was that if I had any problems with him at all I was to say something, and we would ship him back out immediately. What a funny thing to have said. At that time, I was too nervous to hear anything else. Great, I didn't expect them to say yes. I didn't think I'd have to actually see someone that knew me so well. I walked back inside from the porch, to the group. Yes, they were sure it was okay, I could call him and tell him. Dang. I was waiting for that "no" so I could be upset, and yet secretly be relieved. So much for that. The phone was ringing. An answer, his mother, she still scares me to this day, he'd be right down. What am I supposed to say? I'm walking in tight circle on the driveway outside and half of it is wet and half is dry, and each time I walk in my circle, I leave wet prints that begin to dry immediately on the lukewarm pavement. Good news, they say you can come visit. That is great news, are you okay? yeah, I'm fine, just...excited. Ginger, you sound nervous? Nervous, me? Never. (ha I was such a liar). The conversation went on. I must have nearly walked a hole in the pavement outside, where I paced in that circle for nearly an hour as we made plans for his arrival.
More to come, I've just got to get this down somewhere so I can present it for class.