Brigit's Flame Week 1 - Baker's Dozen
Title: Baker's Dozen
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suicide
Word Count: 1884
Prompt: A Bag of Root Vegtables
A/N: None as per request of Bardiphouka and Keppiehed. Oh no, what to expect?!
( Read more... )
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suicide
Word Count: 1884
Prompt: A Bag of Root Vegtables
A/N: None as per request of Bardiphouka and Keppiehed. Oh no, what to expect?!
( Read more... )
Sheesh, did you edit this before posting? I’m hard pressed to come up with anything grammar or content-wise to comment on! You have a solid story, which as belluminabyssus points out, gives us all we as a reader need to know to get a good idea of the greater picture. You plop us into this universe, and it isn’t ephemeral, but we can taste and see it as if we are there. Renfrew darts in and out of the picture, both physically and emotionally, so we sit with Flanders and find ourselves drawn in to him and relating with him, seeing the world through his eyes.
So I guess just a couple of comments:
"I'm not saying that exactly," Flanders stammered. "I'm just expressing a modicum of concern. One must be prudent in these situations." -- kind of hefty vocabulary here, I think it’s just a little too high for Flanders given his situation. Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a very smart guy (well, like he is a smart guy, but who somehow manages to get suckered in to trusting all the wrong people until he ends up broke and hopeless, that is), but this vocabulary, given his apparent situation, kind of sits like the Queen just popped in for tea, and he’s throwing every modicum of refinement he has into this unexpected situation.
I think it should be “well-muscled” not well muscled.
“It was not long after that when Renfrew disappeared.” (add in “that”)
Other than that…maybe take us out to the The Edge next time? Or see what that Coro occupation was? I am now quite curious as to what more there is to this world, because clearly there is a LOT more to it.
Thank you for sharing!
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