Brigit's Flame Week 1 - Cleave
Title: Just A Little Bit Of History Repeating
Rating: PG-13 for adult situations
Warnings: none
Word Count: 2079
Prompt: Cleave
A/N: I'm back! This is my first entry for BF in over three months. I'm so happy to be coming out of my long and oppressive writer's block. I haven't written anything since before Christmas, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty. This ( Read more... )
Rating: PG-13 for adult situations
Warnings: none
Word Count: 2079
Prompt: Cleave
A/N: I'm back! This is my first entry for BF in over three months. I'm so happy to be coming out of my long and oppressive writer's block. I haven't written anything since before Christmas, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty. This ( Read more... )
To the edits!
First off, very well written for being rusty.
I was a little confused about Bertrand being another person until Cal started talking to him. I thought at first that Cal was traveling with a group and that his last name was Bertrand. Maybe refer to Bertrand directly before the dialogue?
You left out a few hyphens. mid-fifties, non-smoking
I felt like the scene where the girl asks him for help was a little bumpy? It seemed like it was leading up to some strong emotion in Cal and then it stopped. Maybe he cut it off and it was supposed to be this way? But if not, maybe add another line or two?
Did you mean tailed behind or trailed?
Her gray roots stuck out from under her pile of bottle-red hair and her leopard-print top and leggings were stretched thin against her ample frame. Sometimes your sentences felt a little awkward, like they could have been broken in half to add better flow to the story.
“You know I have to go out tonight, baby. This is usually a personal preference one. I felt your story would flow better without the comma unless you are intending that pause.
One of recognition, desperation. This transition was a little confusing for me. Maybe if you replaced the comma with ‘and’ instead or explained a bit more what she looked like or why he recognized that look.
“Honey, guests,” she shouted, banging on a pressed wood door with the words “Manager’s Office” painted on it in shaky black letters. Typically, since no one is saying “Manager’s Office”, the quotes here would be single: ‘Manager’s Office’
The woman picked up the small piece of plastic, inspected it for a moment, then returned it to a very surprised looking Bertrand. I saw this kind of sentence structure a lot through your story. I think you could really break down this kind of sentence into two or more, and take out the extra commas. Or, simply taking out the comma before ‘then’ and adding ‘and’ in its place would help the flow. It was a little awkward for me to read.
“Please,” she said, falling onto the floor, her bare knees kneeling. I tripped over this sentence a lot once I read, her bare knees kneeling. I think you’d be good with just her falling to the floor. The ‘knees kneeling’ part was awkward for me. Maybe rephrase if the bare part is important?
I really liked this piece. You caught my attention and kept it. I wanted to know more about the history between Bertrand and Cal. The flashback was very well done as well. I was very impressed. And your last few closing lines were very intriguing. Everything tied into the title! \0/
Hope this helps. Thank you for the read~
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I really think this story will improve after I've gone back and fixed everything you pointed out! Thanks.
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I'm sure it will be better too. d^_^b
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