(no subject)
Well, that was... frustrating? It's very hard when you're very like someone and also very different. Because one minute you're agreeing, but the next it feels like arguing.
Personally, I'm a very, very open minded opinion. I don't mind sitting next to someone who's prefers something I don't. I'm cool if you want chocolate ice cream, and I can't really eat ice cream without regretting it (ice cream is not a metaphor. I'm talking literal lactose issues). But the idea extends to bigger things, I'm perfectly okay with people who do things the way they do.
But when trying to create... creating is already a hard thing. I draw, I've played musical instruments, I sing and dance - badly. I cook like a badass. I adore reading, but I'm a baby-writer. And thus trying to work with someone who is more established, in fact who has written books - is a very intimidating thing. It's hard to be a leader in a situation like that. But it's hard to not push. You can't have two passive and make an active story.
In my actual life, I'm quite a catalyst. Maybe it's difficult to explain to people who don't know me. I do things on the spur of the moment, I made rash decisions, like being someone's friend or not. It's stupid things, it may be vapid, but spending my life in fear has been shitty enough that I often leap without looking, because if I look, I'll never go.
And I just got tired of not living.
But when I face the negatives in life, it brings the old fears back. The anxiety. When I realize I can't force people to see their beauty or goodness, when my depressed friends can't "let go" of their depression - I feel helpless.
I feel like a recovering-alcoholic with a year of sobriety under her belt, preaching to an AA meeting full of day two sober drunks about how great it is to be clean. That is a metaphor. I'm a recovering anxiety-addict with OCD and a penchant for optimism. I still love angst in stories, I want something to twist my insides and make me cry, but I also want to fill the world with joy and bliss.
Maybe my meds are set too high.
I'm happy though, and it makes me want to give up seeing so many miserable, angry, and rotten. I want to breathe life and faith into the world again. Damn my idealistic nature.
Maybe it's a good thing I don't drive, I depend on the willingness of others to partake in my insanity. I finally get bold and reach out through the internet. My successes made me bold. And now I feel the little failures, the worry, and judgement. I wish I could say getting a thicker skin would help, but thick skin only makes the tattoos harder going in. Critiques and criticism slides right through, thick and thin.
It's difficult, and complicated, and I'm trying. But I don't like the weird middling feeling, after elation, but before depression. It's not really happy or sad, and I fight hard enough not to feel bland and robotic. So it's an exaggerated feeling, like an actor on stage making sweeping motions for the audience, while major movie stars can squint their eyes on megatrons and the whole world can see the moisture well up in their eye. Those shades of grey emotion are hard to process because they slide so far down into the black I worry the gradation will be lost.
I never was good at seeing the depths. My art teacher told me my visual contrast was my worst skill. I imagine the more complicated emotions are harder to grasp. Only they don't make glasses for emotions.
It's complicated, and I just hope I'm not misunderstood.
Personally, I'm a very, very open minded opinion. I don't mind sitting next to someone who's prefers something I don't. I'm cool if you want chocolate ice cream, and I can't really eat ice cream without regretting it (ice cream is not a metaphor. I'm talking literal lactose issues). But the idea extends to bigger things, I'm perfectly okay with people who do things the way they do.
But when trying to create... creating is already a hard thing. I draw, I've played musical instruments, I sing and dance - badly. I cook like a badass. I adore reading, but I'm a baby-writer. And thus trying to work with someone who is more established, in fact who has written books - is a very intimidating thing. It's hard to be a leader in a situation like that. But it's hard to not push. You can't have two passive and make an active story.
In my actual life, I'm quite a catalyst. Maybe it's difficult to explain to people who don't know me. I do things on the spur of the moment, I made rash decisions, like being someone's friend or not. It's stupid things, it may be vapid, but spending my life in fear has been shitty enough that I often leap without looking, because if I look, I'll never go.
And I just got tired of not living.
But when I face the negatives in life, it brings the old fears back. The anxiety. When I realize I can't force people to see their beauty or goodness, when my depressed friends can't "let go" of their depression - I feel helpless.
I feel like a recovering-alcoholic with a year of sobriety under her belt, preaching to an AA meeting full of day two sober drunks about how great it is to be clean. That is a metaphor. I'm a recovering anxiety-addict with OCD and a penchant for optimism. I still love angst in stories, I want something to twist my insides and make me cry, but I also want to fill the world with joy and bliss.
Maybe my meds are set too high.
I'm happy though, and it makes me want to give up seeing so many miserable, angry, and rotten. I want to breathe life and faith into the world again. Damn my idealistic nature.
Maybe it's a good thing I don't drive, I depend on the willingness of others to partake in my insanity. I finally get bold and reach out through the internet. My successes made me bold. And now I feel the little failures, the worry, and judgement. I wish I could say getting a thicker skin would help, but thick skin only makes the tattoos harder going in. Critiques and criticism slides right through, thick and thin.
It's difficult, and complicated, and I'm trying. But I don't like the weird middling feeling, after elation, but before depression. It's not really happy or sad, and I fight hard enough not to feel bland and robotic. So it's an exaggerated feeling, like an actor on stage making sweeping motions for the audience, while major movie stars can squint their eyes on megatrons and the whole world can see the moisture well up in their eye. Those shades of grey emotion are hard to process because they slide so far down into the black I worry the gradation will be lost.
I never was good at seeing the depths. My art teacher told me my visual contrast was my worst skill. I imagine the more complicated emotions are harder to grasp. Only they don't make glasses for emotions.
It's complicated, and I just hope I'm not misunderstood.