in agreement
in order to agree with iggy, i too desire to save my LJ from death. it's beena good friend over the ages... if only because it holds so much of me. college now is such a change from... middle school? i won't do that memory lane bullshit but you know i want to.
it's weird - i feel bad because during the fall i felt pressured to 'find' more friends to fill the gap left by sarah's absence. my attempts mostly just failed and landed me in trouble, but resulted in me getting much closer to two friends whom i'd fairly casually acquainted myself with before, namely iggy and galloway.
by the way, andrew i'm sorry i called you iggy that one night. i was quite drunk and in some ways you morph into my extremely close male friend who sometimes drinks too much.
so yes, these fine fellows have totally held me together. amber has become my new mother/sister, which has actually helped me a lot in working out how to deal and get closer with my own mother. sister... not so much.
sarah has of course continued to be the result of many desperate acts, but fortunately this winter, these acts of desperation were less self-destructive, more constructive, and i think has generally brought us closer. i've decided to give anti-depressants a go as it's been years since i was last prescribed and refused them and things never really started to look any better. now, in a lot of ways, things are a lot harder, but i understand that it's something i can handle. and if it's something i can't handle, i can ask for help. at the same time, if it's something i can't handle, i can decide what i can handle and what will push me to be able to handle it in the future. i feel like i'm toughening up, and therefore growing up. i still feel like a 15 year old boy, but now mostly because i'm preoccupied with trying to pass and keep up appearances on a regular basis. i've come out at work, to my co-ed frat, to a broader circle of friends and associates and some professors. i've come out to my mother and sister. and i feel fine and stronger and confident, albeit scared sometimes. that's natural though. i don't feel paralyzed. i'm still not used to trusting that things will be ok. iggy and galloway have definitely taught me more about having trust and faith in people, but in very different directions. yes, people fuck people over. but sometimes they don't. and even if they are fucking you over, the better people will let you know about it. they'll be self aware and admit that they're just like everyone else. but that makes it so much easier. sure, everyone's trying to get something. but sometimes that thing that you really want is in fact just for the benefit of another person. i understood this before in a rudimentary, romantic sort of way. i still think i've still got a little confusion going on there, but i know that doesn't matter. this is a difficult point which i won't attempt to cover right this second. it would take hours to explore/explain properly. maybe i'll do that tonight.
but yeah. amber and thorn are leaving tomorrow so i'll be alone with the house. i'm looking forward to having the executive positions in both 99 Rock and in Tabard. i'm really worried i'm going to let people down, but i i think all in all i'll step up and fill the position and do all the things i feel need to get done/be addressed (i.e. constitution, general risk management planning and awareness in the house, etc). i don't mean to be a stickler, but i just want Tabard to keep on being a nice and warm fuzzy blue mass of love. and 99 Rock.... well.. i just want to sound cool and be proud of saying i'm the production manager of a radio station. hottness!!
yeah ok i think that's good for now. hmm..... yeah. i'm gonna read about how lame i was in middle school now.
it's weird - i feel bad because during the fall i felt pressured to 'find' more friends to fill the gap left by sarah's absence. my attempts mostly just failed and landed me in trouble, but resulted in me getting much closer to two friends whom i'd fairly casually acquainted myself with before, namely iggy and galloway.
by the way, andrew i'm sorry i called you iggy that one night. i was quite drunk and in some ways you morph into my extremely close male friend who sometimes drinks too much.
so yes, these fine fellows have totally held me together. amber has become my new mother/sister, which has actually helped me a lot in working out how to deal and get closer with my own mother. sister... not so much.
sarah has of course continued to be the result of many desperate acts, but fortunately this winter, these acts of desperation were less self-destructive, more constructive, and i think has generally brought us closer. i've decided to give anti-depressants a go as it's been years since i was last prescribed and refused them and things never really started to look any better. now, in a lot of ways, things are a lot harder, but i understand that it's something i can handle. and if it's something i can't handle, i can ask for help. at the same time, if it's something i can't handle, i can decide what i can handle and what will push me to be able to handle it in the future. i feel like i'm toughening up, and therefore growing up. i still feel like a 15 year old boy, but now mostly because i'm preoccupied with trying to pass and keep up appearances on a regular basis. i've come out at work, to my co-ed frat, to a broader circle of friends and associates and some professors. i've come out to my mother and sister. and i feel fine and stronger and confident, albeit scared sometimes. that's natural though. i don't feel paralyzed. i'm still not used to trusting that things will be ok. iggy and galloway have definitely taught me more about having trust and faith in people, but in very different directions. yes, people fuck people over. but sometimes they don't. and even if they are fucking you over, the better people will let you know about it. they'll be self aware and admit that they're just like everyone else. but that makes it so much easier. sure, everyone's trying to get something. but sometimes that thing that you really want is in fact just for the benefit of another person. i understood this before in a rudimentary, romantic sort of way. i still think i've still got a little confusion going on there, but i know that doesn't matter. this is a difficult point which i won't attempt to cover right this second. it would take hours to explore/explain properly. maybe i'll do that tonight.
but yeah. amber and thorn are leaving tomorrow so i'll be alone with the house. i'm looking forward to having the executive positions in both 99 Rock and in Tabard. i'm really worried i'm going to let people down, but i i think all in all i'll step up and fill the position and do all the things i feel need to get done/be addressed (i.e. constitution, general risk management planning and awareness in the house, etc). i don't mean to be a stickler, but i just want Tabard to keep on being a nice and warm fuzzy blue mass of love. and 99 Rock.... well.. i just want to sound cool and be proud of saying i'm the production manager of a radio station. hottness!!
yeah ok i think that's good for now. hmm..... yeah. i'm gonna read about how lame i was in middle school now.