so i got to thinking about loneliness. is it an emotion or a state of being? it might be both. to feel alone is to be alone. or so j. safran foer says in everything is illuminated. i agree. the state of loneliness is is invoked by the feeling or literally, by not being near a person. we pick up on it just like we pick up on a white wall and want to fill it with pictures or words or colors. ideally we could take comfort in loneliness just like someone can take comfort in the nothingness of a white wall. and sometimes we do, but we can't forever. but we take notice of loneliness because naturally, one wants to do something about finding other people to share experiences with. here is where drugs would come into place and possibly fill that void. in most philosophical and completely idealistic levels drugs would make sense. but looking at them in a practical level. they fuck up people's lives. from being physically fucked up, to jail, homelessness, and all those worst case scenarios...they don't seem like a good option. especially if one looks for stability. it'd be great if one could rule and be in perfect balance of their own world in the midst of chaos. but sadly, that is not the case. drugs bring that chaos and seeming (fill in the blank with w/e state of being), but they're not practical. hippies were happy, but they were also broke, unless they were rich snobs. people have goals and desires, so back to loneliness, humans are social creatures and it's not natural to be alone; so to feed 'the experience' of life, we need other people to create and achieve goals, whichever it might be. personal goals wouldn't exist unless we had other people to feed our minds and offer that intricacy and variety needed for creativity, rebellion, protest, change, new thoughts and patterns. everyone feeds off the other. so picking up on the lack of something that is needed, is only natural. people are needed, lonliness brings awareness to this.
i do agree with kozak that you need a passion. then again, everything in life should be passionately done. it'd make things much more dramatic and fun, but it's nice to try it once in a while. filll the futile and depressing void with purpose. i find the quest for knowledge, any knowledge, to be limitlessly fulfilling. and yes, sometimes i'm reading things i really don't have time for at exeter. but you just have to say fuck it on occassion. and the down time, chill relaxation, i'm content with doing nothing. i concentrate on my breathing if i get depressed or want to destroy everything. i focus on my living being, even if that in itself pisses me off. i go outside and just look at the sky. then i go write or play guitar. release the want to express. contain the myself in a ball of self control or go into dining hall, do something bold, and leave with some sense of satisfaction, regardless of the consequences of my actions. ::cough:: heh.
oh man, this should've been my own journal entry...not a comment. sorry.
i have a feeling this will become an entry of my own at a later date...exeterbohemianMay 31 2006, 07:22:19 UTC
i like my walls to be white. minimalism is my aesthetic just as it is my heart. and yes, it should be known that drugs are riddled with problems. hunter s. thompson addresses this in fear and loathing in las vegas, talking about the children of timothy leary's generation and that intrinsic optimism and idealism for the future. and how it died. see, i'm not a fan of addictive substances. namely, anything that gets you high. granted, my use of any drug has never gotten to the point of it 'necessitating' my existence. but i've certainly taken drugs to get high (weed, dxm, speed, etc.). and while that can be fun, there's really no substance to it. it's an easy way to feel good and get fucked up that really requires no effort. that said, i don't want to undermine the potential benefits of drugs. back in the day i had many life-changing introspective trips and revelations on dxm, not to mention the various deep creative catharses. but those instances are somewhat remote. it's not like every time i trip the yield of it is something profound. so yeah. for the most part, drugs are like an easy button. a quick way to feel good. and i don't like that prospect. HOWEVER i did just trip acid for the first time. and had a wonderfully magnificent experience. i had this whole elaborate graphical understanding of matter and energy and relative scales of magnitude and the universe and everything else. realizing how everything... it changes. not to mention the hallucinations. which, by the way, were by no means 'hallucinations' in the conventional sense. i mean, like with shrooms or any other hallucinogen i've done before, it feels like you're wearing goggles. like there's this filter in front of your eyes distorting everything you see. making the walls breathe and the furniture melt. it's novel, but not really all that profound. and you know through it all what is hallucination. because everything gets affected in the same way. lsd is nothing like that. for the most part, you feel normal. sane, rational and cognitive. and everything around you is fine. but then it's not. i don't even know how to describe it. colors all glowing at the mere power of suggestion. infinite fascination and aesthetic present in the most remote pockets of experience. you're not seeing crazy shit. the world itself has become crazy and you are there witnessing it. and it's immensely deep. and it's immensely real. the hallucinations are not just visual, either... they are auditory and tactile as well. everything is so significant. everything makes sense. and this is not some illusionary delusion of understanding. it is reality. the reality of ourselves and of mankind and of the chemical nature of consciousness. a glorious reaffirmation. the truth that is the beauty in all of us. i guess the point i'm trying to make is that my life has been changed for the better. far better. on account of this solitary experience with lsd. part of it is, it doesn't get you high. there's no tranquil euphoria that makes all the problems of the world disappear and lets you recede into your own introspective headtrip reverie of escapism and oblivion. in fact, it's entirely the opposite. the fulfillment and contentment and exploration comes from the sewing of this seed of extroverted expansion and discovery. embracing the universe and deciphering the latent meaning of everything and nothing. lsd doesn't get you high. there's nothing to get addicted to. lsd is us asking the questions. and you'll find that there's a whole universe of answers out there just waiting to be found.
actually it's not. lsd doesn't affect your dopamine and serotonin levels in the same way that most drugs do. thc, opioid derivatives, amphetamines, etc. all bind to your neural receptor sites and in effect prevent the reuptake of said extracellular neurotransmitters. meaning that the same chemical signal is getting fired over and over again because their return pathway has been cut off. and that's what gets you high. ask erowid, ask anyone else. lsd has virtually no discernible physically addictive attributes. and having experienced it for myself, i can say that i quite intimately understand and agree with that prospect.
it's still psychologically addictive. i had a friend back in miami who had to go to rehab to stop her lsd use. but w/e. uh...and maybe we should take this conversation outside of tiger's lj.
i do agree with kozak that you need a passion. then again, everything in life should be passionately done. it'd make things much more dramatic and fun, but it's nice to try it once in a while. filll the futile and depressing void with purpose. i find the quest for knowledge, any knowledge, to be limitlessly fulfilling. and yes, sometimes i'm reading things i really don't have time for at exeter. but you just have to say fuck it on occassion. and the down time, chill relaxation, i'm content with doing nothing. i concentrate on my breathing if i get depressed or want to destroy everything. i focus on my living being, even if that in itself pisses me off. i go outside and just look at the sky. then i go write or play guitar. release the want to express. contain the myself in a ball of self control or go into dining hall, do something bold, and leave with some sense of satisfaction, regardless of the consequences of my actions. ::cough:: heh.
oh man, this should've been my own journal entry...not a comment. sorry.
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your comment was completely fine until you said that. sorry, that is bs.
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in agreement about most things
we'll do better next time
this is a pretty good beginning
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