(no subject)
This was really just for me. If you want to comment, go ahead. But it's long, and very self-centered. It's basically a list of things that I want for myself--things I'm trying to work on. A list of things I've had in my mind for a while now that I needed to put down in words.
I do ask that you dont read it if you are just looking for something to critcize. This isn't meant to be emo at all. My thoughts were just a little blurry and I'm determined(probably bad choice of a word) to do some of these things....at least that the things that I do have some control over.
I want to be healthy. Eating right, exercising, having energy, being flexible, not being able to be asked if I'm pregnant. I want to be thinner and I want my face to clear up, my hair to be amazing and styled perfectly to my personality. I want my personality to come through the way I look and dress. And not even in my appearance but in my room as well. I want my personality to come through every aspect about me and everything that I do. I want someone to be able to look at pictures of me and my room and my lifestyle and feel as if they know me or at least know a little about me.
I want to have a group. A circle of friends that I can consider family. A group that knows so much about each other and can do anything or talk about anything together. I don't want a big group of like, 20 people, just a few, close, VERY close friends that will be there for me and with me for the rest of my life.
I want to belong somewhere. I want a place that I can be totally myself in both physically and emotionally/spiritual. A place where I am safe, and respected, and appreciated, and accepted, but also a place that I can go and be completely alone just to think. A special place that is mine--to share with whoever I want, if I want to share it with someone.
I want to be able to keep secrets. I want there to always be something a little bit vague about me. Something that always leaves someone wanting to know more. Something that always leaves someone wondering and not knowing. Something hidden--deep inside the dark corners of my mind and heart. Something that I treat with a higher value than my life.
I want people to be able to know me just from talking to me. And to really know me, or something about me that is accurate. I want that something to be something that people like and admire in me. Soemthing that immediately makes someone want to talk to me more or get to know me more. I want to be interesting and intriguing. I want to be liked. I don't want to make enemies from one conversation. I want someone to meet me and actually think I'm nice and not a bitch, or stupid, or conceited, or screwed up, or annoying, or anything bad.
I want to know myself well enough to portray that. I know I have that interesting personality that shows once someone really gets to know me but I can't show it. I want to be able to come out from behind whatever walls I'm hiding behind. I want to not be shy or quiet but not loud either. I want to speak out for myself and correct people--no, not correct people...I want to be able to say what I mean right first so I don't have to repeat it. I want to be able to say what I mean and not have it come out sounding wishy-washy or unsure. I want to be confident and sure of myself--both coming from being able to portray myself correctly. I want to be able to hold my tongue so I don't come off as stupid or conceited or condescending because I know I do now.
I want to start over with most of the people I know. I want to be able to fix the things I've broken. I want to be able to make everything better for everyone I've ever done wrong to and everyone that I have ever cared about.
I want to have a talent. Something I'm good at naturally. Or even a passion. Something that I love that I can do for the rest of my life. Something I can do on my own or with others to make them happy, amuse them, entertain them, or just something that I can do for them. Something like acting, dancing, drawing, music, painting. Something that I can share with people but that brings me joy no matter what mood I am in.
I want a best friend. Just one. Well, I want more than one good friends but I want that one best friend that all girls in movies and teen books have. That one friend that I can tell anything to...that I do everything with. Just someone, guy or girl, that loves me as much as I love them and that I have a totally unconditional love and friendship with. A friend that I am almost inseperable with. I don't really even want a boyfriend right now. The only reason I would want that is for that best friend.
I want to get away from this town. I want high school to be over. I want to start over-in a new place-with a new mindset-a new approach to things. I'm so afraid of turning 18 and graduating high school but I'm so looking forward to it as well. I'm looking forward to growing up, being able to start my own life-different from the way I've lived with my parents. Developing new habits and my own lifestyle and my own house and job. Looking forward to being able to decorate my entire house or apartment(in whatever state I choose) the way I want to and keeping it the way I want. With my own scents and my own routines. I want my parents to allow me to do that more now with my lifestyle.
I do ask that you dont read it if you are just looking for something to critcize. This isn't meant to be emo at all. My thoughts were just a little blurry and I'm determined(probably bad choice of a word) to do some of these things....at least that the things that I do have some control over.
I want to be healthy. Eating right, exercising, having energy, being flexible, not being able to be asked if I'm pregnant. I want to be thinner and I want my face to clear up, my hair to be amazing and styled perfectly to my personality. I want my personality to come through the way I look and dress. And not even in my appearance but in my room as well. I want my personality to come through every aspect about me and everything that I do. I want someone to be able to look at pictures of me and my room and my lifestyle and feel as if they know me or at least know a little about me.
I want to have a group. A circle of friends that I can consider family. A group that knows so much about each other and can do anything or talk about anything together. I don't want a big group of like, 20 people, just a few, close, VERY close friends that will be there for me and with me for the rest of my life.
I want to belong somewhere. I want a place that I can be totally myself in both physically and emotionally/spiritual. A place where I am safe, and respected, and appreciated, and accepted, but also a place that I can go and be completely alone just to think. A special place that is mine--to share with whoever I want, if I want to share it with someone.
I want to be able to keep secrets. I want there to always be something a little bit vague about me. Something that always leaves someone wanting to know more. Something that always leaves someone wondering and not knowing. Something hidden--deep inside the dark corners of my mind and heart. Something that I treat with a higher value than my life.
I want people to be able to know me just from talking to me. And to really know me, or something about me that is accurate. I want that something to be something that people like and admire in me. Soemthing that immediately makes someone want to talk to me more or get to know me more. I want to be interesting and intriguing. I want to be liked. I don't want to make enemies from one conversation. I want someone to meet me and actually think I'm nice and not a bitch, or stupid, or conceited, or screwed up, or annoying, or anything bad.
I want to know myself well enough to portray that. I know I have that interesting personality that shows once someone really gets to know me but I can't show it. I want to be able to come out from behind whatever walls I'm hiding behind. I want to not be shy or quiet but not loud either. I want to speak out for myself and correct people--no, not correct people...I want to be able to say what I mean right first so I don't have to repeat it. I want to be able to say what I mean and not have it come out sounding wishy-washy or unsure. I want to be confident and sure of myself--both coming from being able to portray myself correctly. I want to be able to hold my tongue so I don't come off as stupid or conceited or condescending because I know I do now.
I want to start over with most of the people I know. I want to be able to fix the things I've broken. I want to be able to make everything better for everyone I've ever done wrong to and everyone that I have ever cared about.
I want to have a talent. Something I'm good at naturally. Or even a passion. Something that I love that I can do for the rest of my life. Something I can do on my own or with others to make them happy, amuse them, entertain them, or just something that I can do for them. Something like acting, dancing, drawing, music, painting. Something that I can share with people but that brings me joy no matter what mood I am in.
I want a best friend. Just one. Well, I want more than one good friends but I want that one best friend that all girls in movies and teen books have. That one friend that I can tell anything to...that I do everything with. Just someone, guy or girl, that loves me as much as I love them and that I have a totally unconditional love and friendship with. A friend that I am almost inseperable with. I don't really even want a boyfriend right now. The only reason I would want that is for that best friend.
I want to get away from this town. I want high school to be over. I want to start over-in a new place-with a new mindset-a new approach to things. I'm so afraid of turning 18 and graduating high school but I'm so looking forward to it as well. I'm looking forward to growing up, being able to start my own life-different from the way I've lived with my parents. Developing new habits and my own lifestyle and my own house and job. Looking forward to being able to decorate my entire house or apartment(in whatever state I choose) the way I want to and keeping it the way I want. With my own scents and my own routines. I want my parents to allow me to do that more now with my lifestyle.