Wasting my time on nothing special
Im thinking about breaking up with Chris. I cant even stand to look at him when im speaking. I hate him. He has fucked up so much, and i feel that for someone who is supposed to be on the path of a final chance in earning back trust.....he's doing a pathetic job. Yesterday we went to Portsmouth to see the Mary Rose...and i felt it was soo hard to spend that time with him.....cause he wasn't even trying to make things better. It was just the two of us spending this torturous long day together. I dont even know why im giving this another chance. Im not really into it. All i could see all day were these other happy couples holding hands and having a good time, and there was Chris....probably checking out everything with boobs. Or so I felt. he should be spending the last few days of this probational period trying to make me fall back in love with him. He's wasteing my time. Yesterday we had sex...i didnt want it but i couldnt help myself. That makes me weak and pathetic too. Today i woke up and the thought of it made me puke my guts out. My nerves are shot, i am so hurt and pissed off. I think he assumes he will get away easy this time. Again. If i decide to stay with him than in some way he will.....but this is something i wont get over easily. The first time i found out about things was before we booked our holiday and i tryed to stall the booking for a few days until i decided if i wanted to leave or not. Eventualy i caved in and we booked.........but now i wish we werent going. How am i supposed to have a good time now sarrounded by half naked people, and my shitty bf. I hate him! I hate him for ruining such a good thing. And i feel so stupid.....because this is nothing new, he's been hurtung me all along, he's just been good at lying about it. Which is worse? The fact that he's been seeing other girls, chatting up other girls, fucking them over the internet, writing dirty emails to them (but apparently not touching them) behind my back, or the fact that he's been lying about the whole thing. And even when confronted...lyed to my face!!! TWICE! What a fucking loser. I know what goes on dont fucking insult me by lying about it. I feel like everything he says and does is a lie. Im mad at myself too.......because i've always known in my heart that he would hurt me. Why i didnt listen to myzelf is beyond me. Maybe it's because he's overly minipulative and i didnt know what i was thinking. Ever since the beginning of our relashionship i've been completley paranoid, jelous, scared, not very trusting in other people, unconfident....and i think why? This isn't like me! I've noticed since the beginning that he has wondering eyes, and i've mentioned it on here before too. He's never made me feel like i was the only one he was interested in. In any way. Yet he always says at the end of a fight " you know i love you babe, your the only one for me....you know that right?" And im always left thinking...no i fucking dont! What do you do or say to let me think that! FUCKER! Maybe underneath all of my rage and hatred i still love him somewhere....but i dont feel it right now. Im at a point where i can chose to get on with it or walk away. I wish i could get on with it, thats what i want to do but what would be the point? Everything we've had up until now has been a lie. When he said i was the only one, and that he loved me and never thought about anybody else....lies. How would i ever trust him again when i've spent the lastyear and seven months falling in love with him a little bit more each day, only to have all that love and trust taken away from me in one single moment.It's more my style to just walk away and get over it. I dont deserve this shit. He dosent deserve me, what he deserves is to be on life support and alone in a smelly hospital room. I know he wont change he said he will. I think it's shit. He's a weak, unfeeling asshole with no future.When i was in the middle of listing to his "please i'll do anything act" i told him to change and delete things off the computer. i dont think he has yet....if he were serious about his appologie and commited to changing he would have done that pronto. i know he dosent understand the seriousnous of the situation. I will make his life hell when im gone. He promised to change and i said "well you can always have a secret email address and continue your habbits" and he said no i wont. Like im just supposed to take his word or something. Theres no way for him to prove anything to me. That's not in his favor. I even said...but then there's always MSN, im sure you flirt and fuck on that too.....and he sort of laughed and assured me not. But....im not fucking stupid. I KNOW WHAT GOES ON STOP LIEING! I have proof! Once again he lied to me in the middle of him telling me he would promise to change and earn back trust. If he really cared and wanted to change he would just sit down, talk to me and tell me everything he's been up to, leaving nothing out....cause as far as im concerned what you dont own up to is the same as lieing. As his reason why, he says. "IM an idiot, im anything you want to call me but i love you and i just do things without thinking about them." Is that an excuse? Are you retarded? Where my feelings are concered you better be thinking! Forgive me if im wrong but being signed up to dateing websites and planning trips to "finaly meet" certain girls, is that not inviting trouble? If there was nothing going on worth worrying about, surely he would have told me about these "friends," and what he gets up to when im not around. I shudder to think what he was doing while i was still in Brighton. Or is he not counting that as us being together or something because i was only his "part time girlfriend" and things with me were only "ok." Whatever........as i said before why am i even giving this another chance, i dont exactly feel that he's trying too hard to patch things up even now. What a small cocked homo.