(no subject)
Why is it that whenever i feel like i have things to say, i completley ignore my journal?!? ...Whatevaaa!
So im back in Uk again, "home" as i've been calling it. I think i confuse a lot of people when i speak of this home place, because i refer to at least two diffrent places as my home now. Hell i confuse myself sometimes! I've been thinking about that though...what makes "home" home to me? I've come to a concusion that it's no longer a place or a country...but rather when i think of home i think of Chris. Home is supposed to be what you think of when you try and see a vision of complete comfort, love, and safety....that to me is Chris. lol There's no place like home!
How is it that i can say just about anything and turn it into something lame? baaaaaaa
Anyway England seems a ton nicer the second time around. I dont know why, maybe it's that i gave myself a bit of a breather in going back to Canada and being around things im used to. I dont feel like im in complete exile anymore. haha that being said.the things i didnt like before i still dont appreaciate, but thats to be expected. I feel happier though. :)
I wish i could take my mumma with me here though...i do miss her terribly.
I cannot emphasize enough how nice it was to have somebody nagging me and expecting things of me again. Dont get me wrong, Chris and i have nothing to nag at eachother about...so dont get any bright ideas. ;) I just mean that...well i dont care how old i get i still think it's kind of fun when my mum offers her two sence. "Your not going out of the house in that".........etc. I like having somebody who's not afraid to get mouthy with me. I dont like fighting with Chris but i think it's good to have at least someone in your life that you can argue with until your blue in the face and completley rundown with tears.... maybe im twisted but that's something i love about my family (mum and sisters) one minute we are ripping eachothers hair out and the next minute were laughing about it. Oh and when she asks me to cook supper...SUCH a relief!!!! Since we live with Chris's parents i never get to cook anymore...infact we've been together nearly a year and a half and i dont think i've ever had the chance to properly cook for him...which is a bit worrying. And i dont mean "oh..can you throw a pizza in the oven"...my dear Britain...this is not cooking!
Ahh and family time! I had lots of nice family time! It was nice to have the girls together again. It sounds lame but my mum and my sisters are my best friends. :D It was wonderful!
At my house i never get bored or get lonely because one of us always has a friend or two over and we all get along....so there's always people to hang out with.
Happiness to me is sitting in my living room in the middle of the night having some deep discusion with my mum, my friends, and my sisters...most likely with a cup of tea and a board game sat in front of us. ...I cant recall how many times we played sorry! hehe
It was so good just to be home and get to do things i havent had the chance to do since i moved. Like go to everybody's christmas concerts, and Emily's track practices, make a lunch, hang out after school...etc.
I even got to go to court one morning with my mum. I miss sitting in on that sort of thing.
haha Allison's band concert was the funniest! She's 11 so this is the first year her class has been taking band. Because of the teachers strike they had only been playing their instruments for two months, which meant lots of silly goose noises were made by all the kids! I knew it would be shit so i taped it onto a little cassette so that i could listen to it again and again and again...until the day comes when it's just not funny anymore and i can put it in her memory box.
...........I think the funniest thing was when me and Emily went into Wal-mart and asked where the chains and pad locks were kept. We couldn't help but to feel a bit funny!
Jessica had to babysitt this really creepy little boy who kept threatening to lick our butts...and yea..
dont know why i just remembered that, or even mentioned it.
It was lovely really, i visited my old high school, my old Jr. High, my old theatre...everything. Somehow i felt empty though. Dissatached maybe?
As much as i love it there, i dont think i belong.
I went out one night and saw litteraly everybody i know that i can think of except three! I dont know if people where just home for christmas or what but at that moment i had never been so glad i left. It makes me sad to think of smalltown people going nowhere. Not like im doing much better...i've only changed small towns....but at least i know that there's something more to the world than PA.
Ahhh *frustration sits in* It's been so long since i've updated..im trying but im only doing it half heartidly. I have so much to say but i dont know how to say it. I cant even concentrate on filling everyone in on "whats been up and how was canada," cause honestly at the moment it's not important.
At the moment im extreamly unhappy. I feel like i have a lot of dissicions to make and none of them will make me happy without the support of the others.
Im So bored.
Why do i have to decide between the love of my life, and the love of life.
And yet...im the only one saying this. Am i giving myself an ultimatum? - Or am i silently trying to come to terms with things without hearing the things im not prepared to hear.
I feel so alone.
I feel like im in a coma watching everything happen around me and all that i do is breath.
All im ever doing is waiting. Waiting for my stupid shift to be over at the stupid job i hate, waiting to find and get a job i like, waiting for Chris to come home, waiting, for him to turn the FUCKING tv off and talk to me for five minutes before we go to sleep, waiting for him to fall asleep so i can scream into my pillow with frustration, waiting for him to leave again in the morning so we can do it all over. And of course the worst thing of all...waiting to see what happens in august.
I dont believe it will be fine. Although i want it to be more than anything!
I love my Chris!
In other news, we saw Zebrahead agaian a few weeks ago and are on the guest list again for London. Which will be really cool cause it'll be a bigger gig.
We were also supposed to see Funeral for a Friend last weekend but when we got there we were told it was being reschedualed because they were all ill. Which i guess is fair enough except it wont happen again till may.
Chris got a new sexy car yesterday. (MR2) nice little red number!
Im going for a walkie now cause for once the sun is shining!
I want to go to school again if im grounded to England. (Last minute thought)
So im back in Uk again, "home" as i've been calling it. I think i confuse a lot of people when i speak of this home place, because i refer to at least two diffrent places as my home now. Hell i confuse myself sometimes! I've been thinking about that though...what makes "home" home to me? I've come to a concusion that it's no longer a place or a country...but rather when i think of home i think of Chris. Home is supposed to be what you think of when you try and see a vision of complete comfort, love, and safety....that to me is Chris. lol There's no place like home!
How is it that i can say just about anything and turn it into something lame? baaaaaaa
Anyway England seems a ton nicer the second time around. I dont know why, maybe it's that i gave myself a bit of a breather in going back to Canada and being around things im used to. I dont feel like im in complete exile anymore. haha that being said.the things i didnt like before i still dont appreaciate, but thats to be expected. I feel happier though. :)
I wish i could take my mumma with me here though...i do miss her terribly.
I cannot emphasize enough how nice it was to have somebody nagging me and expecting things of me again. Dont get me wrong, Chris and i have nothing to nag at eachother about...so dont get any bright ideas. ;) I just mean that...well i dont care how old i get i still think it's kind of fun when my mum offers her two sence. "Your not going out of the house in that".........etc. I like having somebody who's not afraid to get mouthy with me. I dont like fighting with Chris but i think it's good to have at least someone in your life that you can argue with until your blue in the face and completley rundown with tears.... maybe im twisted but that's something i love about my family (mum and sisters) one minute we are ripping eachothers hair out and the next minute were laughing about it. Oh and when she asks me to cook supper...SUCH a relief!!!! Since we live with Chris's parents i never get to cook anymore...infact we've been together nearly a year and a half and i dont think i've ever had the chance to properly cook for him...which is a bit worrying. And i dont mean "oh..can you throw a pizza in the oven"...my dear Britain...this is not cooking!
Ahh and family time! I had lots of nice family time! It was nice to have the girls together again. It sounds lame but my mum and my sisters are my best friends. :D It was wonderful!
At my house i never get bored or get lonely because one of us always has a friend or two over and we all get along....so there's always people to hang out with.
Happiness to me is sitting in my living room in the middle of the night having some deep discusion with my mum, my friends, and my sisters...most likely with a cup of tea and a board game sat in front of us. ...I cant recall how many times we played sorry! hehe
It was so good just to be home and get to do things i havent had the chance to do since i moved. Like go to everybody's christmas concerts, and Emily's track practices, make a lunch, hang out after school...etc.
I even got to go to court one morning with my mum. I miss sitting in on that sort of thing.
haha Allison's band concert was the funniest! She's 11 so this is the first year her class has been taking band. Because of the teachers strike they had only been playing their instruments for two months, which meant lots of silly goose noises were made by all the kids! I knew it would be shit so i taped it onto a little cassette so that i could listen to it again and again and again...until the day comes when it's just not funny anymore and i can put it in her memory box.
...........I think the funniest thing was when me and Emily went into Wal-mart and asked where the chains and pad locks were kept. We couldn't help but to feel a bit funny!
Jessica had to babysitt this really creepy little boy who kept threatening to lick our butts...and yea..
dont know why i just remembered that, or even mentioned it.
It was lovely really, i visited my old high school, my old Jr. High, my old theatre...everything. Somehow i felt empty though. Dissatached maybe?
As much as i love it there, i dont think i belong.
I went out one night and saw litteraly everybody i know that i can think of except three! I dont know if people where just home for christmas or what but at that moment i had never been so glad i left. It makes me sad to think of smalltown people going nowhere. Not like im doing much better...i've only changed small towns....but at least i know that there's something more to the world than PA.
Ahhh *frustration sits in* It's been so long since i've updated..im trying but im only doing it half heartidly. I have so much to say but i dont know how to say it. I cant even concentrate on filling everyone in on "whats been up and how was canada," cause honestly at the moment it's not important.
At the moment im extreamly unhappy. I feel like i have a lot of dissicions to make and none of them will make me happy without the support of the others.
Im So bored.
Why do i have to decide between the love of my life, and the love of life.
And yet...im the only one saying this. Am i giving myself an ultimatum? - Or am i silently trying to come to terms with things without hearing the things im not prepared to hear.
I feel so alone.
I feel like im in a coma watching everything happen around me and all that i do is breath.
All im ever doing is waiting. Waiting for my stupid shift to be over at the stupid job i hate, waiting to find and get a job i like, waiting for Chris to come home, waiting, for him to turn the FUCKING tv off and talk to me for five minutes before we go to sleep, waiting for him to fall asleep so i can scream into my pillow with frustration, waiting for him to leave again in the morning so we can do it all over. And of course the worst thing of all...waiting to see what happens in august.
I dont believe it will be fine. Although i want it to be more than anything!
I love my Chris!
In other news, we saw Zebrahead agaian a few weeks ago and are on the guest list again for London. Which will be really cool cause it'll be a bigger gig.
We were also supposed to see Funeral for a Friend last weekend but when we got there we were told it was being reschedualed because they were all ill. Which i guess is fair enough except it wont happen again till may.
Chris got a new sexy car yesterday. (MR2) nice little red number!
Im going for a walkie now cause for once the sun is shining!
I want to go to school again if im grounded to England. (Last minute thought)