I love you Oma!!!
Sunday november 27th....my Oma died today. Not as if this hasnt already been a shit enough weekend...wait a shit enough month...
I cant sleep again and i find myself on the computer...whats new? Chris is going to tease me in the morning for staying up to write yet another melodramatic entry nobody will read. (except him...and he only does it to tease me) I dont care. i dont need an audience...i entertain myself...but thats another scary story. Nobody should laugh with themselves as much as i do... Anyway my great grandma's past away. I know it was bound to happen but it feels even worse knowing that i would have got to see her in another 13 days. I dont think that's fair. I know it's not my fault and theres nothing i could have done but i feel so awkward being all the way over here and out of the picture. I Love her. A lot of people have pissed me off in my family for reasons which i wont get into but she never played stupid games with me. She was always strate forward with everybody and often when people thought she was being mean...she was just having a laugh. And i loved that because im the same way. We had an understanding of the dark side. Im really pissed off at the moment cause as i sit here jotting down my thoughts and trying to let out some of my greif, all i can here is chris snarling at me(in my mind) saying "It's all about you." He's been pissy lately...but would probably say the same thing about me. I wouldnt change him for anybody though...ever..i love my Chris! Anyway...back to Oma. Im really sad because a part of me knew that this visit would be the last time i got to see her...but i never expected to miss my last chance. Plus it's so close to Christmas and i was really looking foward to seeing my whole family and having a nice muppet christmas style time. Now everybody's going to be depressed. And i've worked so hard over the past little while to not fall into the pit of depression for various reasons. It's hard. I think this is going to be a really difficult situation for everybody...cause she wasn't just a nice sweet old lady, she was a handful, and as much as we all loved her it hurt everybody too much to be as close to her as we could have been. I feel like half the time i forced my dad into taking us to visit her...cause he never liked to. He always found some excuse not to. And when my grandma took me to visit her mum i think she always felt like i was being a good girl not complaining about being dragged around. I would always say "No...i enjoy seeing her." And everybody would laugh at me and not really know how to respond. But it's the truth i really really loved to see her. She's my babuschka...
I cant sleep again and i find myself on the computer...whats new? Chris is going to tease me in the morning for staying up to write yet another melodramatic entry nobody will read. (except him...and he only does it to tease me) I dont care. i dont need an audience...i entertain myself...but thats another scary story. Nobody should laugh with themselves as much as i do... Anyway my great grandma's past away. I know it was bound to happen but it feels even worse knowing that i would have got to see her in another 13 days. I dont think that's fair. I know it's not my fault and theres nothing i could have done but i feel so awkward being all the way over here and out of the picture. I Love her. A lot of people have pissed me off in my family for reasons which i wont get into but she never played stupid games with me. She was always strate forward with everybody and often when people thought she was being mean...she was just having a laugh. And i loved that because im the same way. We had an understanding of the dark side. Im really pissed off at the moment cause as i sit here jotting down my thoughts and trying to let out some of my greif, all i can here is chris snarling at me(in my mind) saying "It's all about you." He's been pissy lately...but would probably say the same thing about me. I wouldnt change him for anybody though...ever..i love my Chris! Anyway...back to Oma. Im really sad because a part of me knew that this visit would be the last time i got to see her...but i never expected to miss my last chance. Plus it's so close to Christmas and i was really looking foward to seeing my whole family and having a nice muppet christmas style time. Now everybody's going to be depressed. And i've worked so hard over the past little while to not fall into the pit of depression for various reasons. It's hard. I think this is going to be a really difficult situation for everybody...cause she wasn't just a nice sweet old lady, she was a handful, and as much as we all loved her it hurt everybody too much to be as close to her as we could have been. I feel like half the time i forced my dad into taking us to visit her...cause he never liked to. He always found some excuse not to. And when my grandma took me to visit her mum i think she always felt like i was being a good girl not complaining about being dragged around. I would always say "No...i enjoy seeing her." And everybody would laugh at me and not really know how to respond. But it's the truth i really really loved to see her. She's my babuschka...