Same ol Same ol
It's been two weeks and two days since we quit smoking and it's been going relatively well. Or should I say surprizingly well. I expected to be moody or something. *shrugs*
Other than that...things pretty much suck. Angyl and I had gotten into a little arguement a couple of days ago and right afterward she got sick. I am such an ass. What kind of person makes a person sick to their stomaches? Ok, so it's been longer than just a couple of days that I have been feeling like an ass, but I was able to fake it before.
Finances are so fucked up right now and it's all because the car broke down and it's going to cost $500+ to fix it. *shrugs* So what's the point of trying anymore? In four years we have pretty much stayed in the same hole. Ok...yea we went from renting a mobile home to renting a house. And ok...we have furniture now. But do you know where we got all our furniture?? Colortyme and garage sales. I think I can name 3 things in our house that's new. So what's the point of busting my ass? It's not going to do any good.
I sit here and wonder if it's me. I'm some bad luck or something. Maybe it's payback for all of the shit that I put other people through in high school. Whatever. I don't care.
It was alluded to about a week or so ago that I'm a bad owner. I don't know how to run any forums. Well look at the groups I run....We have four active writers in our role play forum and the dolling forum is dead. So *shrugs* perhaps they are right. I don't even know why I do the writing thing anyhow. My writing sucks, there's not a lot of excitement, who would want to join or write in it. So what's the point of sticking around there?
Which brings me back to the finances....I make nothing. 0. zip. zilch. And yet I continue to do the say routine. I don't know that I CAN get a real job...my knee is shot and my feet are just getting worse. I can't stand long enough to walk from one end of Wal-Mart to the other. My feet and knee starts to hurt so bad that I CAN'T stand up. So, again, what's the point? Just sit here and be a bumb on this log and watch as everything passes by.
There are so many things I want and not all of them for myself...hardly any of it for myself. I would like to help out some very close friends of mine. But *shrugs* again I can't cause nothing I do works.
Oh! And everytime I cook now it get messed up. *shrugs* So there's yet another thing I can't do.
And Angyl just got off the phone with the car repair place and it seems there's something else wrong with the car. Guess who did that? I did. I fucking did it. Angyl and I had an arguement and I said "The next time the car breaks down, I hope it's something worse so you can see that $500 isn't all that much when it comes to cars."
I think my father was right to lock me in that cellar so many times. Sometimes I wish I had never left the cellar. I should have been beaten more. He should have just beat me to death. I know he wanted to. Sometimes I wanted him to also. I was beat for 17 years of my life. Now I see the reason for it. Then I was in a relationship with my kid's mother and was treated like shit. Then my kids die. Now I have people leaving me left and right. I used to question as to if I were such a bad person. Now I know. I wouldn't have gone through what I went through if I was a GOOD person. *shrugs*
And now that you have read this....*shrugs* I don't know. I should just leave so people can start having good luck again. It won't be the first time I've lived on the streets.
Other than that...things pretty much suck. Angyl and I had gotten into a little arguement a couple of days ago and right afterward she got sick. I am such an ass. What kind of person makes a person sick to their stomaches? Ok, so it's been longer than just a couple of days that I have been feeling like an ass, but I was able to fake it before.
Finances are so fucked up right now and it's all because the car broke down and it's going to cost $500+ to fix it. *shrugs* So what's the point of trying anymore? In four years we have pretty much stayed in the same hole. Ok...yea we went from renting a mobile home to renting a house. And ok...we have furniture now. But do you know where we got all our furniture?? Colortyme and garage sales. I think I can name 3 things in our house that's new. So what's the point of busting my ass? It's not going to do any good.
I sit here and wonder if it's me. I'm some bad luck or something. Maybe it's payback for all of the shit that I put other people through in high school. Whatever. I don't care.
It was alluded to about a week or so ago that I'm a bad owner. I don't know how to run any forums. Well look at the groups I run....We have four active writers in our role play forum and the dolling forum is dead. So *shrugs* perhaps they are right. I don't even know why I do the writing thing anyhow. My writing sucks, there's not a lot of excitement, who would want to join or write in it. So what's the point of sticking around there?
Which brings me back to the finances....I make nothing. 0. zip. zilch. And yet I continue to do the say routine. I don't know that I CAN get a real job...my knee is shot and my feet are just getting worse. I can't stand long enough to walk from one end of Wal-Mart to the other. My feet and knee starts to hurt so bad that I CAN'T stand up. So, again, what's the point? Just sit here and be a bumb on this log and watch as everything passes by.
There are so many things I want and not all of them for myself...hardly any of it for myself. I would like to help out some very close friends of mine. But *shrugs* again I can't cause nothing I do works.
Oh! And everytime I cook now it get messed up. *shrugs* So there's yet another thing I can't do.
And Angyl just got off the phone with the car repair place and it seems there's something else wrong with the car. Guess who did that? I did. I fucking did it. Angyl and I had an arguement and I said "The next time the car breaks down, I hope it's something worse so you can see that $500 isn't all that much when it comes to cars."
I think my father was right to lock me in that cellar so many times. Sometimes I wish I had never left the cellar. I should have been beaten more. He should have just beat me to death. I know he wanted to. Sometimes I wanted him to also. I was beat for 17 years of my life. Now I see the reason for it. Then I was in a relationship with my kid's mother and was treated like shit. Then my kids die. Now I have people leaving me left and right. I used to question as to if I were such a bad person. Now I know. I wouldn't have gone through what I went through if I was a GOOD person. *shrugs*
And now that you have read this....*shrugs* I don't know. I should just leave so people can start having good luck again. It won't be the first time I've lived on the streets.