(no subject)
In response to my own bitching about myself, I was thinking really hard last night, and now actually have something of weight to say instead of my usual drabble. Not that I really expect you to read it, I'd just like to vocalize for a while and get these thoughts out so maybe they'll leave me alone and let me sleep.
I was looking back at conversations I've had in the recent past, and realized that lately my mind has just been on this track about "but love does exist". Upon thinking further, I finally made myself admit the obvious connection to (my new favorite book in the world) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance. It said that no one fights for the things that aren't in doubt in the first place. Nobody's preaching in the streets that the sun is going to come up tomorrow; everybody already knows that. It's not technicaly a fact yet, but we're pretty damn confident.
And I realized that is where this keeps coming from. I keep insisting, to myself and out loud, because it's in doubt. And that scares me. I want it to be there, it's one of those beautiful things about life that even if you don't have it right now, you can always look back or forwards to it. I want it to stay true.
And I realized that while I've been so much better than I have been in the past, that even when something really is bad, I hide it. I try to hide it from myself, because I don't want the good times to end. Until it builds so much in secret that suddenly I'm crying or shaking in fear and don't even know why.
There's got to be a better way to deal with this.
I was looking back at conversations I've had in the recent past, and realized that lately my mind has just been on this track about "but love does exist". Upon thinking further, I finally made myself admit the obvious connection to (my new favorite book in the world) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance. It said that no one fights for the things that aren't in doubt in the first place. Nobody's preaching in the streets that the sun is going to come up tomorrow; everybody already knows that. It's not technicaly a fact yet, but we're pretty damn confident.
And I realized that is where this keeps coming from. I keep insisting, to myself and out loud, because it's in doubt. And that scares me. I want it to be there, it's one of those beautiful things about life that even if you don't have it right now, you can always look back or forwards to it. I want it to stay true.
And I realized that while I've been so much better than I have been in the past, that even when something really is bad, I hide it. I try to hide it from myself, because I don't want the good times to end. Until it builds so much in secret that suddenly I'm crying or shaking in fear and don't even know why.
There's got to be a better way to deal with this.