silence seems pretty common
so I sign into my livejournal two and a half years after my last post and it's funny because I've logged in for the same exact reason I logged in last time. because a boy is ignoring me and I need an outlet. this time at least that's not the only thing that's got me down. but it just doesn't make any sense. there was an incident, he ignored me for two days, we finally spoke, I asked if we were together and he said no so I let him go. and then I wrote him a letter and he ignored it and so we didn't speak for four days. but then I see him and he's like hi and he speaks to me and we have a conversation. he makes me give him a hug, talks to me for a day, and then is gone again. I just don't get it. but I've since deleted his number and have no way to communicate now, which is good since he isn't speaking anyway. but last week I felt fine and its like, that Friday conversation ruined that fine feeling and now its so much harder and I don't know why. I've grown so much and I'm not as dumb as I was before with other dudes. I guess I just always remember how much I hate meeting people and especially when they're better than the rest, and then having them leave me. its just so routine now. granted, it's always a long time in between because it takes a lot for me to be involved. but its still shitty. I feel helpless because I feel like I've been able to get through the work things because I've had him to talk to. but I don't want to feel like I need him because I know I don't. I just want him. and it makes me sad when I lose things I want and know I can't have them anymore and I don't have an explanation for it. I mean, I do, kind of, but not really. I don't know how many posts I'll make this time or what I'll write every day but I know I need an outlet and I know that I can only overwhelming my friends so much before they start to get annoyed. like rob, who still thinks I just need to be patient and it'll be fine, and I know he knows him and he was right the first time that he'd talk to me again but its hard to decide what to believe. I want that to happen but I also want to be realistic which I think means I need to move on. I pray every day and its still just as hard. anyway. I'll be back tomorrow I guess.