Out of the ordinary...
I smoked a couple cigarettes today. Not just one.. but a couple.
When things get tough.. When I'm not feeling good.. When I'm emotional.. whatever the case may be.. When something is wrong, I do something to ease the pain or stress. Like anybody would.
Some people chose to drink, some people cut themselves, some people use violence, Some listen to angry music, some write to get things out..
I've done almost all of those in the past. I had just been dealing with my emotions and not using any outlet what so ever. But today was different.
Things felt wierd. Something wasn't right. But I couldn't find out what it was. It just made me feel wierd. Then I read something I shouldn't have.. Just because it was on my computer screen and I happened to look over and see it. Then I got really depressed.. Then I was left alone. And I cried a little.. then went in the bathroom and smoked a cigarette.. then cried some more.
I really just need to talk. Not to just anyone.. But communication is important in a relationship. And if I don't talk about this.. Then there will always be trust issues. And I don't want that. I don't want anything to happen because this is the best thing to happen to me in a long time..
Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is it that when I get like this, I hardly ever know what started it.. or why it's happening? Why can't I just be happy? Is that too much to ask ??
And now.. I want to curl up in a ball.. and cry myself to sleep because I'm alone when I wasn't supposed to be alone. ='(
[edit]
I've smoked 4 cigarettes..
And I walked around for like 45 minutes..
And it's like 19 degrees outside.
[/edit]
When things get tough.. When I'm not feeling good.. When I'm emotional.. whatever the case may be.. When something is wrong, I do something to ease the pain or stress. Like anybody would.
Some people chose to drink, some people cut themselves, some people use violence, Some listen to angry music, some write to get things out..
I've done almost all of those in the past. I had just been dealing with my emotions and not using any outlet what so ever. But today was different.
Things felt wierd. Something wasn't right. But I couldn't find out what it was. It just made me feel wierd. Then I read something I shouldn't have.. Just because it was on my computer screen and I happened to look over and see it. Then I got really depressed.. Then I was left alone. And I cried a little.. then went in the bathroom and smoked a cigarette.. then cried some more.
I really just need to talk. Not to just anyone.. But communication is important in a relationship. And if I don't talk about this.. Then there will always be trust issues. And I don't want that. I don't want anything to happen because this is the best thing to happen to me in a long time..
Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is it that when I get like this, I hardly ever know what started it.. or why it's happening? Why can't I just be happy? Is that too much to ask ??
And now.. I want to curl up in a ball.. and cry myself to sleep because I'm alone when I wasn't supposed to be alone. ='(
[edit]
I've smoked 4 cigarettes..
And I walked around for like 45 minutes..
And it's like 19 degrees outside.
[/edit]