So Selfish.....

Mar 06, 2006 18:14

I realized today just how much of a selfish, self-centered person I am. Lower than low I am....why do I even deserve to be happy? All I deserve to be is alone. I am so ashamed...I really am...embarassed too. All I can do when I look at myself is put my head down in shame. My parents didn't bring me up to be this way...so why do jealousy, hate, and anger play such a huge part of my personality now?

In my heart I long to be loved and long for everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy. I feel like I am throwing myself all over the place to try and make time for everyone...when NO ONE is making time for me. I always do the calling or re-arranging my schedule to accomidate everyone else...and it makes me feel selfish even saying that.

My life has truly become routine...same thing everyday....I am not happy. Not happy with my job, my relationships....any aspect of my life....like a dead end. Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I talk to or trust....I hate when you get to the point that no one knows how you feel.

I feel that everything in my life is wrong or I am making big mistakes that could really mess me up for life. Things that as of right now cannot be avoided. Situations that are easier if you just stay in them because they are comfortable and there is no way out.

I never have time alone to cry anymore, to think by myself...always someone around. No one tries to understand me and in a lot of ways I am glad they don't because half the time I don't want to talk about it but it is forced out of me.

I don't feel like myself, I feel like something horrible is taking me over and little by little I am losing my mind and my heart and my soul. Something pulling me under to where I cannot breathe. There is no meaning to my life anymore.

I do love you all~

*Tiffany*
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