(no subject)
It seems pretty pathetic that my life has felt so busy that I've had an entire month to think about what I want to talk about at my counseling session tomorrow and have not been able to get to it until now. Obviously I will want to relate what I found out at my meeting with "F", but I know that probably wont' take up but a fraction of my time and honestly I don't see any realistic options in that situation anyway. I mean in all likelihood, "F" is right in that trying to transition and present during senior year could drop a ton of pressure and stress onto an already highly stressful situation. Considering that w/o passing my classes, graduating, & becoming a nurse, paying for everything I need to transition would be next to impossible, I am leaning in the direction of not adding any complications to senior year and just try ot focus on graduating.
The consequence to this decision is that I have to spend more time being caught in the limbo between being a guy (in the eyes of women) that straight women don't want b/c of who I want to be and that lesbian women won't consider b/c of who I am now. This is probably the most frustrating part of all of this b/c naturally the only women I get attention from are those bound to reject me when they get to know the real me, and b/c those that are remotely likely to want who I want to be can't look past this shell I'm trapped in now. Even tho I try to be strong & rely on myself, I can't escape that I am lonely and want someone to give myself to: I'm tired of being trapped in this pit & I'm tired of having to be patient. I've been patient for almost 30 years. When is it my turn?
The consequence to this decision is that I have to spend more time being caught in the limbo between being a guy (in the eyes of women) that straight women don't want b/c of who I want to be and that lesbian women won't consider b/c of who I am now. This is probably the most frustrating part of all of this b/c naturally the only women I get attention from are those bound to reject me when they get to know the real me, and b/c those that are remotely likely to want who I want to be can't look past this shell I'm trapped in now. Even tho I try to be strong & rely on myself, I can't escape that I am lonely and want someone to give myself to: I'm tired of being trapped in this pit & I'm tired of having to be patient. I've been patient for almost 30 years. When is it my turn?