cycling and desires
It seems that I've once again cycled back to choosing to stop conforming in the hope of finding a girl I want to be with. I find myself once again feeling fairly convinced that I will not find anyone here who will want to be with me let alone will want to be with me AND allow me to be myself. Consequently (as usually happens) I've again begun allowing myself to explore the person I would like to be and dress accordingly (as much as possible.) I do feel ashamed at times that I allow my desire to know and possibly be with certain women I know (either romantically or physically) to quash my desire to be and live as the person I would choose to be. Put another way, I regret that I allow my desire to be who I want to be and my desire to love and be loved by a woman to become mutually exclusive prospects that I cannot seem to hope for, instead simultaneously oscillating back & forth between one or the other with neither making me totally happy with the presence of the other. Unfortunately, given the realities of our society and especially the realities of my life at this time, I cannot picture an outcome that would allow both desires to happen concurrently.
What do I want?
What I want is to be able to present the image I want the world to see w/o being persecuted for doing so.
I want to be able to attend school as the person I want to be and interact with my classmates and instructors as they would interact with anyone else of that appearance and gender.
I want to be able to shop in the sections I want to shop in without so much as raising an eyebrow or receiving a sideways glance.
I want to be able to buy and wear some of the cute things I see some of those around me wearing and present an image similar to that which they present and be accepted as such.
I want to be accepted into their groups as the person I want to be and see them interact with me as such.
I want to live w/o feeling conflicted.
I want to not have to have 2 wardrobes.
I want to not have to decide what underwear to choose based on my mood each morning (girl vs. boy.)
I want my girl underwear to fit like girl underwear is supposed to.
I want to be able to sit and cross my legs w/o having to move anything out of the way.
I want to be reasonably happy with the person I see staring back at me in the mirror each morning.
But most of all, I want to be able to come home from work someday to an amazingly beautiful, talented, intelligent, lesbian woman and have her love me as the amazingly beautiful, talented, intelligent lesbian woman she wants to be with and love. Is all this too much to ask from life?
What do I want?
What I want is to be able to present the image I want the world to see w/o being persecuted for doing so.
I want to be able to attend school as the person I want to be and interact with my classmates and instructors as they would interact with anyone else of that appearance and gender.
I want to be able to shop in the sections I want to shop in without so much as raising an eyebrow or receiving a sideways glance.
I want to be able to buy and wear some of the cute things I see some of those around me wearing and present an image similar to that which they present and be accepted as such.
I want to be accepted into their groups as the person I want to be and see them interact with me as such.
I want to live w/o feeling conflicted.
I want to not have to have 2 wardrobes.
I want to not have to decide what underwear to choose based on my mood each morning (girl vs. boy.)
I want my girl underwear to fit like girl underwear is supposed to.
I want to be able to sit and cross my legs w/o having to move anything out of the way.
I want to be reasonably happy with the person I see staring back at me in the mirror each morning.
But most of all, I want to be able to come home from work someday to an amazingly beautiful, talented, intelligent, lesbian woman and have her love me as the amazingly beautiful, talented, intelligent lesbian woman she wants to be with and love. Is all this too much to ask from life?